“Cooooooooooooooke?”

Don’t you just hate it when you mistake a salt shaker for a coke shaker (see: picture of LiLo above)?

As expected, Fox News kept up their reputation as the hardest working fuckery makers in the game by bringing a triple dose of fame whore to last night’s White House Correspondents’ Dinner at the Hilton in DC. Lindsay Lohan came as a guest of Fox’s Greta van Susteren, and Kim Kuntrashian and Pimp Mama Kris came as guests of Fox’s affiliate in the 9th circle of Hell. LiLo actually bathed with soap for the occasion and covered her freckled carcass with the discount Windsor Fashions dress you wore to your prom in 1989. Even though that cheap ass dress looks like it was made with doggy poop bags, it was perfect for the occasion. It showcased her saggy wrinkly side tit and its skirt completely covered up the bags that were strapped to her thighs to hold all the silverware, jooree and centerpieces she stole from the event. “What did I do with my diamond bracelet?” is definitely the most used sentence in DC this morning.

As for Kim and PMK, they dressed up as Whore Kristmas. Kim wore a velvet dress that’s the exact shade of the fumes that billow out of her cooze hole after she bumps wet parts with Kanye.  Pimp Mama Kris wore her creator’s favorite color and it looked like a dynamite stick stuffed with foundation blew up in her face right before she walked through a wind tunnel. Not only is bitch’s face pulled, but so is her hair. Pimp Mama Kris’ hair was standing straight up like it was reaching for God to help it.

I couldn’t find any pictures of Kim and LiLo together, but I’m assuming there will be some later after pictures from the Secret Service’s after-party held at the Super 8 in Virginia come out. In the meantime, here’s some pictures from last night. In order: LiLo, Rick Santorum (getting a quick buzz from breathing in the coke dust cloud that surrounds LiLo), Kim with PMK, Mary J. Blige with her husband Kendu Isaacs, DanRad with Ronan Farrow, Charlize Theron, Kate Hudson, Claire Danes, Sookeh with Beehl, Goldie Hawn, Rosario Dawson with a pair of plastic baby heads, Dakota Fanning, Ginnifer Goodwin (after a bedskirt bukkake session), Eva Longoria, Zooey Deschanel, Swizz Beak with Alicia Keys, Martha Stewart, Viola Davis with her husband Julius Tennon and Oprah’s handmaiden.

Sooooookehhhh Iz With Child

Soooooookeeeeehhhh’s nymph womb is now filled with a fairy vampire human baby (a “Walter Mercado” for short) she made with Beeeeeehl. Reps for 29-year-old Anna Paquin and 42-year-old Stephen Moyer tell Entertainment Weekly that she’s knocked up with her first child and his third. Sookeh will pop out her fairy vampire baby on the floor of Merlotte’s sometime this fall.

Yes, Sookeh and Beehl’s babeh will have eyes like a squinting possum (from him) and a tooth gap that can fit a domino, but it will get to call ASkars “uncle” and I’m sure they’ll name it Lafayette Teacup Human Paquin-Moyer. I’m already jealous of it and will find a to glamour it to think it’s me so we can trade places (mostly so I can call ASkars “uncle“).

Unfortunately, those True Blood hos are almost finished filming the next season so they’re not going to pull a Betty Draper by giving us a Fat Sookeh. DAMN.

Yes, Blossom Is Still Breastfeeding Her 3-Year-Old

Mayim Bialik (correction: that’s Dr. Blossom to us) has said a million times before that she and her husband aren’t conventional, in society’s terms, when it comes to raising their two sons, 6-year-old Miles and 3.5-year-old Fred. And now Dr. Blossom has put all her holistic parenting tips in a new book called The Sling: A Real-Life Guide To Raising Confident, Loving Children The Attachment Parenting Way. In The Sling, Dr. Blossom writes about how she doesn’t use diapers during potty training time, doesn’t force her boys to sleep by themselves and isn’t putting a date on when she’s going to retire Fred’s mouth from her nipple. Basically, Dr. Blossom is QUIRKY!

While promoting the book, Dr. Blossom talked to Newsok.com (via Daily Mail) about the philosophies of the attachment parenting method and how she knows it’s not for all families, but it works for hers. Here’s a few pieces from Dr. Blossom’s interview that I’ve pre-chewed for you so it goes down easier. CAUTION: EXTREME HIPPINESS AHEAD:

On how they all sleep together as a family and how baby soap is devil smegma:

The progressive parents live in a very small Los Angeles home — their one-bedroom has two mattresses on the floor on which the family co-sleeps.

The children don’t have a playroom filled with the latest toys — Bialik and Roosevelt have made a conscious decision to keep their material lives simple and minimal. “Our society’s obsession with consumerism, especially in the realm of baby things, baby soaps and baby products. … That’s something that my husband and I, partly for frugality and partly for environmental reasons, have really rejected.”

On how letting babies piss in their quilted chonies can confuse them later when we tell them to sink the toilet Cheerios with their piss streams:

In “Beyond the Sling,” Bialik also writes about elimination communication as a form of early potty training that encourages parents to recognize their child’s natural signals instead of waiting until the child is older, then introducing the toilet.

“You’re basically training your child to use their pants as a bathroom and then two years later we have to turn around and do all sorts of complicated manipulations to get them to unlearn that,” she said.

On how she’s letting Fred decide when he’s had enough of her leche knob:

They were breast-fed until ready to quit — Bialik still nurses Fred sporadically, as he slowly weans himself.

What I’ve learned from this is that raising babies is hard, it requires a lot of thinking and it’s really, really fucking weird.

Dr. Blossom wrote a piece on her blog last September about how she tried to wean Fred off of her titty, but doing so made her realize that she’ll just let him suckle on her nipple until he’s done done. The last time I wrote about breastfeeding, La Leche League slapped me with a leaky nipple and squirted a whole lot of TRUTH into my eyes. They were right. I know nothing about breastfeeding. The closest I’ve come to breastfeeding is the time some trick was sucking on my nipple knob and made a sour puckery look like he just sucked up something gross. It was probably just a little old shower gel that was stuck up in there. I don’t know. I also don’t know if nursing a child with teeth makes your nipples look like chewed up pieces of pizza sausage (I’m sure there’s nipple rejuvenation surgery for that). But I do know that Dr. Blossom seems to care about not raising a couple of douchebags and I can appreciate that.

Although, I will side-eye that bitch if in 20 years she uploads a video of her squirting chichi leche into Fred’s mouth after he takes a bite of his wedding cake.