Bristol Palin Is Knocked Up Again

Permanent resident of the soap box Bristol Palin must have been too busy whooping bitches at snowmobiles parties and judging tricks left and right to learn about condoms, birth control pills, Mirena and the “finish on my thigh” method, because another unexpected visitor moved into her uterus recently. A month after canceling her wedding to that Dakota Meyer dude, 24-year-old Bristol announced on her blog today that soon she’ll be holding another baby in one arm while drunkenly beating a bitch at a party with the other arm. Bristol seems really happy about it too!

Unlike your friends on Facebook who cream out of every orifice about being knocked up, Bristol doesn’t seem that into it and she also didn’t say who the father is. Since she practices abstinence, she probably tripped and fell on a raw dick. Bristol says that she’s keeping her chin implant up, she doesn’t want any lectures (says the full-time lecturer) and knows she can handle anything with dignity and grace (HA!).

(I’m announcing this news a lot sooner than I ever expected due to the constant trolls who have nothing better to talk about!!!)

I wanted you guys to be the first to know that I am pregnant.

Honestly, I’ve been trying my hardest to keep my chin up on this one.

At the end of the day there’s nothing I can’t do with God by my side, and I know I am fully capable of handling anything that is put in front of me with dignity and grace.

Life moves on no matter what. So no matter how you feel, you get up, get dressed, show up, and never give up.

When life gets tough, there is no other option but to get tougher.

Bristol goes on to ask for privacy even though we all know she doesn’t mean that.

I know this has been, and will be, a huge disappointment to my family, to my close friends, and to many of you.

But please respect Tripp’s and my privacy during this time. I do not want any lectures and I do not want any sympathy.

My little family always has, and always will come first.

Tripp, this new baby, and I will all be fine, because God is merciful.

Sarah Palin hasn’t said anything about this yet. She’ll probably just release the same statement she released the first time Bristol got pregnant 6 years ago.

I know it’s too early to talk about names, but I really hope she names this one Fall. And well, Bristol’s new baby can look forward to having a grandma who will teach them about style and sophistication. Here’s some pictures I totally missed from January of Sarah Palin delivering massive amounts of “country star circa 1991” glamour at some event with Ted Nugent in Las Vegas.

Pics: Wenn.com, Splash

Bristol Palin Blew Off Her Canceled Wedding BBQ To Hang Out With Her Exotic Model Friend

I’m about as musical as a dehydrated piece of rutabaga, but I’m thinking of starting a band just so I can call it Exotic Model Friend.

This past weekend, the Princess of Wasilla Bristol Palin (Side note: The next time I go outside and a snowball hits my head, I’m just going to assume that an angry bitch from Wasilla threw it at me from Alaska as punishment for calling Bristol Palin their city’s princess.) was supposed to walk down a  moose rug runner to a Skynyrd song while wearing a custom-made Cabela’s camo gown, but that didn’t happen. Bristol hit the kill switch on her planned wedding to her fiancé of a second Dakota Meyer (the dude in the middle giving you lopsided Caesar cut) and it may or may not have something to do with him having a secret first wife. Bristol later claimed that she knew all about Dakota’s first wife and said he divorced her a while ago. Bristol didn’t say if her and Dakota’s love is now roadkill, but it looks like it is and it’s obvious her initials aren’t going to become BM (Bristol Meyer) anytime soon. Actually, if they did get married, Dakota should’ve taken Bristol’s last name so he could have the greatest initials ever: DP.

Sarah Palin burped out a statement saying that her family and Dakota’s family planned to turn the canceled wedding into a Memorial Day Weekend BBQ, because I guess they couldn’t get their deposit back.  The BBQ happened on Saturday and many guests probably asked themselves, “Hmm, something is missing. Why am I not pulling out my cellphone to record an angry brown-headed chick beating a trick over the head with her UGG?” The answer is: Because Bristol wasn’t there!

Continue reading

Bristol Palin May Have Called Off Her Wedding Because Her Fiancé Had A Secret Wife

Normally when you’re thinking of making it legal with another person, you ask questions to make sure you’re compatible with each other. Stuff like “Would you say you like or love Shahs of Sunset?” or “In your opinion, how many bottles of wine is too many?” Once you get all the important shit out of the way, you move on to the boring questions like “Do you have a secret wife?” or “How many secret wives do you currently have?” Unfortunately, Bristol Palin’s mama was too busy practicing her smile-n-wink in the mirror to teach her daughter basic relationship 101, and now Bristol has once again found herself in the middle of some messy marriage drama.

Back in March, 24-year-old Bristol announced that she was engaged to a 26-year-old U.S. Marine named Dakota Meyer, and they were planning on getting hitched on Memorial Day Weekend. Then it got all kinds of Palin-y last week when it was revealed that Dakota Meyer may already have a wife. A friend of Bristol’s fiancé’s secret wife’s sister came forward and ratted his ass out, claiming that he got married in Kentucky when he was 19 and they still might be technically married.

