From The “I Can’t” Files: Jeremy Irons’ Thoughts On Gay Marriage

It hurts putting the “Dumb Bitch of the Day” tag with the “Jeremy Irons” tag, but the crap that fell out of his mouth during his interview with HuffPost Live….

HuffPost Live’s Josh Zepps brought up the topic of same-sex marriage and Jeremy Irons could’ve easily just said that he doesn’t care about it or he doesn’t like it or whatever. But instead, he opened up his talk hole and let out a rambling stream of shit. Jeremy is afraid that same-sex marriage will lead to fathers marrying their sons for tax reasons.

Here’s how Jeremy and Josh’s conversation went (SPOILER ALERT: It ran off the rails and crashed). It almost makes more sense if you picture Scar saying this instead of Jeremy Irons:

Jeremy: Well, I don’t know… It’s a very interesting one, that, and I don’t really have a strong feeling, but I see that… What we had in England, which was not marriage, but it was a union you could make if you were gay and wanted to make a civil partnership.

Josh: Yes, civil union sort of has the same rights as marriage, but not the name.

Jeremy: That’s right. Same rights, not the name. It seems to me that now they’re fighting for the name and I worry that it means somehow we debase or we change what marriage is. I just worry about that. I mean, tax-wise is an interesting one, because could a father not marry his son?

Josh: Um, well there are laws against incest.

Jeremy: It’s not incest between men. Incest is there to protect us against inbreeding, but men don’t breed, so incest wouldn’t cover that. Now if that was so, then if I wanted to pass on my estate without death duties, I could marry my son and pass on my estate to him.

Josh: No, that sounds like a total red herring. I’m sure that incest law would still cover same-sex marriages.

Jeremy: Really, why?

Josh: Because I don’t think that incest law is only justified on the basis of the consequences of procreation. I think there’s also a moral approbation that’s associated with incest.

Jeremy: But I think it comes from breeding. I think the lawyers are going to have a field day with same-sex marriage. I don’t have a strong feeling either way. I just wish everyone that’s living with one other person the best luck in the world, because it’s fantastic.

Josh: Spoken like a happily married man.

Jeremy: Yeah, and also a man who has a dog that he loves.

THE FUCK?! Jeremy Irons said a few years ago that children under 16 are “immensely attractive” and the “hysteria” over pedophilia is ruining relationships between parents and their kids. Then he says this shit? Jeremy’s son Max Irons is going to side-eye him something extra the next time they hug.

And now I can’t fap to Jeremy Irons the next time Damage comes on cable. Jeremy Irons is ruining Jeremy Irons for me!

Here’s the video if you need to hear those words coming out of Jeremy’s mouth.

Dieting Makes Goopy Less Bitchy

Goopy Paltrow really spilled all her thoughts out while lying on the therapist couch at Self Magazine. Goop admitted to starving her family of carbs, said she almost died while pregnant with the child she miscarried and she also said that her insane diet changed her marriage to Chris Martin. Goop said that her family doesn’t eat any gluten, bread, pasta, cheese, sugar and many other delicious things, but now she says that she only eats like that for a month or two a year. Blue Ivy Carter’s auntie went on the no food diet a couple of years ago when she felt like she was spinning out of control and turning into a real grouch to the cunth degree (no comment).

A couple of years ago, I got really run down. I had to sing at awards shows, which was fun but stressful. I’d have a Guinness and a beta-blocker every time. I also was constantly getting on airplanes, trying to knock myself out with sleeping pills and wine, waking up, trying to sweat it out with exercise and a steam, and then working really hard all day. Eventually, I had a panic attack. My body was like, “What is happening?”

Guinness, sleeping pills and wine? That sounds like the diet of champions! My body asks “What is happening?” when I don’t fill it with beer and wine. But Goopy went to the doctor and he told her to stop eating:

My doctor, Alejandro Junger, recommended that I cut out basically everything: dairy, sugar, gluten, anything processed. I was like, “What the fuck am I going to eat now?” That’s why I made the book: to stop eating brown rice out of the fridge because I didn’t know what else to eat—it was demoralizing.

So Goop’s rock bottom moment is when she ate brown rice out of the fridge? This bitch is a parody now. I don’t even keep brown rice in the fridge, but if I did and ate it one day, that would be a super healthy accomplishment for me. I’d say to myself, “You ate brown rice. Good for you! Now you deserve to eat 10 chocolate fudge cookies in a row.” One of my rock bottom moments was when I shoved two spoonfuls of Bisquick powder and two spoonfuls of milk in my mouth and swished them together before swallowing the batter down.

But like I said, Goop only eats humidifier mist and leaf tips a couple times a year:

I probably eat this way two or three times a year for three weeks at a time. Past that, I’m not willing to make the sacrifice. Life is about balance. It’s good to work in healthy food, whether it’s five days a week or five meals a week. And if you’re going to do it, it should be awesome food you’re psyched to make. But never cut out the brownies or the wine.

