Presenting The Newly Elected President Of 80s Glamour

I don’t approve of the things that come out of Sarah Palin’s mouth, but I do approve of the frosted glamour she smeared on her mouth before her appearance on Fox News last night. The Governor of Alaska turned Dancing with the Stars seat filler went on Fox News last night to blab about blah blah blah blah, but I have a feeling she was really on there to show the people of America the kind of glamour we’re missing out on.

You won’t find a Bumpit at Walmart today, because they’re all in Sarah Palin’s hair. Those jars of Aziza rouge your mom kept under her bathroom sink in a shoe box are all gone, because Sarah Palin smeared ’em all over her cheeks. (Side note: Sarah Palin’s should’ve called her book Going Rouge instead.)

The next time you’re strolling through the beauty aisles of a Walgreens and sneer at tube of frosted bubblegum pink lipstick collecting dust in the Wet ‘N Wild section and wonder who in the hell would buy that mess, just remember this picture to get your answer. Sarah Palin has and will continue to buy that tube of frosted bubblegum pink lipstick and I am grateful for it. I can see glamour from my house!

If Sarah Palin insists on working the ho stroll over and over again, the least she can do is work it while looking like GOP Peg Bundy.

via HuffPo

I Can See The Ratings From My House!

I don’t know if I want this story about Sarah Palin co-hosting Today on Tuesday to be a tardy-to-the-party April Fool’s joke or if I want it be a truth! I’m more than leaning toward the latter, because this could be foolery wrapped in magic wrapped in the spit that will fly out of my mouth while laughing at Joel McHale shading this on The Soup. They should just put Sarah Palin, Kathie Lee Gifford and a box of wine in a studio together and give us enough time to put on a yellow plastic poncho to protect us from all the fuckery that will fly through the screen. TRUE: I hope this comes!

via Mediabistro

Wyclef Jean And Lil Wayne Should Talk

Lil Wayne took a break from overpopulating the planet with his spawn to talk about politics with Vibe Magazine (via MTV). Specifically, the womb-raiding goblin said that Republicans live in a Brady Bunch bubble and don’t want to work with black people to make shit better.

“You learn from what the right-wing is doing and you take something from it. I feel like as a people, the most that we can do is better ourselves and learn. Then look at yourself and ask, ‘Am I the person they’re talking about or am I not?’ You have to make the most of who you are because the Republicans are never going to like us.”

Meanwhile, Wyclef Jean took a break from overpopulating his personal checking account with cash from his charity to draw a heart around Sarah Palin’s name at Donna Karan’s party in NYC on Monday. Wyclef said this shit to WWD:

“I have to tell you this: I am a huge fan of Sarah Palin. Cause she’s rad. She’s shrewd. She’s cool. Because at the end of the day, I’m for the people, because this is the United States of America…this is what America’s really about. Anyone should have the right to say, ‘Look I can do the job and this is what qualifies me to do the job.’….Now my wife probably will debate and disagree with me.

I’m not saying she could be the next president, you know, but there’s something about her. Heavy debates in my house. Whenever I say Sarah Palin, people think I’m crazy, but I like her, I do. I can like whoever. This is America, right?”

Somebody please lock Lil Wayne, Wyclef and Sarah Palin in a room together with a Vh1 (or TLC who is quickly becoming the new Vh1) camera crew! But don’t put a line of coke, Glen Rice, fertile sluts and Sean Penn in that same room or it’ll turn into something none of us want to see. Or do we?

A History Lesson From Sarah Palin

I know I’m supposed to fully hate Sarah Palin since she’d rather watch me slit a baby black bear’s throat with a broken Budweiser bottle than watch me marry the dude I love, but how can I when she keeps delivering priceless gifts like this?

In case you missed it, here’s Sarah Palin explaining the midnight ride of Paul Revere the same way you’d explain it after 12 sake bombs, a couple of bong hits, a concussion and a bump of crushed Benadryl. To be fair, if someone asked me about Paul Revere, I’d tell them that I loved his work in The Pee-wee Herman Show.

via Videogum

Presented Without Comment: Sarah Palin’s Tour Bus Gets Tagged In NYC

via Animal NY

The Palin Family’s Got A New Member!

The eldest Palin son, 22-year-old Track, married his high school sweetheart, 21-year-old Britta Hanson, in an intimate ceremony in Hatcher Pass, Alaska today. After the young army reservist and the nursing student were married, their families immediately wrapped this statement in seal blubber and sent it to the office of People via a carrier falcon:

“Our families couldn’t be happier! These are two hard working, humble, active, studious young adults who grew up together. We’re tickled that after two decades of friendship we proudly witnessed their marriage, knowing their new life together will be blessed.

They will have a larger wedding celebration this winter at Alaska’s Alyeska Ski Resort when extended family and friends from the Lower 48 can travel north for a long ski weekend.

The Hanson and Palin families are ecstatic and proud that Britta and Track married in one of our favorite spots in America, spectacular Hatcher Pass, Alaska. It’s a site we’ve all shared fun memories of skiing, snowboarding, hiking and snowmachining.”

You know, there’s something very familiar about this whole thing. Having a surprise wedding on a weekday afternoon… The bride wearing a smart casual blazer from Dress Barn with a slimming black t-shirt from The Limited…. A bouquet covering any evidence…. I KNOW! This is just like the wedding my cousin had when she didn’t want our abuelita finding out that she was 3-months knocked up! Ho tried to put a silencer on the shot gun! This is just like that.

However, in this case, instead of worrying about an abuelita finding out, they’re trying to keep it from the publicist who handles Bristol Palin’s pro-abstinence speaking engagements.