Is That A Fart Bubble?

No, seriously, is it?? Probably not, but ever since Ryan Lochte admitted to playing the wrong kind of watersports in the pool and Michael Phelps nodded his agreement, I’m obsessed with knowing just where Olympic swimmers draw the bodily function line. Is snot okay?? Of course spit is, but what if there’s a little more than spit going on there? What about jizz? Okay, I’ll stop there and yes I’ve given this way too much thought and I didn’t want to take that terrifying journey alone so I forced you all along. You’re welcome.

The actual point to this post – yes, there really is a point – is to show you sluts Louis Vuitton’s latest ad, featuring THE MEDAL WINNINGEST OLYMPIAN OF ALL TIMEZ (USA!!!). The ad (from E!) shows Phelps soaking in his Speedos like we all do in the tub and not giving a fuck (a fart quite possibly, but not a fuck) if his super rich retiring AT 27 ass splashes bath water all over his LV duffle bag.

And when MK sent me this link, he said “They should have put the bag over his head instead.” *sigh* MK always says it better!

But What Does Debbie Phelps Say?

Here’s Poseidon’s stoner son and 600orwhatever-time Olympic medalist Michael Phelps at a Speedo party in London tonight with the piece he’s doing the frontstroke with on a full-time basis. For the past 5 months, Michael has been dating Los Angeles-based “aspiring model” (aka cocktail waitress who has a diploma from John Robert Powers) Megan Rossee. 25-year-old Megan is in London with Michael and she’s been tweeting all about it all week. Both Hollyscoop and E! say that Megan and Michael started bumping nipples earlier this year, but shit got really real right before the Olympics started. Megan wants to be a model, but she pays her bills by serving cocktails at Blok in Hollywood. Megan’s friends say that Michael wants her to quit her job so they can travel the world together on his dime, but Michael’s friends say that Megan is nothing but a wallet-humping, fame-hungry, heartbreaking trick. One source type close to Michael said this to Radar:

“Michael is like a puppy dog around Megan – he’s completely in love with her. However, like any young girl hoping to make it in Hollywood, she’s ambitious and knows that by associating herself with Michael she will get a lot of press herself. She’s desperate for her own fame – her career has been a slow-burner but this will certainly accelerate it.

Megan supplements the little money she makes through modeling by working as a cocktail waitress at Blok nightclub – but neither she nor Michael want her doing that forever. Now that people know who she is, Megan is hoping that she will get more offers for photoshoots and her modeling and acting career will finally take off,” the source revealed. He took her to the Olympics at a time when he was trying to become the most decorated Olympian of all time – that’s how much she means to him,” an insider divulged.

Michael adores everything about Megan, she’s athletic, makes him laugh and she’s obviously drop dead gorgeous. But what happens when the buzz of the Olympics dies down and life goes back to normal? Will she want to date a retired swimmer?”

Will she want to date a retired swimmer? What the hell kind of GD question is that? We’d all date a retired swimmer if every time we licked his ass a $100 bill fell out. But seriously, don’t you just hate friends. Friends always have to be assholes and get in the way of true love, and by true love I mean letting a gold digger do her life’s work. If this Megan ho is a certified gold digger and sucks on Michael Phelp’s Timmy the Tooth-looking face with the lights on, then I say give her all the gold medals, because bitch paid her dues. Besides if she is a gold digger, Debbie Phelps will sniff her out and put Megan out in the dumpster with last season’s Chico blazers. Debbie don’t play.

Michael Phelps Brings His Fuzz To Las Vegas

It must be off-season for eleventy-time Olympic gold medalist Michael Phelps, because he has put down the waxing strips and is letting his face grow a field of fuzz usually seen on a beaver’s ass. Not to mention that his chest is almost as randomly hairy as the top of John Travolta’s natural head (that little comparison was just the ass twitch John Travolta needed today).

Chico’s adopted son was at the Encore Beach Club in Las Vegas yesterday to kick off their “Not Hot Chicks with Douchebags” pool party. Yes, because standing in a pool filled with chlorine, douchebag piss and pubes of all colors is definitely a party! I’m not being sarcastic.

The Return Of The VADGE!!!!

Lady Caca can have the silicone Klingon wishbones on her forehead, but the original Madonna is showing her how to keep it simply elegant by lifting, separating and stuffing her 52-year-old labia into a one-piece that a trampy granny wears when the plumber comes to visit. MONA ROBINSON, eat this!

This is the kind of hot outfit that Blanche Devereaux wore to give a dying lover his last rites, among other things. And Vadge pairing it with a vest made of Baby Jesus’ conditioned nut hairs was a good move.

Here’s more of Madge bringing her vadge out of hibernation and flashing her first-degree Joan Rivers face with Lourdes at Vanity Fair’s post-Oscar party last night. And the Miss Cleo in me can read your thoughts. Why would Lourdes be embarrassed? Just like us, she’s used to her mom dressing like a horny old ho.

What In The Nasty Girl Roofie Hell Is This?

Kiely Williams, a former member of 3LW and the Cheetah Girls, is desperately trying to shed her squeaky clean Disney imagine by taking ho shit to the extreme.

The beginning of Kiely’s song “Spectucular” has all the makings of an official theme song for Dlisted (e.g. “Last I remember I was face down, ass up, clothes off, broke off“). I know you’re shaking your head like: “Yup, been there and already told it to the priest in confession.”

But then Kiely takes a sharp right down date rape alley, and that’s when things get uncomfortable (e.g. “I think he pulled a track out when he was blowing my back out! What was I drinking? I can’t believe I blacked out…I must have been on drugs…I hope he used a rubber or Imma be in trouble. Promise I don’t remember, except for rolling over”). Seriously, this song should come with a rape kit.

Dlisted is still in search of a theme song, but the makers of GHB just found theirs!

And the video. THE VIDEO! This bottom of the barrel shit looks it was made using clips from police surveillance footage of a prostitution stakeout in Jersey City, a karaoke video for a 2 Live Crew song and re-enactment scenes from a Dateline NBC special on date rape.

via ONTD

The Next Time You Have Sex In The Middle Of A Busy Road…..

……make sure to smile a money shot smile and perk your titties up, because there’s a good chance a motorist could be taking your picture! And your mother would be so upset if you were caught on camera not smiling.

The Sun says that German police want to arrest the romantic couple above for doing sexy times in the middle of a busy road in Krefeld, West Germany. One motorist said that the two bumped fupas for almost 10 minutes. A local cab driver added, “I nearly crashed my cab, it’s not something you see every day in the middle of the road.”

The cab driver obviously never drives by Gerard Butler’s house, because this is an hourly occurrence over there.

If the police really want to find these road whores, all they need to do is check the nearest buffet or ask the local clinic if a dude with chaffed nalgas and gravel bits stuck in his asshole came in for treatment.