Eye Roll Inducer Of The Day: Poor Sean Penn Has Never Been Loved Before

Looking like Alf with a Katt Williams wig on, Sean Penn is on the cover of Esquire magazine and he also talked to them about all the matters of his corroded douche bag heart. Sean Penn was married to Robin Wright for 14 years and they have two kids together, but he tells Esquire that he doesn’t feel she truly, really loved him. When Sean and Robin got divorced, he realized that their love was fraudulent and she really wasn’t into being married to him (do you blame her?). Here’s the Woe-ing of Sean Penn:

“There is no shame in saying that we all want to be loved by someone. As I look back over my life in romance, I don’t feel I’ve ever had that. I have been the only one that was unaware of the fraud in a few of these circumstances blindly. When you get divorced, all the truths that come out, you sit there and you go, ‘What the fuck was I doing? What was I doing believing that this person was invested in this way?’ Which is a fantastically strong humiliation in the best sense. It can make somebody very bitter and very hard and closed off, but I find it does the opposite to me.”

Sean Penn doesn’t think he’s very bitter? If I dipped his dick in a cup of muddled sugar cubes and whiskey, I’d have an old-fashioned. I shouldn’t say that. We should all feel sorry for poor, unloved Sean Penn. When Sean Penn tied Madonna to a chair after slapping her around, he looked into her eyes and she didn’t give him a look of love. She never loved him! When Sean Penn used to spoon with Hugo Chavez in a tent in the middle of a jungle Venezuela, Hugo would pull away after a few minutes. He never loved him! When Sean Penn would come home smelling like random twat and Robin would sneer at him, she did it with disgust and not love. She never loved him! Sean Penn doesn’t beat bitches up because he’s a raging anus. He does it because he’s acting out over not being loved. When is somebody going to love Sean Penn?!

But you know, if Sean Penn wants to be loved, he needs to take a trip to him first. Because if he doesn’t love himself, who will? And based on that haircut, he obviously doesn’t love himself.

Rob Kardashian Says Rita Ora “Let Him” Knock Her Up

“Rita Whora” trended on Twitter a couple of nights ago and it was the only time I really wished that my parents would’ve named me “Rita” so my junior high school nickname could’ve been “Rita Whora.” “Rita Whore” started trending after Rob Kardashian jumped on Twitter and melodramatically went off about how his British pop singer girlfriend Rita Ora cheated on him bareback-style with 20 dudes. Well, sometimes when the regular dick you’re hopping on doesn’t get you off, you have to search for that orgasm by hopping on a different dick, or 20. It happens.

Rob and the Rihanna-wannabe were dating for about a year or two, but now their true love is over and he let it be known on Twitter on Sunday night. In case you missed it the first time, here’s a whore member of the biggest whore family in America giving ladies a lesson in self-respect:

I’ve got a metallic taste in my mouth and I’m really close to fainting and it’s all because I overdosed on irony after reading Rob’s first tweet. A Kardashian telling people to respect themselves? I mean, Kim Kardashian doesn’t even know what the phrase “unprotected sex” really means. She probably thinks it means having sex without the cameras rolling. If you want to see the true definition of confusion, wave a condom at Kim’s face. She doesn’t know what that is!

Rob didn’t stop there either. The Daily Mail points out that after a fake Rita Ora account tweeted, “Rob’s dick was wack, I had to go somewhere,” Rob’s simple ass responded by saying he knocked her up.

I doubt Rob put a Kardashian in Rita Ora’s womb. Because as soon as a Kardashian fetus starts growing in a womb, Pimp Mama Kris and photographers from Life & Style shows up in a cloud of black smoke to take pictures of the ultrasound.

And why does Rob keep going on about this? Doesn’t he have a sock empire to run?! And more importantly, why am I writing about these nobody whores? (“Because it’s an ongoing theme on Dlisted, see Courtney Stodden.” – you “Good point.” – me) Next thing you know I’ll be writing a 4,000 word post on how a junkie hobo got into a fight with his own shoe in front of a Circle K in Kansas City, Missouri. Actually, I should’ve written that post instead of this one.

Here’s Rita Whora performing at a show in Germany last week.

Michael Lohan Told You This Was Going To Happen

Six seconds after Lindsay Lohan was arrested for being Lindsay Lohan, Michael Lohan, her beloved father and the piece of dried leech shit who played a huge part in turning her into a human tequila worm of delusion, immediately pulled his cell phone out of the totally cool holster strapped to his International Male jeans and called the only people who will take his call: the media.

Michael Lohan tells Radar that he’s the one who tried to get LiLo into rehab and he told everyone she’d continue to be a professional fuck-up if she didn’t get real help. You know Michael Lohan really cares, because I’m sure that the first thing he said to Radar after calling them up was, “Yoko Ono came out with some new hot mesh shirts, so you’re gonna need to add a zero to my usual fee.” This is the pile of extra chunky caca filling that spewed out of Michael’s pie hole this morning:

“I TOLD you exactly what would happen and YOU KNOW I was trying to get Dina on board with me for a long time, BUT especially the last two weeks. Lindsay is acting out in numerous ways because she needs us and internally she’s hurt and angry! Again, it’s ALL on Dina and I wish to God she would stop and resolve things with us to do the same for our children.”

Before calling up Radar, Michael gave parenting advice on Twatter and I’m sure all of you parents will take that advice as soon as you finish asking Halle Berry for dating advice:

“This is for ALL parents who go or went thru the same! Please don’t make the mistakes! Do you see what I mean when our children don’t have BOTH parents there for them and on the same page! I have tried and tried but takes two! I have been trying for years and especially over the past two weeks but my pleas have gone unheard Children need BOTH PARENTS, not alienation”

Michael should write all of that down on a piece of paper and shove it in a bottle of Grey Goose, so Lindsay Lohan will be guaranteed to read it.

