Robin Thicke Might Be Engaged To His 20-Year-Old Girlfriend

You can always count on Frances McDormand to show up in the background and make a face that fully expresses your thoughts.

It’s been a little over a year since Robin Thicke devoted an entire album to trying to get his then-wife Paula Patton back. The album flopped and Paula responded to his pathetic acts of begging by filing for divorce in October 2014. Robin and Paula’s divorce became official in March of this year. 38-year-old Robin started dating his new piece, 20-year-old model type April Love Geary, in October and it seems like he’s moved on, but I’m not sure I would call dating the Nick Jr. version of your ex-wife “moving on.” But whatever, Robin’s douche heart is supposedly wrapped all the way around April and he wants to make her his wife #2.

Life & Style claims that Robin proposed to April and she said yes, because DUH$$$. A source says that Robin knows they haven’t been together for that long, but he doesn’t want to lose her. They also have so much in common. Robin plagiarized Marvin Gaye and she plagiarized Paula Patton’s looks. The source said this:

“Robin’s moving really quick with the relationship. Both his parents have told him to take some time and not rush into marriage again so soon,” the source shares. But he’s not listening to those pleas. “They go almost everywhere together. He’s totally obsessed with her.”

Robin’s rep tells Billboard that it’s not true and he’s not engaged. But I don’t know, Robin seems like the type to have a premature mid-life crisis.

If this turns out to be true, then I hope April convinces Robin to marry without a prenup. Because think of all the torture she’ll have to go through while being married to Robin Thicke. Robin will probably call her Paula, make her wear outfits that Paula wore and tell her to give him a lap dance as Paula while he sings songs from his album Paula. Not to mention that April can’t even legally have a drink when Robin gets on her nerves out in public. The definition of “how dreadful.”

And here’s Robin and April in NYC last June.

Pics: Wenn.com

Robin Thicke Knows How Embarrassing He Was During His “Get Paula Patton Back” Phase

During a recent interview with The New York Times, feminine odor’s arch nemesis Robin Thicke confessed something anyone with two ears and a basic understanding of shame already knew: that his pathetic attempt to win his estranged wife Paula Patton back after she left him was beyond embarrassing. Robin has finally realized that releasing an entire album dedicated to the woman who finally got tired of finding random thongs in the laundry wasn’t such a great idea. The same goes for promoting it with the desperation of a “Can I Borrow A Feeling“-singing Kirk Van Houten. Robin knows now.

Robin says his “Aha!” moment (or maybe it was more of an “Oh shit” moment) came shortly after he dedicated his performance of “Forever Love” at the 2014 BET Awards to Paula. Robin was confronted by a friend who got real with him and not-so-subtly told him he looked “like a sucker“.

“What I thought was romantic was just embarrassing. And he said, “You should just go away for a while.” So I shut everything down. I took some time off to be with my son, and to be with my family and close friends. And the more time I took off, the more everything became clear.”

Even though every song on Paula was a damn disaster, Robin doesn’t have any regrets about recording them. Because that’s how Robin is.

“Look, my songwriting has always been autobiographical, and always will be. The ‘Paula’ album was no different. I was struggling through my toughest time, and I decided to share it. And I remember my team and my record company didn’t want me to put it out, but they stuck by me. In hindsight, the only thing I would have done differently was, I wouldn’t have promoted it or sold it. I would have given it away. That would have kept the purity of the message intact.”

“You mean I could have gotten this shit for free?” said all six of the people who bought Paula. A group that includes Robin’s horny papa Alan Thicke, who was no doubt responsible for 2/3 of the sales. At least Robin can sleep well tonight knowing that someone, somewhere is trying to make his wish come true by giving away their copy of Paula for free. Sure, so far nobody but the trash can will take it, but at least that somebody is trying.

Pic: YouTube

Leave It To Dita Von Teese To Serve Up Flawless Retro Goth Alice In Wonderland Table Runner Realness

I don’t know if that’s actually a look, but it is now. Katy Keene’s closest living relative Dita Von Teese showed up at the amfAR Gala in Cannes today looking like a recently-divorced teacher from Ever After High who has decided to use up all her vacation days on a two week trip to Las Vegas with her best gals, Dottie and Trixie, and I love it. It’s like Alice in Wonderland meets Cry Baby meets a good push-up bra and a box of Clairol Nice n’ Easy #122. I feel like at any moment, a white rabbit is going to pop out of her cleavage and offer me a martini.

She also totally reminds me of one of the bedrooms in my aunt’s old house. My aunt had two fancy guest bedrooms, the white room and the blue room. I didn’t like staying in the white room because there were two old Raggedy Ann dolls that freaked me out, so I always picked the blue room. The blue room was opulent as hell; it was like Versailles farted on Liberace. Everything was covered in blue satin and embroidered with fancy beads and tassels and various decorative shim-shams. It was a wash-your-hands-twice-and-don’t-touch-nothing kind of room.

Basically what I’m trying to get at is that Dita Von Teese looks very classy and all, but she’s missing a decorative bolster pillow placed carefully on her boobs.

Here’s more of Dita at the amfAR Gala in Cannes, as well as a bunch of other fancy dressed famous types, like Rita Ora, Adrien Brody, the tallest of the Kalabasas Klan, and Robin Thicke. Yes, Robin Thicke is still getting invited to things.

Pics: Splash

Alan Thicke Likes To Listen To His Son’s Song While Boning

If that headline made your clit skedaddle up into your body, you might be able to coax it back out with a GIF of Charlie Hunnam’s humping ass. But who knows if that will even do it. It knows things now and it’s not sure the world is safe as long as Alan Thicke is orgasming as his son yodels out a high-pitched castration wail.

