Don’t Speak To Kanye West!

The hos of the Kartrashians just keep freaking out at the paparazzi. Pimp Mama Kris’ victim Bruce Jenner flipped off the paps, Lamar Odom Hulk’d out on a couple of paps and last night Kanye West Kardashian tried to shut the mouth of TMZ’s cameraman at LAX. While sashaying into LAX, one of TMZ’s cameraman started asking Kanye questions and he said the words most of us scream at him when he opens up his mouth, “ DON’T TALK EVER AGAIN!!”

When somebody tells me to stop speaking, I usually keep speaking and that’s exactly what the dude from TMZ did. Kanye didn’t like that words kept falling out of the pap’s mouth and he said to the dude, “Don’t talk … don’t talk to me … I don’t want to hear paparazzi talk to me or anybody I know … and tell everybody never talk to anyone that anyone knows … don’t talk to themselves .. DON’T TALK EVER AGAIN.”

“I don’t want to hear paparazzi talk to me or anybody I know…” Somebody slap his mouth with Pimp Mama Kris’ hand, because he does not speak for all fame whores.

Kanye, Imma let you finish and blah blah blah blah blah, but Helen Sinclair had the best “Don’t speak!” monologue of all time!

Helen Sinclair always does it better.

The Time A Chick Pulled A Knife On Armie Hammer During Sex

Armie Hammer’s publicist and whoever is in charge of marketing that Lone Ranger disaster should really rub their taint something extra for a job well done, because I haven’t read this much about his vanilla ass since EVER. Here I am thinking that Armie Hammer has the personality of a headless Ken Doll and his publicist is trying to prove me wrong. Armie already told Playboy that when he was single, he liked to get a little rough while boning, but he doesn’t do that anymore now that he’s married, because he respects his feminist wife too much. I look like Andy Cohen today, because my eyeballs are still stuck to the side from all the rolling they did while reading that crap that came out of Armie’s mouth.

Well, Armie is back and is still trying to shed several layers on his “bland as a piece of dehydrated Iceberg lettuce” image. Armie tells Elle (via UsWeekly) that for some reason, people like to pull knives on him. Armie said that when he was in Australia one time, a homeless dude mistook him for someone else and tried to shank up his ass. Armie punched the homeless guy out and stole the knife. Then during Armie’s slut days in L.A., some chick he was boning pulled a knife on him and no, the chick wasn’t Catherine Tramell.

“One chick tried to stab me when we were having sex. I should so not be telling this story. She was like, ‘True love leaves scars. You don’t have any.’ And then she tried to stab me with a butcher knife. Of course I promptly broke up with her. . .seven months later.”

I didn’t know Amanda Bynes and Armie Hammer dated? I wonder if Armie’s wife pulls a knife on him when she tells him to yank her hair during sex and he refuses to, because he respects her too much as a feminist and wife. Speaking of his wife…

Armie comes from old money and his family has gold coins pouring out of all of their orifices. Right after he married his wife Elizabeth, he refused to take money from his family and so they lived on what they made. Armie said that they liked being broke:

“”For a while in our marriage, it was pretty tight and we liked that. We like living sort of hand-to-mouth. It makes you appreciate the time when you don’t have to live like that. We didn’t want to go to my parents and tuck our tails between our legs and be like, ‘Can you help us?’ We wanted to be our own adults. Also, there was once another Hammer, by the name of MC, who spent all of his money really quickly, and I would like to avoid that.”

So I guess Armie went from living hand-to-mouth to living with his foot-in-mouth. I’ve heard people say crap like that before. A rich former boss of mine said to me once something like, “Sometimes I wish I was broke, because it will teach me to appreciate the simpler things in life.” Bitch, shut it. Learn to appreciate your top lip touching your bottom lip. It’s easy for Armie Hammer to say, because living hand-to-mouth for him probably meant he had to buy Grey Poupon instead of eating mustard freshly made by his chefs from a mustard seed plant that grows in the greenhouse. It’s also easy for him to say, because his ass knew he wouldn’t have to live hand-to-mouth forever.

