Robin Thicke Admits He Was A Drunk Pilled-Up Mess For Most Of 2013

Drug-resistant yeast infection Robin Thicke is currently in the middle of some legal shit with Marvin Gaye’s family because they claim he and dick-hatted singing rat Pharrell ripped off Marvin’s song “Got To Give It Up” for 2013’s douche anthem “Blurred Lines”. Robin and Pharrell gave their deposition way back in April, but they were kept sealed until this morning, when they were brought out in a Los Angeles court. According to The Hollywood Reporter (via Radar), it all began when lawyers for Marvin’s family brought up a quote Alan’s sleazy son gave to GQ last year where he pretty much admits that “Blurred Lines” is the cheap Chinatown knock-off of Marvin’s “Got To Give It Up”:

“Pharrell and I were in the studio and I told him that one of my favorite songs of all time was Marvin Gaye’s ‘Got to Give It Up.’ I was like, ‘Damn, we should make something like that, something with that groove.’ Then he started playing a little something and we literally wrote the song in about a half hour and recorded it.”

When lawyers remind Robin that he said this shit, Robin claims he only said what he said because he was jealous that Pharrell was going to get all the credit for the massive success of “Blurred Lines”, so he exaggerated how much involvement he actually had in the making of it. Which, according to Robin, was zero involvement, because was a Lindsay Lohan-level of coherent when they were in the studio making it.

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Paula Patton Reappeared Last Night Wearing The Slut Dress’ Spinster Aunt

Paula Patton popped up in public last night at an Emmys party wearing a demure version of the famed forever Slut Dress. Yes, this is basically the Slut Dress’ aunt. She’s the one who travels everywhere with the Slut Dress’ grandmother and has crotched (ooo, I get to type “typo and it stays!”) covers for her Iris Murdoch and Maeve Binchy novels.

If it’s possible, the Amazonian Paula led with her ass last night. I’m not gonna shade her because I saw how she beat the shit out of that little French girl in Mission Impossible 16 or whatever. Chick’s a brute.

According to the NY Daily News, Patton hasn’t been seen since the Vanity Fair Oscars party back in March, which was only days after the announcement that she had left her human roofie of a husband, Robin Thicke. She’s stayed undercover since then, probably burning all of her old clothes. Cuz’ you know whenever Thicke had a trick over she was trying on Paula’s dresses à la crazed Kate Mara hatin’ Robin Wright in House of Cards.

Check out pics of Paula Patton keeping it classy AND assy last night at Craig’s Restaurant in the gallery below.

Pics: Splash

Robin Thicke’s Marriage Is Pretty Much Dunzo

Poor lovelorn d-bag Robin Thicke. According to TMZ, releasing a serial killer-y album full of stalker ballads that sold all of 50 copies hasn’t won back the affections of his estranged wife Paula Patton like he thought it would. I know, I’m shocked too; who of us wouldn’t swoon to the moon and back if the human equivalent of gonorrhea wrote you a bunch of songs that sound like a 15-year-old’s crappy LiveJournal poetry?

A source (Alan Thicke’s magic talking penis) tells TMZ that Robin has put their house up for sale and hired an attorney to split up their assets. Paula hasn’t lived in the house since February, but neither she nor Robin have hired a divorce lawyer yet. You hear that Robin? She doesn’t have a divorce lawyer yet! Quick, start recording a follow-up to Paula called Paula Don’t Call Trope and Trope!

Obviously this could all be just another jenga block in the publicity stunt pyramid Robin and Paula have been building since he was photographed with his hand up a skank’s ass, but I think he’s actually selling his house because he was probably having a tough time getting laid. Most true-blue sluts have a sixth sense for detecting the presence of a bottom bitch in the atmosphere (usually by way of a tingle in their pussy or gag reflex). So every time Robin brought a new blonde trick home, they no doubt would freeze upon entry, put their hand to their pussy like a slutty psychic and ask “Did a wife or a long-term girlfriend used to live here? I’m sensing drama. I should go.”  

Robin Thicke’s Album Is Doing Really Well In Australia

Why do I have a feeling that the ivory key he’s tickling in that picture doesn’t belong to the piano?

To promote his embarrassing album of songs dedicated to getting his wife Paula Patton back, Robin Thicke continued to show us that dignity is no friend of his by talking about his love for her in interview after interview. Robin Thicke re-defining “pathetic” while whoring out his album really paid off and by that I mean it didn’t pay off at all. In its first week of sales, Paula sold 24,000 copies in the US, 530 copies in the UK, 550 copies in Canada and less than 54 COPIES in Australia. It has gone triple used condom worldwide! News.com.au says that the album that has given stalkers motivation to be more stalker-ey didn’t even crack the Top 500 in Australia and a Blondie compilation album, which came in at #500, sold 54 copies. So Robin’s album sold less than that. Sales outside of the Top 500 aren’t registered, so Robin’s album could’ve sold 1 copy in Australia for all we know. Robin’s Blurred Lines album debuted at No. 1 in Australia and sold 117,000 copies in its first week in the US.

