Jason Biggs Is Talking Shit About Tara Reid Again

I don’t know what shocks me more: that someone could have a heart black enough to talk shit about National Treasure Tara Reid, or that in 2014 we’re still talking about the stale crust from American Pie.

4th place runner-up in an Adam Sandler pageant Jason Biggs was interviewed by Joan Rivers for her web series In Bed With Joan, and during a segment called “Live Or Die”, Joan gave Piper’s annoying husband from OITNB the choice between saving either his former American Pie co-star and current springtime dew drop Tara Reid or human dirty needle Lindsay Lohan. Obviously, anyone with a set of eyes knows you’d save effervescent earth angel Tara Reid over the Apricot Ashtray, but for some reason Jason Biggs has beef with Tara, so he chose Lindsay.

“She’s got nice boobs. She really does. Lindsay’s got nice boobs. Tara’s body, I don’t know what’s going on with it. I don’t think she ever knows what’s going on with it. Lindsay doesn’t know what’s going on with Tara’s body either. No one knows what’s going on with Tara’s body.”

Excuse you, you rude-ass pie fucker, but that’s Tara Reid’s exquisite Renaissance sculpture of a body you’re hissing mouth lies about! Clearly Jason needs his eyes checked, because it’s pretty obvious what’s going on with Tara’s body: it looks like a beautiful sun-bleached terracotta column crowned with a decorative bundle of freshly-harvested hay.

Sadly, this isn’t the first time he’s taken a swipe at Tara Reid. A year ago, Jason was on Watch What Happens Live and he joked that Tara Reid’s prison nickname would be “Hot Mess”. When Tara finally woke up from the bus stop bench in West Hollywood where she’d passed out the night before, she Tweeted at Jason that he’d hurt her feelings. I can’t imagine how hurt her feelings will be when she discovers that she lost to Lindsay Lohan in a “Which Tired Skank Would You Rather” contest. Thankfully, we have at least 3 days before she sobers up and remembers which pile of cigarette butts her laptop is buried under before she finds out.

And in case you need a reminder of her timeless glamour, here’s Tara Reid star floating gracefully like a feather caught in the summer breeze in Beverly Hills on Thursday night:

Pics: Splash

Syfy Somehow Managed To Sign The Sought-After A-List Talent Of Tara Reid And Ian Ziering For Sharknado 2

The agents of Quentin Tarantino, David O’ Russell, Steven Spielberg, Paul Thomas Anderson, Steve McQueen, Christopher Nolan and many other A-list directors are getting calls today from Tara Reid’s team of agents to let them know that sorry, but she’s booked. Those agents better start calling their second choice Jennifer Lawrence, because the melting discount Yankee Candle (scent: vodka barf and burnt Fix-A-Flat foam) has officially signed on for the sequel to the Twitter extravaganza Sharkando. Ian Ziering, who in that picture looks like a baby with diarrhea just butt scooted across his forehead, will also be back.

The Hollywood Reporter says that Sharknado: The Second One (that’s really the title) will start shooting next month in NYC and that mess will splatter across your TV screens sometime in July. The plot (for lack of a better word) goes like this:

In Sharknado 2, a freak weather system turns its deadly fury on New York City, unleashing a “sharknado” on the city’s population and its most iconic sites, with Fin and April the only ones able to save the city.

Well, I better say “bye, bitch” to my favorite iconic sites of NYC (see: the IHOP on 2nd Avenue, the downstairs bathroom at the Phoenix, any subway car with a Dr. Zizmor ad in it, Trash and Vaudeville, etc, etc…), because if these two messes are the only ones to save the city….

I wonder how those negotiations with Tara Reid went. Syfy probably offered her a bottle of Svedka and a half-empty box of Trojans and she said, “Keep the trojans, give me the vodka and you’ve got a deal!”

Tara Reid Is The Two Piece, All That’s Missing Is The Biscuit

I’m typing this from a modified fetal position under my kitchen table because looking at pictures of Tara Reid in the sun and sand when I’ve already careened through what was supposed to be a “light snow” this morning is edging me toward despair (shout out to my weatherman). I never though Tara of all people could be on a low-rent Aniston-style vacay and turn me into such a bitter bitch, but here we are.

Tara and her boyfriend Erez Elsen, who kind of looks like a grade school version Michael Bublé, were in Miami Beach yesterday where she ate pizza, drank beer and brined her ass jerky in the water. Tara isn’t looking too bad here if you grade on a curve using her own fuckery. She’s upright, neither one of her boobs is trying to make a run for it and nobody mistook her abs for a xylophone. Just try not to focus too much on the backside area unless you’re prepared to crave pancakes, chicken and waffles or Chinese food (and deliver some to my lazy ass under the table) and you’ll be good.

The only thing that would make these pictures better (besides a lower quality camera) is if Ian Ziering was chainsawing himself out of a shark in the background. Who knew that smarmy, mullety asshole Steve Sanders would actually be kind of hot someday and I may or may not still have Sharknado saved on my DVR for when I’m bored and on my third glass of Reisling.

(Photos: Splash)

Oh, Don’t Mind Tara Reid And Her Piece. He’s Just Pushing Out A Doody Bubble.