You know what living hand-to-mouth teaches you? That living hand-to-mouth sucks. But you know, I can see this becoming a major trend among the rich. I can see the rich living like the poors for a week to find themselves. Coming Soon: The Hand-To-Mouth Experience by GOOP Travel!

Joe Francis Doesn’t Want You To See His Sex Tape

Oh, irony, you really know how to make me happy.

The douche with the most punchable face in America recently said in a douchetastic interview with The Hollywood Reporter that it’s been reported that his dick is as thick as his head and as inflated as his ego and we might find out if it’s true (it isn’t) or not (it is not). TMZ says that Joe Francis is getting a very special going-away-to-prison gift. A sex tape starring the former head pimp of Girls Gone Wild and his girlfriend Abbey Wilson is up for sale and he’s trying really hard to keep it from touching your eyeballs.

Abbey, being the brilliant mind that she is, kept a copy of her fuck footage with Joe on her iPad and her iPad was “stolen” from her bag at LAX. The footage has several scenes of Joe and Abbey doing it. Joe’s attorney is disgusted by this, because Joe is the only one who’s allowed to make money off of the flashing of other people’s private parts. Joe’s attorney also said this:

“It is not only unfortunate, but it is a crime. As such, this office will take all necessary steps to determine who in fact has done this and who is attempting to distribute the video. When we catch you, we will see that you are prosecuted to the fullest extent of both the criminal and civil laws.”

Maybe who ever’s trying to sell the tape can sell a prison cell with Joe! That won’t be awkward at all.

Assuming that Joe’s not the one leaking his own tape, my throat filled with laughs just thinking of him freak out about everyone seeing his shaved crotch. (You know he shaves his pubes to make his peen look bigger.) But then I stopped laughing and started heaving, because I’m disgusted with myself for actually wanting to see a Joe Francis sex tape. I can’t help it, but for some strange reason I really want to see Abbey Wilson chin-fuck Joe right in the butt. My brain is a dumpster.

Here’s Joe and Abbey at Scott Isadick’s 30th birthday in Las Vegas on May 26th.

I See Kanye West Is Still Mad About Walking Into That Sign Last Week

It was kind of fitting that Kanye Kardashian (née West) performed in a pyramid at Adult Swim’s Upfront event at Roseland in NYC last night, because he was the Queen of Denial when he said that he’s a musical artist and he’s not a “celebrity” or a paparazzi star. The delusion is thick.

Kanye was the surprise musical guest at Adult Swim’s Upfront even and if anybody thought they were going to get 90 minutes of non-stop music, they must not know Kanye. Because no Kanye West show is complete without a whiny, hissy fit rant about how hard it is being Kanye West. There’s not a pacifier big enough to shut his gaping whine hole. Kanye started off his cry fest by saying that he’s not a celebrity, he’s a terrible celebrity, and all he does is make real music and he’s not here to be on the cover of tabloids.

Bumping his dome on that sign last week was totally a metaphor for Kanye’s life. Kanye’s head is so far up his own ass that he’s blind to the fact that he’s the best kind of tabloid celebrity because of all of his anus-popping meltdowns and ALL-CAPS rants. On top of all of that, he put a fetus into the fame whore of all fame whores whose oxygen is the flash from a paparazzo’s camera. Bitch is trying to act like he’s the J.D. Salinger of hip hop. He’s about as reclusive as Kim Kartrashian.

Miss Info transcribed Kanye’s latest cry baby rant if you really don’t want to fill your ears with the sound of his whining:

“I ain’t no muthafuckin celebrity… There’s one thing about me, I’m a terrible, terrible terrible celebrity. I don’t know if you really know there’s one thing about me but I’m the worst kind of, the worst kind of celebrity. All I do is make real music. All I do is sit in the studio and make real shit. And that’s it. And that’s muthafuckin it. That’s muthafuckin it!

So I don’t want no people runnin’ up on me with cameras, trying to like sell pictures and shit to magazines, asking me dumb ass questions, throwin’ me off my focus and shit. Harrasin’ you all muthafuckin day. I ain’t no muthafuckain celebrity.

