And Here’s The Audio Of A Pissed-Off Bristol Palin Right After That Trashy Alaskan Fight

Sadly, there’s no video from the actual fistfight between Alaskan teen mom sweetheart Bristol Palin and the owner of the house where she got into a messy drunken brawl with her Ski-Doo Crew, but I’m sure you could watch a video of two racoons fighting over a trash can and it would be basically the same thing. Until then, please enjoy the audio of Bristol giving a statement to the police. Don’t worry, it’s just as messy! It has to be – it’s the Palin way!

During the conversation, which was recorded by Anchorage police and obtained by TMZ, Bristol bring the drama by drunkenly crying that it all started when some old lady walked up and pushed her little sister, which triggered Bristol to hiss “Oh fuckin’ hell no“, aka the redneck equivalent of “Oh here go hell come“. Bristol then gets out of what she calls “the limo” (I assume “the limo” is a nickname for their nicest truck), but before she can find the bitch responsible, a dude knocks her to the ground in her camo-print “thong dress”(the Slut Dress has an Alaskan hillbilly cousin, I see), the proceeds to call her “you slut, you fuckin’ cunt, you fuckin’ this” and drags her ass across the grass by her feet. “Aw, Todd did the same thing on our wedding night.” – Sarah Palin.

But the thing Bristol seems most upset about isn’t that her 5-year-old was in the car the whole time (he was, again – it’s the Palin way) or that her glamorous-sounding thong dress was damaged. It’s that someone made off with her $300 sunglasses! HER $300 SUNGLASSES! Now how will she hide the hangover in her eyes every morning?

And in case you want to see the injuries Bristol sustained, here are the police pictures after the brawl. All I really care about is whether or not the camo-print thong dress is okay! Will it require any stitches?? Pray 4 camo-print thong dress!

Pics: TMZ

Sarah Palin Defends Her Family After Trashy Hot Alaskan Brawl

Seen above bringing the glamour by shoving six Bump-Its in her hair before posing with Willow and Bristol, Sarah Palin did something she never does, keep her lips shut, when the story about her family’s Jerry Springer-approved messy brawl at a snowmobile party in Anchorage came out. Over a week ago, bloggers in Alaska reported that the Palins were involved in a 20-person drunken brawl that ended with Bristol Palin repeatedly punching the owner the house and Sarah Palin screaming, “Do you know who I am?!” The Anchorage PD confirmed that the trashy brawl went down and said that the Palins were there, but didn’t say anything else. A few days ago, the pride of Alaska (Correction: The FORMER pride of Alaska. The new, real pride of Alaska is Charlo Greene.) FINALLY broke her silence and wrote a Facebook post where she slobbered out a stream of pride for Bristol Palin and waved a shank at the liberal media for trying to bring down her family. Take it away, Mama Grizzly!

I love my Bristol! My straight-shooter is one of the strongest young women you’ll ever meet. I have to say this as a proud mama: right up there with their work ethic and heart for those less fortunate, my kids’ defense of family makes my heart soar! As you can imagine, they and my extended family have experienced so many things (liberal media-driven) that may have crushed others without a strong foundation of faith, and I’m thankful for our friends’ prayer shield that surrounds them, allowing faith to remain their anchor. Thank you, prayer warriors! I love you!

See this from Bristol:
http://www.patheos.com/blogs/bristolpalin/2014/09/my-parents-divorce/

– Sarah Palin

“Work ethic.”

Sarah Palin defending Bristol Palin’s messy ass tells me that during that brawl, Sarah held down that house owner and screamed, “Whoop that trick, honey! Whoop ’em,” while her pride and joy punched him in the face several times. Now that Here Comes Honey Boo Boo is in danger of ending (no, it isn’t), TLC should beg the Palin family to star in another reality shit show for them, because us Americans need our weekly dose of pure hillbilly class.

Pic: Facebook

The Palin Family Might’ve Been Involved In A Good Old Fashioned Drunken Brawl At A Snowmobile Party

That headline alone should make you want to drive yourself to the ER to be treated for an overdose of class.

Several Alaskan blogs claim that the First Family of Alaskan Messiness were the stars of a drunken 20-person Saturday night brawl which ended with a shirtless Track Palin flipping people off in the street while Todd Palin held his bloody nose. Since you can see Alaska from Russia, I pray one of those Russian dash cams recorded this glorious display of pure Palin classiness.

Amanda Coyne (via Mediate) says that it all started when the Palins showed up in a stretch Hummer to an Iron Dog snowmobile party at a house in Anchorage. As soon as Track Palin got out of the Hummer, he spotted an ex-boyfriend of Willow Palin and he turned on the crazy all the way. Apparently, Track doesn’t like the dude and the two verbally fought for a bit. Their argument led to the owner of the house, 2010 Iron Dog winner Chris Olds, getting involved and that’s when shit really got real Wasilla-style.

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Presented Without Comment: Happy Martin Luther King Jr. Day From Sarah Palin!

Okay, maybe one comment: The only thing I want to know is if Sarah Palin wore her exquisite patriotic stripper heels while telling Obama to slip the “race card” under his pile. That’s the only thing that matters.

Sarah Palin Continues To Be The Glamour Icon Of ‘Murica

Sarah Palin may be an empty-headed fame whore who speaks out of her ass 100% of the time, but it’s moments like these where I appreciate her, because she’s out there keeping refined glamour alive in America. Sarah Palin isn’t only on the front lines of the non-existent War on Christmas, but she’s also on the front lines of elegance.

Dozens of reporters at the TCA press tour in Los Angeles today said to themselves, “I didn’t know there was a Chanel in Wasilla,” when the Governor of Patriotic Sophistication walked on stage in patriotic platform heels. I pledge allegiance to Sarah Palin’s classic style.

Those are the kind of shoes you usually see on a bikini-wearing Craigslist model posing in front of a tricked out El Camino at an outdoor car show held in the parking lot of a strip mall in Alabama. What I’m saying is that Sarah Palin has exquisite taste. But anybody who has seen her frosted pink lipstick, leopard Jersey Shore heels and black hooker wedges knows this already.

Pics: Getty (Thanks, CN!)

Somebody Is Pissed That Her Invitation To The WHCD Got Lost In The Mail

Tom Brokaw and Sarah Palin actually have something in common. They both hate-watched the hell out of the White House Correspondents’ Dinner last night. As the hos from DC and the hos from Hollywood roasted (although, it was more like a light searing followed by a soothing burn-cooling blow) each other, the White Rain crust on Sarah Palin’s hair strands melted off as she clenched her ass cheeks and fisted the TV in disgust. Those ass clowns in DC were drunkenly laughing with each other while hard-working American Sarah Palin was working hard. Drunk tweeting the WHCD in between finishing up your application for the next season of Splash is hard work, thankyouverymuch!

If you’re one of those hard-working Americans who was too busy working hard to watch that mess last night, here’s President Obama’s act which features cameos by Steven Spielberg, Moe Howard’s bangs and Tracy Morgan.

Here’s Conan’s act and if you ain’t got time for it, his best line was, “President Obama and John Boehner are kind of like a blind date between Anderson Cooper and Rachel Maddow. In theory, they understand each other’s positions, but deep down you know nothing is ever going to happen.”

I don’t know which image takes me higher: the image of Sarah Palin throwing her Bump-It at the TV screen, because she wasn’t invited to the party or the Silver Fox and Rachel Maddow awkwardly scissoring with their clothes on.