I can never ever keep up with who Tara Reid’s piece-of-the-moment, and that’s something somebody should bring up at my year-end employee review, because it’s my job to keep up with who is currently finding himself strangely hypnotized by her nibbled-on salami circle areolas as she rides him. One second she’s married to a piece, then she’s divorced from that piece, then she’s engaged to a new piece, then she’s barfing on the crotch (aka beej gone wrong) of a different piece, then she’s bearding for a new piece, then she’s married again, etc… etc.. I can’t keep up and even Tara can’t keep up. She has no idea who she’s with and if you asked her what her new dude’s name is, she’d slur out, “Hodafskjadsfiubkkluqoukajlj Adfladsjfkljb.eeu.” That’s what she calls all her dudes. It’s easier that way.

Here’s Terror Reid and her boyfriend Erez Eisen leaving a restaurant in L.A. last night. Tara and Erez have probably already gotten married and divorced in the time it took me to write this post, but they still look like a good match to me. I mean, he has a luxurious mane (perfect for dabbing the corners of your mouth with after drunk barfing) and he looks like he cares about her digestive system. He’s obviously pushing out gas for her. Bobby and Whitney call that “black love,” but I call it universal love.

Fun fact: Erez is one half of an Israeli psytrance/electronica duo called Infected Mushroom. INFECTED MUSHROOM! Too easy.

Pics: Splash

And Now For A Lesson On Whale Sharks From Professor Terror Reid

Since Shark Week isn’t compete without a visit from 2013’s comeback king and queen, Steve Sanders and Tara Reid of Sharknado, they were both on Discover Channel’s late-night live show Shark After Dark last night. The original Hollywood train wreck proved once again that Taradise was killed off way too soon, because this mess is best when she’s rambling out some jacked up shit that makes your brain cells want to commit suicide. Tara took her appearance on Shark After Dark extremely seriously and she did some important research so she wouldn’t sound stupid. (Side note: If Tara Reid Googled, “How does Tara Reid keep from sounding stupid,” she would’ve learned that the only answer is, “She keeps her mouth shut.”)

During her research adventures, Tara learned that the whale shark exists in the ocean. When Tara asked herself, “Whale sharks: How do they work?”, her answer was that when a whale and a shark fall in love, they swim off to the darkest part of the ocean and consummate their love by doing lines off of each other’s sex parts before doing it bareback-style. Nine months later, one of them gives birth to a whale shark! Makes total sense, right?

Well, when Tara kept doing more search, she learned the real truth and it nearly blew the vodka out of her ears. Warming Glow transcribed it all:

Tara Reid: Today I was like, “I don’t wanna, like, really sound stupid when I do this show today.” So I learned a little education on sharks. So I look up sharks on the Internet and I’m, like, “WHALE SHARKS… so that must be when a whale and a shark have sex.’ Then I think “Well, how does a whale and a shark have sex?” And then I looked it up…

Host: Was there a video of it?

Tara Reid: No, but there’s a thing called whale sharks, so I thought they must, you know … And then I realized that whales are mammals and sharks are animals, so they have nothing to do with each other…

Ian Ziering: You ever see a tiger shark?

Tara Reid: [undeterred] … so, basically, the dolphins have sex with each other, but the sharks don’t, so I thought, “Then how is it such a thing?” But the difference is the whale shark is the biggest shark in the ocean, but it’s also scary, and then you have the Great White and it’s all … there’s like 400 types of sharks. But the whale shark is kinda interesting because … [mumbles]

Host: I know EXACTLY what you’re talking about.

The look on Steve Sanders’ face as Tara Reid rambles out some fuckery about whale sharks is everything.

Who knew that current day Tara Reid is just like 5-year-old me. When I was younger, I really thought that cats were girls and dogs were boys and kittens were their daughters and puppies were their sons. The day I found out the truth, my mind blew the same way Tara Reid’s mind blew. And yes, that day happened last week.

via Gawker

QOTD: Vin Diesel Is Way Too Buff To Play Ferris Bueller

Let’s all feel sad now, because according to Vin Diesel, there will never be a reboot of Ferris Bueller’s Day Off called Bueller: 2 Fast 2 Ferris starring him, because he has way too many muscles on his body to play a role like that. The veiny penis with biceps tells Men’s Fitness (via Vulture) that he only gets certain roles and it has nothing to do with him having the acting skills of an empty bottle of AXE body spray. It has to do with the fact that he’s a bag of skin stuffed with muscles.

“Being a physical presence will rule you out of a lot of roles. I couldn’t have done Ferris Bueller’s Day Off with that physical presence. But I like it as part of me; it’s part of what I represent, and I think if Humphrey Bogart were around today he’d be a lot bigger. Hollywood is more concerned about its male actors being in shape than its female actors.”

My day has been made by the image of Humphrey Bogart’s head on Vin Diesel’s body. Vin is not giving himself enough credit, though. The Pacifier was a comedic masterpiece and Matthew Broderick could never have done it with his non-physical presence.

But with that being said, I know Jonah Hill and Seth Rogen get more shit from Hollywood about their bodies than Rebel Wilson and Melissa McCarthy do (/sarcasm), but Vin Diesel is still wrong. Hollywood is concerned about everyone being in shape. It’s Hollywood. It’s the land of unrealistic everything. They want their dudes buff, their chicks skinny and they want their dogs to talk. How do you think my chihuahua feels when he watches a movie where the dog talks English and saves the world and shit? My dog can barely lick his own ass without falling over, so seeing a talking dog really screws with his self-esteem. But I just tell him, “It’s make believe!”

And here’s the dude we’ll never see as Ferris Bueller at the Hollywood premiere of another one of those driving movies, which also brought out Ludacris, Terror Reid and Michelle Rodriguez.