Category: Shut Your Hole
Kim K. Takes Fashion Advice From the Patron Saint of Leather Jogging Pants
Un-bleach your brains for a hot second to get a good mental picture of Kim K. here, here and here and allow yourself to giggle over the fact that her first post-baby interview was done for London’s Sunday Times Style (via US Weekly). She reached deep down into her kiddie pool-sized brain to say that she makes fashion decisions to please her man.
“You want your guy to think you’re really hot. I’ll put something on and he’ll [Kanye] say, ‘No, that doesn’t look good’, and I’ll trust him.'”
Sorry, but this isn’t the fourth grade, your relationship is not a sleepover and you can bet your pastry bag of an inflated ass that I wouldn’t keep doing fashion trust falls with a bitch who dropped me on my ass in a big way more than once. Sure, I want my man to think I look hot, but if I were Kim, I’d stop believing that shit after the first time a Met Gala guest mistook me for a sofa in the lobby. But that would require Kim to have two brain cells willing to come together and do some thinking and we all know that isn’t going to happen any time soon.
She also barfed out how much weight she’s lost on Atkins and how little she’s exercised (I do think she should get some credit for getting that white bathing suit on without ricocheting herself into the neighbor’s backyard) because she doesn’t want to leave her baby (except when her grown ass toddler of a man demands she be in Paris) and how even that barely-off-the-tit baby influences her fashion choices.
“I want to dress a little lighter colorwise. I think North looks cute in light colors, and then I want to wear light colors,” she reasons. “North doesn’t typically wear pink, though. She wears mauve or blush, not, like, typical baby pink.”
Listen up, bitches. That baby’s colors are BLUSH and BASHFUL. No common baby pink good enough for the likes of the unwashed masses shall be worn by NorthSouthEastLeftRightU-turn West.
Pic via Wenn.com
Robin Thicke’s Crotch Was The Innocent Party In His VMAs Performance With Miley Cyrus
Because we’re still treating that VMAs twerking shit like it’s the only thing that has ever happened in the history of the Earth (yes, I’m guilty and will punish myself by watching it again in slow motion while sober), The Mighty Oprah asked Alan Thicke’s son about it during Sunday’s episode of Oprah’s Next Chapter. Even though there were rehearsals and Robin Thicke obviously knew that Miley’s Amber Alert ass was going to rub up against his crotch, he played innocent and said that he wasn’t really paying attention to her during their performance.
“That’s all on her. People ask me, ‘Do you twerk?’ I’m like, ‘Listen, I’m the twerkee. I’m twerked upon. I don’t twerk myself, okay? I’m just twerked upon.’
I was on stage. I didn’t see it. So to me, I’m walking out towards Miley [and] I’m not thinking sex. I’m thinking fun, you know? I mean her and I don’t have that kind of – You have to remember, I’m singing my butt off. I’m sitting there. I’m looking up at the sky, and I’m not really paying attention to all that.”
The inside of Robin Thicke’s head probably looks a lot like my browser history: porn, porn, porn, porn, porn, porn, puppy videos, porn, porn, porn, porn, directions to nearest Del Taco, porn, porn, porn. Replace “puppy videos” and “directions to nearest Del Taco” with “Adult Friend Finder” and “70spimpsuits.com,” and that’s exactly what the inside of Robin Thicke’s head looks like. So he’s full of shit for saying that he wasn’t thinking about sex while singing a song about sex, because he’s always thinking about sex. Robin’s crotch was to Miley Cyrus’ ass as Janet Jackson’s nipple was to Justin Timberlake’s paw. That fuckery train had two conductors.
And I’m not going to watch Oprah’s Next Chapter on Sunday, because I love my TV too much and I’d have to take a sledgehammer to it if Oprah attempted to twerk on Robin’s crotch.
Here’s Robin doing an impersonation of all of the Nymphomaniac posters while performing in Liverpool last night.
Pics: Splash
Hugh Jackman’s Former Producing Partner Burps Up Some Racist, Homophobic Shit On Facebook
There was a time when Hugh JackMeOff and John Palermo were producing partners (you decide what they were producing together) and were joined at the (insert your body parts of choice here). Hugh and John ran a production company called Seed Productions (SEED!) together and John was a producer on X-Men Origins: Wolverine and Deception. Three years ago, Hugh and John broke up, took a cum rag to Seed Productions and went their separate ways. Hugh wanted to focus on acting and John got a new deal at Fox. Well, The Hollywood Reporter says that John’s deal with Fox ended a year ago and since then he’s been entertaining himself by spreading the racist and gay-hating fuckery on Facebook. Here’s just some of the shit he spewed out of his finger tips before he shut down his Facebook page.
On The Chenbot’s eyelid surgery: “I’m crazy about Julie Chen!!! Now that her eyes are finally open, she should leave Monster Moonves.”
On Kim and Kanye Kardashian’s mansion in Bel Air: “There goes the neighborhood!!! It looks like a Poor Persian Palace, where’s Kris Jenner when you need her?! #MoneyCantBuyADumbNiggaClass.”
On Anderson Cooper’s man opening a new bar in NYC: “#SmellsLikeLubeAndHIV.”