When Goop detoxes, she shits out her inner cuntiness and it makes her a less insufferable person (again, too easy) and her marriage to Chris Martin is different because of it:

You feel lighter and your emotions get smoother. I also was run-down because I had a lot of unexpressed anger. I made everyone else’s feelings more important than my own. I’d suck it up and then be alone in my car yelling at traffic or fighting with hangers in my closet when they got stuck together.

You’re not learning anything unless you’re having the difficult conversations. Dealing with things directly changed my relationships. Sometimes when you get clear about who you are, others get less comfortable because they liked who you were. It’s changed my marriage [to Chris Martin, 36], too, but he’s up for the challenge.

It’s probably made Goopy’s marriage better, because every time she goes on the no food diet, she makes Chris Martin go on the no food diet. So whenever she says some ridiculous crap, he’s too weak to fight back. He just lifts his head from off of the couch, uses the bit of strength he has left to shrug and then collapses into a puddle of weak numbness again. It’s the perfect marriage.

And Goop’s diet is totally working. It’s made her a reasonable, sane, down-to-earth and happy human being!

The scary thing is, Goop’s starting to sound a little like my mom. My mom is really healthy and thinks that diet has everything to do with your mood. Like whenever I’m on the phone with her and complain about something, she’ll say, “Did you eat sugar today? You sound grouchy.” Of course I ate sugar that day! I eat sugar every day! Of course I was grouchy that day! I’m grouchy every day! Being a bitch is my life blood and if sugar makes me bitchier, bring on the Twinkies!

Yes, I’m going to die alone surrounded by Butterfinger wrappers.

QOTD: Less Women Are Threatened By Goop Now That She’s 40

While Apple and Moses Martin are eating the stuck cheese off of the McDonald’s wrappers they smuggled into their bedrooms because they are HONGRAY, Goopy Paltrow is downstairs sharing a crystal goblet full of calorie-free organic air with a bunch of women who were too threatened by her to be her friend 14 years ago. Goopy tells Self Magazine (more like Self-Involved Magazine if Fishsticks is on the cover) that after Harvey Weinstein pretty much bought her an Oscar for Shakespeare in Love, women were too jealous of her power to be her friend. But now that she’s more seasoned and has been through a lot (I’ll wait here as you go and pick up the eyeball that rolled out onto the floor), women like Beyonce and Cameron Diaz want to be her friend. The Anne Hathaway of her time shat out this dingle of ridiculousness.

“I feel a sisterhood emerging around me. I’m less threatening now that I’m 40 and not 26-with-an-Oscar. They know I’ve been through a lot of pain and suffering – some public, some private – and I keep going. Or maybe it’s just that I was the first one who could afford therapy!”

Goopy really has been through a lot of pain and suffering! One time at a restaurant, she ordered a caviar-encrusted piece of raw bluefin tuna on a bed of cloud puree and the waiter brought her a caviar-encrusted piece of seared bluefin tuna instead. THE PAIN! Another time, she was watching a TV documentary on Ethiopia to get diet tips when a commercial for Pillsbury Crescent Rolls came on. THE SUFFERING! Goopy can’t even look at processed carbs, that’s how allergic to gluten she is. And let’s not even get into the time she had to rip her wood-burning pizza oven out because her weekday nanny put a DiGiorno in there. She has been through a lot!

And Goopy only has friends like Beyonce and Cameron Diaz now, because all the insufferable and pretentious crap that comes out of her mouth makes them feel humble and sane by comparison.

via The Daily Mail 

Justin Bieber Is Whining Again, Shades Lindsay Lohan While Doing So

Proving once again that mountains of money and fame can turn a toddler into a real insufferable thorn stuck in humanity’s ass lips, Justin Bieber typed out an “F U HATERZ!” rant on Instagram against the media for saying that his management and family are going to put him in rehab, because they think he’s losing it. This was a good idea, because nothing shows that you’ve got it together like a rambling, typo-filled, delusional rant of mega douche proportions.

The Biebs shat out the rant on Instagram earlier today, but one of his babysitters quickly deleted it and replaced it with a message that was slightly less douchey. But in his original rant, Bieber tells the media to suck on the lumpiest part of his diaper, because his piggy bank is stuffed to the top and his head is screwed on straight. Justin Bieber knows the latter part is 100% true, because he just had his head re-tightened at the Baby Alive factory. The Biebs also really told the intervention experts when he said that he doesn’t need rehab, because he’s 19 and a huge star. And somebody should turn the garden hose on White Oprah, who is probably passed out drunk on the front lawn, because she’s going to need to come at the Biebs for hating on her innocent child.