You know, it’s really hard to take a grown man seriously when his name is Michael Lohan, and more importantly it’s really hard to take a grown man seriously when he still keeps his cell phone in a holster strapped to his jeans. A cell phone ain’t an old-timey pistol and this ain’t the wild wild west. I bet Michael Lohan makes a “pew pew” sound every time he pulls his phone out. I mean…

Justin Bieber Thanks His Haters, Gets Attacked By Jenny McCarthy

Tree-fucking autism curer Jenny McCarthy is fighting against her own life mission. (No, I’m not talking about her life mission to be the biggest fame whore who ever fame whored. I’m talking about her war against vaccines and shit.) On stage at the AMAs last night, Jenny attacked and molested a yodeling baby and now every child who watched that mess is going to inject themselves up with every vaccine available. Because who knows what kind of diseases Justin Bieber has now and the children want to be prepared just in case the wild cougar attacks them too.

For next week’s show-and-tell at his pre-school, Justin will bring the three cone dildo trophies he won at the AMAs last night. Justin won (read: bought) Favorite Male (???) Pop Rock Artist (???), Artist of the Year and some other award. While accepting his first award, Justin, seen below with his mommy, spoke like a true spoiled little shit when he dedicated his win to the haters who didn’t think he’d be around for long.

“This is for all the haters who thought I’d be around for 1, 2 years. I feel like I’m gonna be here for a very long time.”

Isn’t that the exact same speech Jordy gave when he won the Best New Artist award at the Grammys and look where he is now. (Note: Jorday SO should’ve won the Best New Artist Grammy). Back to Biebs, there’s nothing worse than a smug toddler. I liked Justin Bieber a lot better when he was dancing to that Ooga-Chaka song on Ally McBeal. Click those ruby slippers, Biebs, and go home, because your diaper leggings need changing.

Courtney Stodden’s Relationship Advice To A 14-Year-Old

14-year-old Ariel Winter, who plays the daughter with the glasses on Modern Family, is now living with her older sister after she told the court her mother Chrystal Workman verbally, physically and emotionally abused her. Chrystal Workman denies abusing her daughter and she says her daughter only called CPS on her ass after she tried to put an end to Ariel’s relationship with 18-year-old Cameron Palatas. Chrystal says she caught Ariel and Cameron in bed together and told her daughter she couldn’t see him again, but when the illegal foolery continued, she filed statutory rape charges against him. I know, none of us know what to think about this mess, but thankfully we have the wise porn iguana that is Courtney Stodden to guide our thoughts for us. Radar went up to Courtney’s advice booth and asked her what she thinks about 14-year-old Ariel dating an 18-year-old dude.

Courtney isn’t a licensed therapist and has bleached iguana dingles for brains, but we should still listen to what she has to say because she’s rill, rill wise like that. Courtney didn’t know who Ariel was at first, so her keeper Doug Hutchison had to tell her and then she spat this up:

“I think it’s awesome! As long as they’re in love, it’s okay. They should get married!”

I know that whenever I need relationship advice, I try to get it from an 18-year-old factory defected Frederick’s of Hollywood mannequin who is possessed by the spirit of a lizard demon and calls her 51-year-old creepster husband “daddy.” When Courtney Stodden says she approves of your relationship, that’s your cue to un-friend your boyfriend on Facebook, erase all traces of him from your iPhone and pay a mind-erasing hypnotist thousands of dollars to scrub every memory of him from the crevices of your brain. Do take fashion, make-up and plastic surgery advice from Courtney, but don’t take relationship advice from that mess. Go to bed, Courtney, and by bed, I mean JAIL!

And let’s not ask Courtney what she thinks about Elmo getting it on with a 16-year-old. We’ve already been through enough today.

UPDATE: And here’s Courtney, her pimp mom and her mutant foreskin of a husband at some event in Downtown L.A. last night. This is why you should always take fashion, make-up and plastic surgery advice from Courtney. The clear bra straps, the baby powder make-up, the melting face, the exquisite lucite heels and the not-at-all obvious tit padding… Why isn’t this on the cover of Chernobyl Vogue?!

What Is Kate Gosselin Mad About Today?

Kate Gosselin’s whiny screams power the furnace in Hell and so if she’s not bitching and moaning about something, her creator Lucifer will freeze his horns off. So a couple of days ago, Kate Gosselin oh-so-passive-aggressively threw hate on pictures that Jon Gosselin’s piece of the moment took of her pit bull with a member of the Gosselin child army. Kate thinks that children shouldn’t hang around with pit bulls, because they eat children or something. Kate is right. Just look at how that vicious pit bull is attacking that child! It’s obviously trying to suffocate him to death by plugging up one of his breathing holes with its tongue!

Radar says that instead of Kate going to Jon and saying, “Listen, keep those pit bulls away from my money makers, because if any rabid beast is going to attack my children, it’s going to be me“, she re-tweeted a couple of tweets about pit bulls from one of her followers:

@JenWheeler @Kateplusmy8 Children who were victims of pit bulls Take a look & see why people care. http://walkforvictimsofpitbulls.blogspot.com

@Kateplusmy8 @OneMomsOpinion Pictures & stories of pit bull victims http://walkforvictimsofpitbulls.blogspot.com

I’ve only met a couple of pit bulls and one of them tried to attack me with its lipstick, so I’m not exactly an expert when it comes to pit bulls. But even though I’m not exactly a pit bull whisperer, I know that I’m speaking the truth when I say that those kids would be less screwed if they were raised by a pack of pit bulls instead of Jon and Kate. If only Kate shut her trap hole and fell to the ground when you poked her side while going, “TSST! TSST!“