Category: Sit Down And Stop Talking
Jay Z Wants You To Know That Tidal Is Great And It’s Totally Not A Huge Disaster
Even his best buddy Kanye West is like “Sure, Jan Z.” To fight off the rumors that his new music-streaming service Tidal is a giant steaming pile of FAIL, Jay Z went on Twitter to explain in a long-ass rant that everything is fine and Tidal is great and don’t pay any attention to whatever you’ve heard, because it’s all lies. Jay Z created the hashtag #TidalFacts, but he really should have called it #TidalDothProtestTooMuch, because 15 tweets about how your company isn’t a huge mess is a lot of tweets.
Since your index finger will no doubt cramp up after scrolling thought that many tweets, and a finger injury could have a negative effect on your sex life/canned frosting-eating life, I’ve compiled them all into one single thought.
Lindsay Lohan Says That Arabic-To-English Translation Mistake Was Just A Joke
Ha! I bet even Lindsay Lohan’s reflection in the mirror is giving her “Sure, Jan” face right now. So, remember a few days ago when the Apricot Ashtray threw up a picture on Instagram of the words “You’re a donkey” in Arabic with the words “You’re beautiful“ incorrectly written underneath in English? Well, Lindsay wants you to know it was all just a joke and it definitely didn’t have anything to do with any of her Middle Eastern ‘business friends’ trolling her in real life. Lindsay tried to clear her name by Instagramming a picture of a Valentino purse she will no doubt later search for on Bag Borrow or Steal (“The third option is my favorite“) with the following caption:
“FYI- The funny thing is-the Arabic photo I posted was an inside joke w/friend to test my Arabic w/out Google translation. So, was already known what it was.”
Give me a second, I need to translate that from Confusing to English. But if it was just a joke, then why did she yank it down so fast after everybody called her out? Or why didn’t she write that in the first place? I have no idea. Understanding Lindsay Lohan’s brain isn’t something I have the mental strength to tackle today.
I know Lindsay is so determined to speak a bunch of different languages, but she really needs to pick one and get good at it before moving on. She can barely handle English! Not to mention her piss-poor American Sign Language skills; she clearly hasn’t learned anything beside the letter V. Forget new purses, bitch needs Rosetta Stone.
Here’s more of the aspiring English rose bouquet of dollar store silk flowers strolling around London on Thursday:
Pics: Wenn.com
Ben Affleck Isn’t Done Talking About That Slave-Owning Ancestor He Didn’t Want To Talk About
Like a kid caught trying to slow dance with the family dog (“It’s not what it looks like, I swear!“), Ben Affleck is still awkwardly apologizing about this whole trying to hide his slave-owning ancestor thing. Shortly after the Sony email leaks revealed that he had asked PBS to “take care of” – so to speak – the revelation that one of his relatives was a slave owner from the show Finding Your Roots, Ben threw up a long-ass explanation on Facebook in an attempt to deal with the messy Streisand effect that it had become. And now he’s…doing it again. Ben recently took to Twitter to give a little 140-character Finding Your Roots on the guy, aka the exact opposite of what he wanted in the first place:
He also has been really talkative on Facebook, because nothing says “I don’t like drama…but here’s the dramatic shit that’s been going on in my life” like Facebook.
Adrienne Bailon Defends Talking Shit About Rob Kardashian And Takes A Nasty Swipe At Kim Kardashian While Doing So
Earlier this week, Latina magazine released an interview they did with Rob Kardashian’s ex-girlfriend Adrienne Bailon (seen here looking like a factory second from Pimp Mama Kris’s Diskount Kim Warehouse) in which she referred to being associated with the Kardashians as “hurtful” to her career. Because she has nothing better to do, Kim Kardashian responded to Adrienne’s remarks by coming for her on Twitter. Instead of tweeting back “Calm down hooker, go take care of your kid” and calling it a day, Adrienne wrote a long-ass message and posted it to Instagram in an attempt to clarify her comments about Rob, but also to hiss hot fire back in Kim’s flammable face:
“Fame and a Career are two different things. I’ve always had a career. I have been working hard since I was 15 years old. Being someone’s “girlfriend” was never what I wanted to be famous for.
What makes you “famous” isn’t always what you want to be “labeled” as, or known for. If anyone should understand that…It should be you.
I also stated in the article that none of this would have stopped me from being in love and being in that relationship. I just would have gone about it differently. You can love someone just as much in private. We all learn from our first loves.”
