Blake Lively Is My Hero

The Sherlock Holmes premiere was last night in NYC, and this is what Blake Lively wore to that shit.

My space heater is on blast, I’ve got two pairs of socks on my feet, a heating pad is shoved up in my crack and I’m still cold. So I have to bow down to Blake Lively for not letting something called “weather” fuck with her tramping it up on the red carpet.

I’m sure Blake’s vagina is blowing steam and her nipples might have already fell off due to frostbite, but WHO CARES! Cameras are flashing and Blake has a show to put on! Don’t let some stupid Snow Miser shit get in the way of you showcasing those chichis!

Other hos, who obviously don’t have Blake’s dedication, at the premiere were: Jude Law, Robert Downey Jr., Rachel McAdams, Guy Ritchie and Rocco Ritchie.

Granny’s Got A Hoe!

A local news crew went to the Cocoa, FL home of a woman who called the police after finding out her 15-year-old daughter was working at a strip club and they were greeted by a rabid memaw with a dangerous hoe! The memaw must have been in the middle of a really good Matlock episode while sipping on a cup of Ovaltine and brandy, because she was not pleased when the reporter knocked on the door! When the memaw noticed there was a camera on her, she attacked that shit with a garden hoe! Yes, she was protecting a stripper with a hoe. This shit writes itself.

Like I’ve said a million times before: abuelitas are not the one! They will grab whatever is in their reach to properly show you that you are in the wrong! Unfortunately for that camera, a garden hoe happened to be the closest object. Granny will hoe a bitch up!

The West Coast has Quween on the Scene, and the East Coast has Granny Garden Hoe! They should join forces. Cameras will quiver in fear!

Kate Moss Did It With A Living Thing

Yeah, usually Kate Moss prefers to fuck on carcasses and zombies, but recently she was caught with one of the dudes from the band The Living Things. While on a trip to Berlin, Kate got close to Eve Berlin. So close in fact that they ended up taking off all their panties.

Eve’s brother Lillian, who is the lead singer of The Living Things, told The Sun, “Walking in on my brother and Kate Moss with their clothes off, that was very awkward. I don’t like to look at my brother naked. Between my brother being naked and seeing Kate Moss naked with my brother, that was very awkward.”

Just for the record, Lillian and Eve were allegedly born with penises. Their original names were Lawrence and Yves, so don’t blame their parents on the reason why they sound like characters Bette Davis has played in movies.

When asked if Kate’s boyfriend, Jamie Hince, knows about her slapping Eve’s peen with her cokey lips, Lillian said, “No comment. What he doesn’t know won’t hurt him.”

Well, Kate just can’t help it. She’s following the rules! You know what they say, “When in Berlin, do a dude named Berlin.”

Why Can’t All Us Hos Get Along?

Stories like this really makes me hurt for my slut people. Listen to this tragic story: 52-year-old Jo Ellen Nolan recently lost her job, so in order to pay her bills, she took a job peddling her saggy nalgas at Club 1245 in Akron, Ohio. Ole’ girl was all ready to make a few bucks so she could take her ass home to a warm compress and a cup of Benefiber, when some trick ass stripper started sassing her!

Jo Ellen said the skank was on her ass, because she didn’t want another ho getting in the way of her money. The argument led to the skank beating Jo Ellen with a stiletto! Jo Ellen was taken to the nearest hospital and treated for wounds to her head. Sadly, that was her last day as a titty merchant. She said, “I’ve learned my lesson. I think I was just being stupid anyway. I just have to go to a temporary service or keep looking for a job. That was just an easy way out and it turned out to be H-E-double-L.”

Police are trying to find the other stripper. The only lead they have is that she goes by the name of “Beautiful.” With a stripper name like that, she’s probably the ugliest bitch in Akron.

Why can’t all us whores stick together as one? When another bitch needs you to hold her hair while she’s sucking cock in the back room of a club, you do that for her. When she has a tampon string hanging out of her cooch and she’s about to shake her shit for a group of creepy ass men, you point that shit out! Times are tough, but you should always help a fellow whore out! Sluts unite!

Source: Fox 8 (Thanks Mia)

Michael Phelps Is Sorry

The stoner of the sea Michael Phelps was on Today this morning to talk about the bong photo Tony the Tiger did not approve of. Phelps apologized. I wish he would quit saying he’s sorry for that shit and instead apologize for those damn grizzly bushbrows. How does he swim with two big ass beavers laying over his eyes (sounds sexy)? Obviously, he needs to light up the bong more. Sooner or later, the flame will shoot up too high and do Phelps a favor by singeing those things off.

Anyineedawakeandbake, Neptune’s son said sowwy to all those he hurt, “It was– really, you know, the people I hurt, you know, is my family, clearly. My friends. The close people around me. And most importantly, the fans. And– and, you know, I realize that that hurt a lot of people.”

The people he “hurt” need to heal their pain with a big bowl of green flakes. It works every time. My “doctor” recommends it!

Phelpsie said when the picture was taken he was just “celebrating” with a small group of people. It wasn’t some big ass college party, but just a small gathering of people who sat around and “celebrated.” I like that. The next time you get baked like a Duncan Hines brownie and a bitch gives you the side-eye, say, “Shut those eyes up, I’m celebrating!” Celebrating the gift of the leaf! That is a reason to celebrate.

The baked dolphin went on to say that he trusted everyone in the room and didn’t think some dumb ass rat would take advantage of him like that, “I trusted my friends who were there about who they were. And clearly they weren’t trusted people… Sometimes you learn the hard way.”

When the picture hit the world, Phelpsie immediately protected his money and called up all his sponsors to apologize. All of them, except for Kelloggs, were cool, but Phelpsie is fine with that. He added, “It’s not about money to me. So, you know, the — the contract side of things, yeah, I was disappointed. But, you know, I think the biggest thing is– is who I hurt the most. Like, if I lost money, okay. It’s not an issue with me.”

Um. He does realize that you need a little green to buy the green? Doesn’t he? Weed doesn’t grow on….oh…wait.

So now that Phelps has apologized yet again, he should put his lips over his bong friend and have a Chico’s kind of day (which involves lots and lots of toking).

VIA OK Magazine!

Nikki Sixx Turns Me On

The next time I should somehow find myself at a Motley Crue concert, I’m so going to throw a bottle of water at Nikki Sixx. Because the shit he would say to me, is the dirty, pornographic crap I like to hear.

At a Motley Crue show in San Diego a couple of weeks ago, Nikki threw a bottle into the audience. Of course, a chick in the audience threw it right back at him and this set Nikki off on a gutter rant.

Nikki pointed out the chick and said, “You think that shit’s funny motherfucker? Suck my dick! Come here! Fuck you.” After the old ass douchebag puffed up his chichis a little more, he went on to yell, “The fact that you’re a fucking whore just means you can suck my dick a little more, bitch. Aw! She’s fucking crying.” I’m fucking crying too. Crying in the no-no from excitement.

If Nikki said that mess to me, I would’ve skipped on stage with knee pads, six Purell dipped condoms, a can of RAID, a gallon of Listerine, a Hazmat crew and a pair of safety glasses (just in case one of his rogue crabs jumped in my eye). I’d be ready to handle business. Don’t threaten me with a good time, Nikki.

Nikki’s rant is at the 1:30 mark in the clip above.

VIA Celebitchy