John told THR that his brain hasn’t crawled to the edge and jumped. He’s just a bored asshole living in the Valley and what do you do when you’re a bored asshole living in the Valley? You talk shit on the Internet, of course. Why is everybody looking at ME like that? Here’s what John said:
“Maybe people [who take offense] will look in the mirror and say, ‘When was the last time I called Les Moonves and asked for an African-American to play opposite me?’ I stopped caring about what Hollywood thinks of me years ago. I’ve got nothing to lose, nothing to gain. I’m a bored dude, unemployed, sitting at home in the Valley. For me, some of the best ways to overcome serious issues is to laugh about them. Because then you truly understand where that ignorance is coming from.”
Yup, he crazy. John is obviously going to do the damage control shuffle into rehab, but since he’s unemployed and probably sleeps all day, he can’t play the “exhaustion” card. Well, I guess he can play the “Hugh Jackman pulled out of my life” card, because that’s a valid reason to check into rehab.
Goopy Paltrow Loves Chick-fil-A
I completely forgot about that movie where Goopy Paltrow plays a sex addict and that’s because my brain really doesn’t want to think about that flaccid pencil dick in a blond wig as a sex addict. I was reminded about it, because it comes out this week and Goopy was on Chelsea Lately last night to promote it. Because Goopy’s movie is about sluts addicted to ass, Chelsea jokingly said that she’s a sex addict in real life. In a hotel room somewhere, Chris Martin lifted his head up off of his side trick’s crotch and let out the cackle of all cackles.
Chelsea also brought up Goopy’s upcoming 41st birthday and when she asked her what she was doing it for it, bitch said, “This year it’s Chick-Fil-A and that’s it.”
CHICK-FIL-A! She would.
I would’ve guessed that out of all the fast food places, Fishsticks would want to eat at Long John Silver’s, because she’d get off from eating herself. But seriously, I doubt Goopy taints her pristine temple of a body with any kind of processed shit. What she meant is that the only thing she’s going to eat for her birthday is the filet of an endangered bald eagle chick. That’s what she meant.
Here’s Goopy and Pink and Carey Hart at the premiere of Thank You For Sharing in Hollywood last night.
The Difficult Brown Cries On Twitter Again, Calls The District Attorney A “Racist Ass”
Babies suffering from diaper rash cry and whine less than the Difficult Brown does.
Chris Brown has to complete 1,000 more community service hours in Los Angeles County by next August, because the District Attorney found out that he faked a lot of the community service hours he had to complete for pleading guilty to beating RiRi. If any of us regulars got caught faking our community service hours, we’d probably be in jail, trying to figure out how to make Cronuts out of leftover pancakes and Honey Buns. But since the Difficult Brown has a fancy lawyer, he struck a deal with prosecutors and agreed to do the community service hours he never did in the first place and they agreed to not pursue charges against him for faking his hours. Everybody, except the poor soul who has to supervise Fist Brown and humanity, wins! But of course, since the Difficult Brown has to always be difficult, he spit the pacifier out of the throbbing whine hole on his face and cried, cried, cried about how the D.A. is a racist and is out to get him. TMZ says that the D.A. is a black woman, so there’s that. Here’s the latest tweetarrhea stream of woe that Chris Brown shat out:
That’s the kind of rant an 8-year-old Kanye busted out when he got caught cheating on a math test. That’s the kind of rant Paula Deen busted out when the Food Network dropped her. The drama! Chris Brown should probably cut his coke with Xanax from now, because he’s showing all of us that coke rage is real.
The Difficult Brown could learn a thing or two from his fellow criminal Lindsay Lohan. You don’t outright tell the judge to fuck off on Twitter. You do it with style, elegance and grace by writing “FUCK U” on your nail.
QOTD: Marky Mark’s Words Of Advice For Justin Bieber
Britain’s Grain of Salt Daily (aka The Sun, which you now have to pay to read online IN THIS ECONOMY) asked would-be 9/11 hero Marky Mark to piss out a little advice to Justin Bieber from one third degree douche burn to another. Marky, who along with Vanilla Ice are the blueprints of Justin Bieber’s life and spent the early part of his career with his pants on the ground, gave this advice to the Biebs (via Digital Spy):
“Justin, are you listening? Don’t be so naughty, yeah? Be a nice boy, pull your trousers up, make your mom proud and stop smoking weed, you little b**tard. He’s a teenager living in a different day and age. I was in prison before I got a record out and I don’t think he’s been to prison.
He’s a nice enough kid and you’re going to be a teenager, but if you’re being a teen in the spotlight you’re going to be criticized for it. This career can be short-lived – you might as well be the best you can while you’re doing it.”
I read that as “buttard” and I refuse to correct myself.
Justin Bieber is as pleasant as a tongue full of cold sores and he should probably be tranquilized and stored in a cage somewhere until he’s done with puberty, but at least there’s not a Vietnamese man in the Boston area who can’t see shit thanks to him. So maybe the Biebs isn’t doing that bad considering. Ugh. And I hate hate HATE that buttard Marky Mark for making me defend that little shit. I need a Hazmat shower now.
Here’s Marky Mark in London today.
