Princess Charlene Of Monaco Gave Birth To Royal Twins

That double “Ugh, I don’t even want to look at him/her” side-eye is the visual definition of a loving and healthy marriage!

The Royal Palace of Monaco released a statement today saying that 36-year-old Princess Charlene and 56-year-old Prince Pierced Peen are now parents to a boy and a girl. One of life’s important rules is that if you give birth to a twin girl and a twin boy you must name them Brenda and Brandon. Prison Princess and Prince Pierced Peen broke that rule of life by naming their girl Gabriella Thérèse Marie and their boy Jacques Honoré Rainier.

Prince Albert has two other kids (that we know of), but since he made those kids with women he wasn’t married to, they have no claim to the throne. They’re the lucky ones if you ask me. When you’re in direct line to the throne, you’re expected to have a royal stick up your ass and you have to act prim and proper all the time. Only crazies want that. When you’re not in line to the throne, you can be an out and proud mess and get your booze money by selling stories about your relatives to the tabloids. That is the life. But then again, being in direct line to the throne didn’t stop Prince Albert from being a trashy mess.

The girl twin, who has been given the title of Countess of Carladès, was born first at 5:04pm. The boy twin, who has been given the title of Marquis of Baux, was born second at 5:06pm. Even though Gabriella won the race out of the womb, she’s not first in line for succession. Jaques will be the future ruler of Monaco, because the country hasn’t changed their “boys rule, girls drool” law yet.

The palace squeezed out this highly detailed and lengthy statement:

“It is with immense joy that TT.SS.HH the Prince and Princess of Monaco have the great pleasure to announce the birth of their children.”

Congratulations to Princess Charlene! It’s one of the happiest days of her life. Her job is done! Not only did she birth out twins, but now she doesn’t have to get turkey basted anymore and she doesn’t have to let Prince Albert lay his naked, slimy blobfish body on hers anymore. If you’re in Monaco, you should hold onto something sturdy, because Princess Charlene will bust out a genuine smile for the first time in years and it will make the earth shake.

Princess Charlene Of Monaco Is Knocked Up With An Heir

In that picture, I don’t know if Princess Charlene is suffering through the morning pregnant barfs or if she’s thinking about the moment that Prince Albert’s naked, greasy, coke sweats-covered bloated body busted nuts all up into her baby making parts. Definitely the latter.

Princess Charlene’s ovaries are finally breathing out ten sighs of relief, because after of years of being pressured to successfully catch one of Prince Albert’s sperm fish, they finally did it. The Royal Family of Monaco announced today that Prison Princess has got the future king or queen of Monaco in her womb. Now she’ll forever be bonded to the balding captor she’s obviously grossed out by. She’s totally living the fairy tale dream! Here’s the short statement from the royal palace:

“Prince Albert and Princess Charlene have the immense joy to announce they are expecting a happy event. The birth is due at the end of the year.”

I’m not sure I’d use the words “immense joy” to describe Princess Charlene bawling into her pink satin pillow in her locked bedchamber, but whatever.

Oh, I’m just being melodramatic as always. I’m sure Princess Charlene is “happy-ish,” because: a) She used a turkey baster since Prince Albert was off doing more important things and by that I mean doing call girls and; b) Right after she births out the heir to the throne, she plans to drug a nurse, steal the nurse’s uniform and passport and flee the country.

Congratulations to the happy-esque couple!

Here’s Princess Charlene looking absolutely thrilled as always with Prince Pierced Peen at the Monaco Grand Prix and Gala.

Pics: Splash

Princess Charlene Of Monaco Showed Up To The Swedish Royal Wedding By Herself

Princess Madeleine of Sweden married American peasant Christopher O’Neill in a lavish (Note: Anybody who writes about a royal wedding is required to use the word “lavish” when describing said royal wedding or they will be sent to the guillotine.) wedding that brought out several royals of the world (not including Prince Hot Ginge, the Duchess of Alba and the Empress of Lucite Shauna Sand). There were so many tiaras and sashes that it looked like man night at the Scientology Centre (or like another one of Mimi’s vow renewal ceremonies at Disneyland). One of the royals who came out for the open bar was Princess Charlene of Monaco. She showed up without her captor/husband Prince Pierced Dick.