Here’s the Biebs’ rant and I can’t make fun of his typos. I make more typos and I’m sure it’s not easy using Speak & Spell to edit your rants. via ET

“I’m tired of all the countless lies in the press right now. Saying I’m going to rehab and how my family is disappointed in me. My family is beyond proud. If Anyone believes i need rehab thats their own stupidity lol I’m 19 with 5 number one albums, 19 and I’ve seen the whole world. 19 and I’ve accomplished more than I could’ve ever dreamed of, i’m 19 and it must be scary to some people to think that this is just the beginning. I know my talent level and i know i got my head on straight. i know who i am and i know who i’m not My messege is to to believe. I honestly don’t care if you don’t believe in me because I believe in me, and look where that’s gotten me so far.. I’m writing this with a smile on my face and love in my heart.

Letting u know first hand how I feel rather than have these story linger. I’m a good person with a big heart. And don’t think I deserve all of this negative press I’ve worked my ass off to get where I am and my hard work doesn’t stop here. i’m growing up finding myself while having people watch me and criticise me everyday i think im doing pretty damn good. And to those comparing me to Lindsey Lohan. Look at her 2012 tax statements.”

Yeah, the Biebs’ transformation into Aaron Carter is right on schedule. Damn at that last line. The Beliebers must’ve slid off their high chairs when their mommies read them that line.

I can’t wait for Lindsay Lohan to file a $100 billion lawsuit against this entitled douche for using her name for publicity and slandering her pristine image as a responsible, tax-paying citizen. And I hope she wins. Screw Justin Bieber for making me feel bad for Lindsay Lohan for five seconds.

And TMZ has screen shots of the Biebs’ original rant if you want to see it.

Let’s All Feel Sorry For Chris Brown (UPDATE)

Apparently, The Difficult Brown deleted his Instagram page right after Jesus’ lawyer sent him a cease and desist for using his shitty art to compare himself to God and St. Bea Arthur’s child (Jesus is Bea Arthur’s biological child and you can’t tell me otherwise). But MTV News says Chris Brown has another account on Instagram that’s private and he used it to cry butt tears of woe over the latest mound of shit that he created and stepped in. Chris Brown once again threw himself on the cross and bitch and moaned about he’s sick of people throwing hate at him. It really is hard out for there for an entitled rage monster who thinks that he’s above the law (see also: Lindsay Lohan).

Chris Brown is right. Why can’t everyone just leave Chris Brown alooooone, because it’s obvious that he’s a changed man who has totally taken responsibility for being an asshole and shows this every day through his actions. You know when Chris Brown murdered a mirror with a chair at Good Morning America? That was a changed man! You know when Chris Brown got into a parking lot brawl with Frank Ocean instead of walking away to avoid trouble? That was a changed man! You know how Chris Brown made up all those community service hours because he thinks he’s above the law? That’s a changed man!

Chris Brown isn’t Jesus. That’s unfair to say, because Chris Brown has it worse than Jesus! Jesus was just nailed to a cross and left to bleed and starve to death. Chris Brown has to deal with bitches on Twitter and the media constantly calling him out for being an unchanged asshole. That’s worse! Churches everywhere should swipe out their statues of Jesus on the cross for statues of Chris Brown crying in front of a laptop at all the mean comments, because that’s real suffering.

And please, like anything is going to happen to Chris in court today. It’s California! But maybe he should change his last name to “Lohan” to make sure.

UPDATE: Chris Brown denies this rant came from him and says it came from a fake Instagram account. I should’ve known it wasn’t him when he said he wasn’t Jesus.

Charlie Sheen Drops The Other “F” Bomb At His Club Opening

Ugh Charlie. Just when I start to think you are a nice guy who bails fellow crackheads out of their IRS trouble and donates the rest of your Scary Movie 5 salary to charity, you go and pull this stupid stunt. BOOOOOO. At the opening of the club he co-owns at the El Ganza hotel in Cabo, brilliantly named Sheenz with a Z (insert eye roll here), Charlie Sheen drops an F bomb on the crowd. No, not the glorious FUCK word, which nobody would have given an eff about. YEAH, that one.

NY Daily News has the story, and you can watch the video here on TMZ where Chuck (or as I lovingly refer to him “Upchuck” now amended to “ShutTheFuckUpchuck”) yells this to the crowd, which is notably NOT on board with what the fuck he just said judging from the lackluster response.

“How we doing? Lying bunch of f—got asssholes, how we doing?”

Adorable. He immediately apologized for the slur and said he was not trying to offend and that he meant to say “maggots” but he has a lisp. What a lame as fuck excuse. You have a lisp of the brains Charlie, just go do another fat rail off a couple of rented piece’s assholes and stop making appearances that aren’t pre-taped and edited. Slash showed up and played a set for the club opening, which Charlie by all reports hosted beautifully right up to the point he put his foot in his mouth up to his hipbone (BONUS, I can suck my own dick now! Shit, still cokey and flaccid, and tastes like Lindsay Lohan. ~ Charlie).