And Now For Hayden Panettiere’s Description Of Her Body After Giving Birth

December 24, 2014 / Posted by:

What better way to celebrate the night Santa pushes a 200lb bag of presents down your tiny-ass chimney than by talking about miniature dollhouse human Hayden Panettiere pushing her giant fiance Wladimir Klitschko’s baby out of her small person parts. Merry Christmas! It’s time to talk about wrecked pussies! During an interview with People about her new baby Kaya, 5-feet-tall Hayden confessed that she’s still getting used to her body ever since it pushed out a 7lb, 14oz 20-inch-long baby almost two weeks ago:

“I’m limping around. I’m still trying to figure out what [pregnancy] has done to my body, how it’s changed it. What’s temporary and what’s permanent. I feel like an 80-year-old woman trying to go down the stairs, you know — please tell me this is temporary! But I know some things will never be the same again.”

You’d think that fucking a giant would have prepared her for pushing out a burrito-sized child from her down-lows, but I guess nothing really prepares your pussy for that. All I know is that the only time I’ve ever come close to ripping apart my lady parts was the time I accidentally used an extra super absorbancy tampon from one of those machines at the mall and it literally felt like I was shoving a rolled-up beach towel up there. That was 6 years ago, and my googe still hasn’t forgiven me. It brings it up all the time. So to say that I’m terrified of the idea of giving birth is an understatement. I was a 10lb baby! And just like that, my vagina hissed “oh, fuck that” and bought a one-way ticket to Tijuana.

And what does it mean if you feel like an 80-year-old woman trying to go down the stairs and you haven’t given birth to a giant baby? Is that something I should be asking my doctor about? Eh, it’s probably fine.

Pic: Wladimir Klitschko

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