It’s so funny. Somebody asked me, ‘when you do SNL, are you going to do a skit about the paparazzi and shit. And like humanize yourself? I ain’t hear to apologize to no muthafuckas man. It ain’t about me humanizing myself. At one point did I become un-human where I had to turn myself back. Or maybe I was demonized, or maybe I was treated inhumane and not human in that type of situation. I ain’t no muthafuckin celebrity. I ain’t runnin’ for office. I ain’t kissin’ nobody’s muthafuckin babies. I drop your baby and you muthafuckain sue me and shit. I’m trying to make some music that inspires people to be the best that they can be. And I don’t want nobody else to ask anything of me! Don’t ask nothing else of me.

Muthafuckas chasin you down, about to make you crash and shit. And all they want is for a nigga to laugh and shit. Hell nah, I ain’t doin no muthafuckin SNL skits. This is my Goddamn life. This ain’t no muthafuckin joke.

Whenever anybody would scream out “¡Santo Dios!” in front of my abuelita, she’d slap them with her eyes before grabbing her rosary to say a prayer for their sinful souls. Well, Pimp Mama Kris is probably clutching Lucifer’s loin cloth and repeating an Illuminati chant to herself, because almost everything that Kanye said last night is against her religion.

Goopy Paltrow Thinks She Looks Like RuPaul Here

In her 5,902,487th interview of the month, Goopy Paltrow tells USA Today that she knows the stick shoved up her ass is a “lightning rod” and people constantly “project a lot of stuff” onto her. She doesn’t ready any of that stuff, because it’s none of her business. Goopy gets that people think she’s too privileged, but she’s just a woman with real problems. Goopy’s not perfect and she has suffered in her life. Goopy does have a point. I mean, one time her laundress used Palmolive to wash her 22k white gold thread sheets. Goopy didn’t know about it until she had already used those sheets. She spent hours scrubbing the average out of her pristine skin with a sponge made from the fur of a wild baby boar. That is SUFFERING!

When Goopy started complaining about how tired she is, USA Today’s writer stroked the softest parts of her ego a bit by asking her how is it possible for her to look so fresh the morning after the Met Gala? Goopy spat this out:

“Are you crazy? I’m like RuPaul! I have so much makeup on. Foundation! Last night, I was literally a transvestite.”

Either English professor Rachel Zoe taught Gwyneth Paltrow what the definition of “literally” is or she’s trying to tell us that she’s got a flaccid, pasty, pencil dick hanging between her legs. Whatever the case may be, she’s offending “transvestites” everywhere, because no transvestite I’ve seen would ever go outside looking that bland, basic and boring.

And I have only one response to her “I’m like RuPaul” comment:

Play it again, because that comment deserves a double slap.

Justin Bieber Hopes Anne Frank Would’ve Been A Belieber

In “fuckery you just can’t make up” news, Justin Bieber and some of his friends visited the Anne Frank House in Amsterdam last night and not only did the shit-brained fetus keep his sunglasses on in the museum (picture above), but he also vomited up pieces of his ego all over the museum’s guestbook. After learning that Anne Frank hid in the attic for two years and was eventually captured by the Nazis and died in a concentration camp, the only question the Biebs asked was, “I wonder if she would’ve been a Belieber?” Out of everything, that’s what he got out of the Anne Frank Museum. I just…. I don’t…. I mean… I CAN’T!

The Anne Frank Museum Facebook page posted a transcription of what Justin Bieber wrote and it’s the reason why humanity cries today:

Yesterday night Justin Bieber visited the Anne Frank House, together with his friends and guards. Fans were waiting outside to see a glimpse of him. He stayed more than an hour in the museum. In our guestbook he wrote: “Truly inspiring to be able to come here. Anne was a great girl. Hopefully she would have been a belieber.” Tonight Bieber will give a concert in Arnhem in the Netherlands.

Please, everybody knows that Anne Frank would’ve been a One Direction fan.

Another sad part of this is that the Beliebers probably don’t even know who Anne Frank is and they’re going to start sending her death threats on Twitter, because he gave her a shout out instead of them.

And Justin Bieber accomplished the impossible by managing to out-Bieber himself.

via CNN