Presenting The Royal Twins Of Monaco

December 24, 2014 / Posted by:

Princess Charlene is my family members, because after spending two whole days with me for Christmas, they’ll have the same exhausted “forcing a fake smile to hide how over it I am” look on their faces.

That baby prince in blue is me, because after spending two whole days with my family, I’ll be as stoned as he looks in that picture.

And no, I can’t with Prince Albert matching the tree.

Two weeks ago, Princess Charlene did the Carlton Dance of victory when she birthed out twins, because she fulfilled her job requirement, had two babies and no longer has to get shot up with a turkey baster full of Prince Albert’s man chowder. Princess Charlene and Prince Pierced Peen released the first pictures of their newborn twins, Princess Gabrielle and the future king Prince Jacques, and she looks like she’s going through it. And Hayden Pantyairs thinks she’s turned out, put out and in a constant state of confusion? Look at Princess Charlene. But I guess all of us would look that exhausted too if twins were pulled out of our body and we couldn’t even piss without a royal guard escorting us to the toilet because the royal family is afraid we’ll pull some Not Without My Daughter shit by smuggling our children out of the country.

Prince Pierced Peen tells Paris Match (via People) that he was in the delivery room during the birth of his third and fourth child:

“I was present in the operating room and assisted at their birth. I helped my wife as I could – that’s to say, by my presence. It was wonderful. I don’t have the words to describe how it felt then or the deep joy I feel now. Having children – and twins at that – is an extraordinary experience. It’s unique. And it’s a challenge for us as parents.”

That’s one way of saying, “I was in a hotel room miles away snorting blow off of a call girl’s cooch lips, but I checked in through Skype once.

No, they are one big, happy royal family. Just look at Princess Charlene’s smile!


The twins will officially be presented to the people of Monaco (yes, that’s a thing that happens today in real-life) on January 7th. I can’t wait to see if they’re going to show Baby Prince George up in the lace gown game. If you want to see more pictures of these newborns looking like newborns, click here and here.

Pics: Paris Match/Getty

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