Continue reading

Louis C.K. Is Sorry For That Time He Hissed At Sarah Palin On Twitter

Way back in 2010, comedian and hot Ginger daddy (don’t judge me) Louis C. K. composed a series of drunken tweets on an airplane, one of which was directed at living Bumpit Sarah Palin. Although to be fair, who isn’t guilty of getting drunk and tweeting shit about Sarah Palin? Let he who is without tweet against that dumb shit from Alaska be without…something something…cast the first stone (oh Jesus, speaking of getting drunk on an airplane, it appears I’m still whatever the word for jet lagged + hungover is). Louis C.K. had referred to Sarah Palin as a “fucking jackoff cunt-face jazzy wondergirl“. No offense to the real Wonder Girl, I’m sure.

Five years later, Louis C.K. tells Howard Stern (via People) that he’s sorry for ever calling her a fucking jackoff cunt-face jazzy wondergirl. Louis was approached by Sarah Palin at the SNL 40th Anniversary after-party in February because Sarah said her nephew, who was her date that night, told her that she had to say Hi to Louis C.K. and that he’s the one guy she had to meet. That’s when, according to Louis, “something came over me emotionally” and he apologized. Louis also told Howard he’s never apologized for any of his jokes before that night.

And just like a broken spring in a Whac-A-Mole game, Sarah Palin popped out of her hole in Wasilla to add to his story. Sarah tells People that she was “sincerely humbled” that he would apologize and laughed it off, because she hadn’t even heard what he’d said about her. Yeah right. As if Sarah Palin hasn’t ever switched internet providers in order to handle the bandwidth required for her to examine every single one of her Google alerts that contain the words “Sarah Palin” plus several expletives.

Louis C.K. also added that Sarah Palin invited him to come fishing with her in Alaska. Don’t do it Louis! It’s a trap! First she gets you in a boat in the middle of nowhere with the promise of fish, then Joe the Plumber pulls up on a Sea-Doo, she hops out of the boat, and they speed away, leaving you all alone with nothing but a thin piece of tin between your ass and an ice alien from The Thing.

So This Is A Thing That Happened Last Night

Nothing like a picture of Sarah Palin and Al Sharpton to make all political parties join together to say, “AAAAAAAAAAAAAH,” in unison.

When I first heard that the former Governor of Alaska and current Governor of Fame Whores, Sarah Palin, was going to be on Saturday Night Live’s 40th anniversary special, I prayed to my God above, Bea Arthur, that they’d give her a good 20 minutes to rant about whatever she wants to rant about, because her word salads (drenched in a dressing made of pure YES) are gold wrapped in gold. Sadly, the producers didn’t do that. Instead, Sarah Palin was part of Jerry Seinfeld’s Q&A where she joked about moistening the tip of SNL’s boner by running with Donald Trump in 2016. I know, I thought Sarah Palin was allergic to the lamestream media and Hollywood leftists, but I guess that allergy magically goes away when they invite her to an event with cameras.

Sarah sat next to Taylor Swift and they really should’ve kept a camera on them at all times and aired it as another 4-hour special, because this one moment was my everything:

Tay  Tay looks like she’s busting out an, “Ugh, mom, you are embarrassing me,” eye roll. Some think that the new money Jill the Talking Doll looked annoyed that she had to touch arms with Mama Grizzly, but I don’t think Taylor was pissed that she had to sit next to Sarah Palin. I think she was pissed that Sarah looked hotter and more glamorous than her. Sorry, Tay, but you just can’t compete with Sarah Palin’s “mom getting her freak on during happy hour at T.G.I. Friday’s on a Saturday night” glamour.

Sarah told UsWeekly that everything from her clearance section Charlotte Russe dress to her bear pussy purse to her Chinese Laundry bootie shoes came from Bristol Palin’s closet. Bristol wore that same dress to the White House Correspondents’ Dinner in 2011. Sarah proved she’s a true fashionista by making the look her own with the help of L’eggs hose and at least six Bump-Its in her hair. Sarah wore it better, obviously, because the “Gemma from Sons of Anarchy eloping at a 24-hour wedding chapel in Reno, NV” look is the look.

Pics: Wenn.com, @TheRevAl, NBC

Sarah Palin Slaps At PETA For Slapping At Her

On New Year’s Day, the talking Bump-It who could have been this country’s Vice President got a lot of shit thrown at her when she covered her Facebook page with several pictures of her 6-year-old son Trig using his service dog Jill as a step stool. Yeah, I don’t think “step stool” is on the list of Jill’s job requirements. Besides, dogs make terrible step stools. Their fur makes them all slippery and shit, and real step stools won’t bite your toes off if you step on them wrong.

Along with the pictures, Sarah Palin farted up some words of wisdom about her son stepping on poor ass Jill: “…..see every stumbling block turned into a stepping stone on the path forward. Trig just reminded me. He, determined to help wash dishes with an oblivious mama not acknowledging his signs for ‘up!’, found me and a lazy dog blocking his way. He made his stepping stone.” Many people screamed “DOG ABUSE” and PETA shit on Sarah Palin for thinking it’s cute to post pictures like that and call it a victory. Like PETA, Sarah Palin is not one to miss out on an opportunity to get a whole lot of attention, so she wrote a response on FB to PETA (read: got her assistants to write it for her) where she made sure to get her followers heated up by mentioning President Obama’s name.

Continue reading