Ooooh, that second line! Insert latriceroyaleshade.gif here. At first I didn’t think much of Adrienne, having fucked The Sock One and all, but now I want to send her a muffin basket filled with all blueberry crumbles (no raisin brans for that subtle shade-throwing bitch!). The library is open Kim, and your narcoleptic porn star ass just got READ. Ironically, that’s probably the first time Kim has ever been in a library.
And as much as I love Adrienne, and I really do, bitch has GOT TO STOP talking about the Kardashians! If I were in her position, I would go to my grave denying that I ever dated one of Kris Jenner’s krotch goblins.
Speaking of, here’s the Silly Putty-faced pimp herself along with her two best hookers leaving for Ibiza yesterday. Kris must have figured that if LiLo was there, it must be crawling with wealthy johns, so she packed up her highest-earning bitches. Click clack!
…And Here Come The Not-Right Tweets About Philip Seymour Hoffman’s Death
After the news broke that Philip Seymour Hoffman had died of a heroin overdose, I said a little prayer at my Sandy Lyle shrine and took a nap in my Boogie Nights sleeping bag, because I knew I’d need a lot of strength to get through the downpour of celebrity tweets that were about to follow. Usually after a celebrity death, everyone and their dog has something to say, and the worst, most insincere examples of online grieving come from the d-list roaches, so I needed to psych myself up before I read something like:
@LindsayLohan: OMG my best friend Philip Stephen Huffman died and I, like, have SO many tears right now #PSH #sobbing #funeralinvite?
However I guess Kris Jenner was busy making Sunday supper for Beelzebub, because the worst offenders came from an unlikely place. First up was Dean from Gilmore Girls (aka Jared Padalecki) who tweeted this touching tribute to the late, great actor:
Thanks Dean. Not the worst tweet about PSH’s death (we’ll get to that in a second) but still pretty insensitive. Jared clearly agreed, because shortly after he applied for a membership to the Delete That Tweet club and tried to fix what he broke through more tweets (never a good idea):
I didnt mean PSH is stupid or that addiction isnt a reality. I simply meant I have a different definition of "tragedy".
— Jared Padalecki (@jarpad) February 2, 2014
When I think "tragedy", I think of St Judes, of genocide, of articles I read in the paper. But, yes, either way, a death, is sad.
— Jared Padalecki (@jarpad) February 2, 2014
At least he made an effort to clear things up – even though he still sounds like an asshole. And if Jared Padalecki is the asshole, then LeVar Burton is the angry, sore, Preparation H-resistant hemorrhoid. Yes, that LeVar Burton; if you don’t want to have all your childhood PBS memories crushed to a million pieces, you better stop reading and go back to watching post-game Puppy Bowl interviews, because the following tweets (yes, there’s more than one) are about to shatter ya dayum soul:
Paulina Gretzky Is Smokey The Bear’s Enemy Number One
While famine, disease and math with letters in it continue to plague the Earth, TMZ has some good news in the form of stupidity being proven flammable. Paulina Gretzky, hockey legend Wayne Gretzky’s daughter, had her sweater catch fire at The Tipsy Goat (totally filing that away in my possible eHarmony screen names should I ever find myself single again) in Thousand Oaks, CA after sitting too close to a fire pit.
Maybe the vapid and boregeous (boring + gorgeous) didn’t get the memo that open blazes are hot and shit catches on fucking fire if you get your boozy ass self in it’s vicinity. Paulina had previously been booted from the same bar before after dancing on said fire pit. Third time’s a charm, Darwin? I’ll cross everything, even my whore legs! If her Instagram account is any indication, the number of sparklers she seems to be around regularly may make all my dreams come true.
Aside from her penchant to being drawn to flame like an idiot moth, Paulina is no Rhodes Scholar. In an interview with Maxim (via People), she basically pissed all over Schoolhouse Rock’s “knowledge is power” slogan by saying getting her read on just doesn’t do it for her.
“Some people gave me such a hard time for posting all these swimsuit pics on Twitter,” she admits. “I’m sorry, I’m not posting pictures when I’m reading a book. I feel like social media is supposed to be for fun, to share what you’re doing when you’re enjoying life.”
Paulina may have attended the Paris Hilton School of Too Many Words, Not Enough Pictures if she finds no enjoyment in picking up a good book (sit down, E.L. James, nobody’s taking to you). Reading may not be everybody’s forte, but the world sure as shit doesn’t need more hos in bikinis. What we really need to see on the next Instagram update is a mashup between Paulina’s two biggest enemies- fire and books- in the form of a Fahrenheit 451 filter, especially if it automatically applied itself after the third tired ass selfie by making a self-promoting attention whore burst into flame.
(Photo: Instagram)