In “sometimes the sleazy, gross apple doesn’t fall far from the sleazy, gross tree” news, Alan Thicke and his wife Tanya Callau just had to let it be known that Robin Thicke’s song “Sex Therapy” is like musical Viagra to them. That’s funny, because to me, any Robin Thicke song has the opposite of effect on my fuck parts. While talking to UsWeekly, Alan said that when he and Tanya really want to go to Fucktown, they put on his son’s song. Suck down an entire bottle of Dramamine, because this mess will bring the heaves:

In this week’s Loose Talk video, Alan, 68, and his wife, Tanya Callau, 40, admit that they aren’t afraid to get busy in the boudoir with son Robin Thicke’s music in the background. “When we do get freaky, we love [Robin’s song] ‘Sex Therapy,'” Callou, Alan’s wife of 10 years, told Us. “You have to admit, it’s a great song to get in the mood.”

Thanks to Robin and Tanya, that song is now a great song to get you in the mood to barf your insides out.

Some people like to get off to Marvin Gaye and Alan likes to get off to Robin Thicke. Since he’s into using really cheap imitations for sex tools, I’m sure he uses Dollar Tree lotion instead of lube and drinks Taco Bell Fly instead of Spanish Fly.

And of course, Robin Thicke had something to say about this:

Since they’re both gross, I bet Robin Thicke puts on his dad’s song “Hot and Sweaty” when he wants to get sexy. Me too, actually.

A Jury Declared That Robin Thicke And Pharrell Williams Ripped Off Marvin Gaye

The Los Angeles Times says that a jury in L.A. declared that Robin Thicke and Pharrell Williams totally ripped Marvin Gaye off. They awarded Marvin Gaye’s family nearly $7.4 million. And just like that,  Sara Bareilles picked up the phone to call her lawyers.

Almost immediately after “Blurred Lines” came out and terrorized our ear holes, Marvin Gaye’s family thought it sounded just like “Got To Give It Up” and they publicly called out Robin and Pharrell for pulling some copy + paste shit. Robin Thicke preemptively sued Marvin Gaye’s family for wrongly claiming copyright. Alan Thicke’s high-pitched tampon of a son claimed that he was inspired by “Got To Give It Up,” but didn’t copy it. Pharrell also defended “Blurred Lines” (because DUH) and said that it was totally different than Marin Gaye’s 1977 hit. Marvin Gaye’s family countersued.

During a deposition last year, Robin claimed he was jacked-up on Vicodin and the sweet nectar for most of 2013 and so Pharrell wrote most of “Blurred Lines” by himself. When all else fails, claim you were too fucked up to function and blame the guy in the Arby’s hat. A judge ruled that there was enough evidence to take it to trial and the trial started last month. During the trial, the jury heard from several experts and both Robin and Pharrell testified. The jury also learned that the song put $5.6 million into Robin’s checking account, $5.2 million into Pharrell’s checking account and millions more went to the recording company.

T.I. was also named in the lawsuit, because he raps in “Blurred Lines,” but the jury declared that he was not responsible for any copyright infringement. That’s good news for Tiny, because she’s going to need that money for surgery when those wolf iris implants start eating her eyeballs.

Here’s a comparison of the two songs:

Marvin’s daughter Nona Gaye told reporters outside of the court house that she’s finally happy to be done with Pharrell and Robin’s lies:

“Right now, I feel free. Free from Pharrell Williams and Robin Thicke’s chains and what they tried to keep on us and the lies that were told.”

The family’s attorney will file papers to stop all future sales of “Blurred Lines.”

I’m happy for Marvin Gaye’s family and all, but the State of California really fucked up on this one. Right before the jury came to a decision, they should’ve quickly passed a law stating that if you’re a certified douche named Robin Charles Thicke and you’re found guilty of grand theft song thieving in a civil suit, you will also be punished with life in prison without the possibility of parole. The state really missed a good opportunity.

And here’s Pharrell and Robin, who is looking douchier than usual, leaving the court house in L.A. after testifying last week.

Paula Patton Finally Files For Divorce From Robin Thicke

After many many months of trying to get her go get her go get her go get her back, it looks like Robin Thicke can finally call the 1-800-GOT-JUNK guys to come and pick up the hundreds of boxes of unsold Paula albums in his garage and take them to the dump where they belong, because his wife has officially gone from “estranged” to “fuck this, I’m out”.

According to People, Robin’s former bottom bitch and the mother of his child Paula Patton filed for divorce on October 3rd in Los Angeles. She cited – YOU GUESSED IT – ‘irreconcilable differences’ as the reason, and is asking for joint custody of their 4-year-old son Julian. Although I heard (no I didn’t) that Paula simply walked into the Los Angeles County divorce court offices, threw down a copy of Paula, and said “This. This is why. Write that as the reason.”

Well, he tried. Not everybody tries to win back their estranged wife by releasing a shitty thrown-together album of stalker-sounding love songs in a shameless attempt to profit off of your break-up and convince the public you’re not a douche-dipped pussy hound. And by ‘tried’, I mean he tried to profit off of it. What did Paula make, $876.42 worldwide? That’s like an hour in the VIP room at Clitter Shakers and a round of antibiotics at the STD clinic. You done good, Robin!

I’m sure Robin is taking this divorce news pretty hard (“Oh yeah, so hard” – says Robin, as his penis cries into hooker pussy), so I suggest Papa Alan try to cheer him up! Maybe throw on the Growing Pains theme and treat him to a lap dance from a stripper that looks like Joanna Kerns. “Show me that smile agaaaaain…“