Prince Albert couldn’t make it because he was busy attending to official royal business like stuffing his mouth with call girl pussy. I don’t even think Princess Charlene forwarded him the Evite because his loud snoring would totally distract her while she’s trying to hump on her side piece in the same hotel suite. (Nothing dries a pussy up like a snoring Prince Albert.) So she went to Stockholm alone!

People says that Princess Madeleine wore a dress by H&M, catering was provided by the Ikea cafeteria, the wedding cake was made by The Swedish Chef from from The Muppet Show and an ABBA cover band performed at the reception. No, none of that is fact. The truth is she wore a dress by Valentino and guests sucked Swedish Fish off of Alexander Skarsgard’s naked body.

Like A Flaming Golden Unicorn Sent From The Heavens

Don’t be worried about that tingly moistness you feel in your nipple area. You just secreted gold glitter from seeing Tilda Swinton and Tom Hiddleston together in one place. It happens to everyone. Tilda and Tom posed with Jim Jarmusch (looking like a silver Wolverine) and John Hurt at the premiere of Only Lovers Left Alive at Cannes.

In that shit, Tom and Tilda play two vampires, Adam and Eve, who have been in love for centuries. Just picturing Tom and Tilda making vampire love together made you secrete more gold glitter, right? I bet their sex scenes look like two pink albino lizards gnawing at each other while lying on a pile of swan feathers.

And I don’t smoke cigarettes, but I wish I did just so I could light a Virginia Slim on the white flame on Tilda’s head.

Laugh To Keep From Crying For Help: The Prince Albert & Princess Charlene Interview

Prince Albert of Monaco and his imprisoned, contract wife Princess Charlene sat down for an interview with CBS This Morning and it’s exactly the kind of interview you’d expect from a couple who never fuck, can’t stand each other and are only together for image purposes. “Awwww, memories” said Katie Holmes.

When Holly Williams asks Princess Charlene how she’s enjoying married life, she nervously and awkwardly laughs before letting out some canned answer. If you put a microscope up to that laugh, you’d see the words “HELP ME! OR AT LEAST GIVE ME A STRONG ROPE SO I CAN HANG MYSELF FROM THAT BOOM MIC!” encoded into it. At one point, Prince Pierced Peen calls a time out on the interview while Princess Charlene wishes she can call a time out on her life. Princess Charlene is then asked what qualities drew her to Prince Albert and again, she laughs to keep from saying that it wasn’t a quality that pushed her into the arms of her husband, it was a pistol pointed at her back by an armed guard. An interview between John Travolta’s hungry hole and a vagina would be less awkward than this. It’s a mess.

As Lainey points out, Princess Charlene only looks happy when she’s laying her eyes on the hot swimmers. When she’s with Prince Pierced Peen, who really does look like a pierced penis head (swollen and confused), she looks like she’s trying to find a door or window that isn’t locked. If this icy interview came in cube form, you could use it to make the vodka on the rocks you’ll need to down to get through this bizarre as all hell conversation.

Princess Stephanie’s “This Is Not Going To End Well” Side-Eye Says It All

Or maybe that’s a “Shit, I left the 8-ball in my other clutch!” side-eye.

While the likes of Shirley Bassey and Victoria Silvstedt rolled their eye balls, Prince Albert and his prisoner bride Princess Charlene held court at Monaco’s Red Cross Ball on Friday night, which also looked like a competition between the ladies on who could show up in the shittiest gown that was purged from the asshole of a Windsor Fashions (SPOILER ALERT: Charlene wins!).

Never mind that Charlene’s gown looks like it has weights at the bottom so she can’t run when her warden husband isn’t looking, she’s getting a lot better at faking it in the face. Sure, most of the time Charlene has the same look on her face as a lesbian would have if she had to put her mouth on a soft dick, but at least she’s trying. In some of the pictures, she doesn’t totally look like a string of vomit is rubbing against her tonsils as her eyes silently sing “fuuuuuck myyyyyyyy liiiiiife” on a loop. Spending her days studying Stepford Katie’s manufactured smile has paid off, because Princess Charlene’s acting is getting better.

But if I was Princess Charlene, I wouldn’t be wasting my time with studying Katie’s smile or attending stupid ass balls. I’d be trying to fill my uterus with an heir. I’d command all of Prince Albert’s paid whores (both male and female) to lie down in a line. Then one by one, I’d squat over their mouths and tell them to cough hard, hoping that some of Prince Albert’s cum mist gets in there and knocks me up. The faster Charlene gets knocked up, the faster her shackles get cut off and she can collect that check (I think).