To put Paula’s numbers into perspective, Alan Thicke’s “Sweaty And Hot” sold 89 copies in Bulgaria last week and it hasn’t dropped out of the Top 10 there since its debut in 1998. (Okay, I made that up, but I’m probably not lying.)

But my question is, if that stalker mess of an album sold 54 copies in Australia, who were the 54 people who actually bought it? If you tracked down who bought that album, you’d find 54 Australians who need serious psychological help, because they obviously don’t love themselves and are looking for horrific ways to harm themselves. HELP THEM! Or you’d find 54 medical professionals who are using it to treat comatose patients. Because studies show that if you play Paula for comatose patients, there’s a 100% chance that they’ll wake up to cringe.

Robin Thicke Hasn’t Seen Paula Patton In Four Months

I know, it’s weird seeing Robin Thicke’s fingers when they’re not up his side piece’s cooze.

After getting beautifully trolled by Twitter, Alan Thicke’s son took his ass to Ebro in the Morning on New York’s Hot97 (Side note: They should’ve temporarily changed the name to Ebola in the Morning when Robin Thicke was on) to push the creepy album of “get Paula back” songs that Paula Patton could use against him to get a restraining order if she wasn’t in on it since more publicity equals more cash. The Summer’s Eve lothario, who has aired all of his douche laundry in an album that’s predicted to flop, says that he’s trying to keep most of his break-up with Paula private, but then he said that he hasn’t seen her face in person for months.

“I try to keep most of that private, but, I haven’t seen her for four months. If you’ve been together that long, you kinda became adults together instead of being adults and then meeting. But maybe a year or two off, we’ll become our own people without each other and then it will be meant to be.”

I don’t think Robin is telling the whole truth. If the break-up isn’t one big, giant PR stunt orchestrated by the both of them and Paula really doesn’t want to be with him, then I bet he has seen her plenty of times in the past four months even though she hasn’t seen him. I’m sure Robin sneaks into her house in the middle of the night and after he watches her sleep and smells her breath, he jacks off into her panty drawer while silently weeping. I think he wrote a song about that. Speaking of songs, Robin says that Paula hasn’t heard all of them:

“She hasn’t heard [the album],” the crooner admitted. “She’s only heard a few songs. I don’t think she wants to hear it right now. I can’t speak for her, but I think space is an important part of any healing process. She’s the best girl in the world, a great mother, and still a good friend. I want to wish her well and let her know that she’s a great person and she deserves to have a good life… She was my rock… Everything we have right now, we built together.”

And Robin says that their marriage didn’t die because his wandering dick blew the lid off of their open marriage ways:

“[Cheating] is not why we’re apart. We’re apart because we just couldn’t be together anymore for a while. There’s a hundred different reasons, there isn’t just one. There’s a long list… I changed, and I got a little too selfish, a little too greedy, and little too full of myself.”

Yes, Robin is really showing that he’s shed his doucheness, because nothing says “unselfish” like putting out an album full of creepy stalker songs about your ex and then talking about your ex in interview after interview to sell as many copies of said creepy album as possible. Robin has totally changed! Robin is no longer a douche (but that vinegar and dead wildflowers odor that wafts up out of your twat every time you see his face tells you otherwise).

And here’s the video for one of Robin’s creepy songs. Yes, Robin brought the children into it, but I’m just glad that he dressed them in outfits from the J. Crew bridal catalog instead of making them wear what the Blurred Lines chicks wore, or didn’t wear. At least he’s showing SOME restraint.

via UsWeekly 

Happy Canada Day! Twitter Shits On Robin Thicke

When Robin’s thumb goes up, the b-holes of blonde club tricks cringe.

Canadian-American anal fissure Robin Thicke (yes, Canada, we’re only claiming half of him) is out there whoring that album he made to get Paula Patton back (aka the album he made after he and Paula Patton decided to fake break-up and use that fake break-up to sell an entire album of “get back” songs. They’ll follow it up with a “reunion album” and hopefully they follow that album up with an album full of the cries and screams they’ll let out when the earth swallows them whole, because it’s sick of their shit). To whore out his STUNT QUEEN album, Robin is doing a Q&A on Twitter today and yesterday, Vh1, asked hos to submit their questions to the half-melted suppository in aviators to #AskThicke. It’s not going well for Vh1, but it’s going SO WELL for all of us.

Just like the beautiful #AskDraya fiasco, Twitter took #AskThicke, wiped their assholes with it and immediately gave it back to Robin. They asked Robin about his rapey lyrics, his stalking of Paula Patton and what it’s like being the human equivalent of a tampon dipped in AXE. Twitter abused the fuck out of him, but honestly, he was asking for it and it would’ve never happened if he didn’t dress like a slut.

Some of the greatest hits of #AskThicke are after the jump and I fell into a coffin at the Ken Doll one. What a wonderful Canada Day gift!  Continue reading