Category: North West
Only Kanye West Could Be Grumpy About Going To The Waffle House
As a Canadian person, I never knew the greasy joy that is going to the Waffle House half-drunk on a Saturday night. We don’t have Waffle Houses up here (and please don’t ask if we have Waffle Igloos, because I really wish we did), so when I finally did get a chance to go to one, it was one of the best moments of my life. Yes, I cried. I cried sweet syrupy tears of happiness. Meanwhile, Eeyore’s cousin Kanye West goes to the Waffle House and sits there like a grumpy toddler who was just told “no more juice”.
Kanye decided to make a surprise appearance at Rihanna’s DirecTV pre-Super Bowl party in Phoenix last night, and of course he brought his life-size Barbie Kim Kardashian with him, because it’s not like one of them needs to stay home and look after the kid or anything. After the show, they decided to go to a Waffle House with John Legend and Chrissy Teigen, who look like they just came from an adult prom, and that’s when Kanye morphed into Grumpy Cat’s asshole.
Kanye is such a difficult bitch. He is totally that friend who gets all mopey in the car because he wanted IHOP and everyone else voted for Waffle House. Then when they get to Waffle House, he throws a mini-tantrum because they don’t have butter pecan syrup and orders “just water, I guess” while everyone else gets ready to mouth-fuck an All-Star Special.
Speaking of ‘the kid’, Kim made sure to remind us/herself that she’s still somebody’s mother by Instagramming a couple pics with North West before she left.
Kanye West Is All Grown Up Now
It must be Asshole Redemption Week on Ellen. You’re up next, Charlie Sheen.
Kanye West was on Ellen today to do two things: Show his video for “Only One” and suck on Adidas’ ass lips skin while talking about his deal with them. Between doing that, Kanye talked about his past asshole-ish behavior and he also changed the world by actually smiling! I bet the people in every old castle painting on the planet are smiling too. Kanye told Ellen that one thing he’s learned while being married is how to shut up. Being around a Kardashian will do that to you. They are always talking and nearly everything they say makes you want to barf, so you have to keep your lips firmly shut or you’ll vomit all the time.
Kanye West Reportedly Spent $74,000 On Christmas Presents For North West
Meanwhile, at the PIMP Kompound (it’s where Kim Kardashian likes to store her in between Pretty Mommy photo ops) North West is interrogating 2 of her 10 nannies as to who is this strange man named Kanye West who would spend $74,000 on her. “He’s who? My dad? Get out! Really? I have a mom AND a dad? I wonder when I’ll get to see them?”
According to Heat magazine (via Radar), Kim’s current husband Kanye Kardashian has spend $74,000 on Christmas gifts for their 18-month-old daughter North. Yes, seventy-four thousands of dollars. For a baby. Just one more reminder that we live on a garbage planet filled with garbage people. Kanye reportedly bought her a $62,000 diamond tiara and a $12,000 baby-sized car, both very practical gifts for a child who no doubt spends her days mashing soggy Goldfish crackers into the rug and trying to figure out what sound the cow makes. Apparently, Kanye got North an expensive-ass diamond tiara so that when she played dress-up, she could be a real princess, and he got her the car because it’s an exact replica of his. As if she would even know – the only car North has been in is the one she rides in every two weeks that takes her to and from pap appointments with her mom.
Obviously letting a baby play with $62,000 worth of diamonds is a next-level dumb idea, but I can’t throw any side-eye to that $12,000 baby-sized car. When I was a kid, I wanted nothing more than a red Power Wheels Jeep, and I would have sold my entire collection of footless Barbies to get one (I chewed all the feet off my Barbies, which probably says a lot about me than I care to know). So yeah, am I jealous that North West got a baby car that’s more expensive than my adult car? Absolutely. The only thing better than a grown-up car is a battery-powered car you can ride through the house.
Well, That’s One Way To Guarantee Yourself A Second Vogue Cover
Because Halloween is nothing if not a perfect opportunity to use your daughter as a prop in hopes of scoring brownie points with the fashion world, mother of the decade Kim Kardashian pulled her favorite fashion accessory out of the skunk costume she was originally wearing (skunks are so 5 minutes ago) and threw on a black satin throw pillow cover so that North West could be the André Leon Talley to her Anna Wintour. Kim’s partners in blatant kiss-assery are her makeup artist and her son, who look about as thrilled as North West to be dressed as Grace Coddington and Karl Lagerfeld. Not pictured: Kim’s current husband Kanye West, who was dressed as the most important fashion designer of all time, Kanye West.
Those poor babies – they want nothing to do with this mess! That Karl baby appears to be making a break for it (good for you, Baby Karl!), and you know North would do the same if it weren’t for Kim klutching on to her with that klassic Kardashian iron pimp grip. Even Kim’s friend appears to be going to her happy place. But Kim is living for that Anna Wintour costume, which is crazy because this has got to be the first Halloween in hooker history that she hasn’t worn something that shows off every inch of her silicone-stuffed ass.
Oh wait. It appears I spoke too soon.
Of course Kim couldn’t go a whole Halloween without stuffing 30lbs of ass into 5lbs of spandex. Shortly after Kim got a good picture of herself dressed up as the editor-in-chief of VOGUE for Instagram, she handed North off to the nannies and got her Slutoween on by dressing up as a dead-eyed hooker skeleton. Only Kim could make a skeleton costume look skanky. But her costume does make total sense – Kim is famous for getting boned, after all.
Pics: Instagram
Kim Kardashian Says She’d Like It If North West Took Over The Family Business One Day
Don’t worry guys, she means the family fashion business. I know, I got nervous for a second there too.
Even though North West is barely 16 months old, it sounds like Kim Kardashian has already started planning out how she will click-clack make that money. Kim has stated in the past that she expects North to work like she had to growing up (cut to teenage Kim fishing quarters out of the fountain at the Beverly Center and dropping them into a jar marked “KIMBERLY’S BUTT FUND”), but recently she told ITN (via The Daily Mail) that she hopes that North will follow in her footsteps and become a fashion designer. This just in: Kim thinks her job is ‘fashion designer’. When asked if she’d ever consider letting her favorite fashion accessory design some hooker-looking clothes for TRASH by Kim Kardashian (or whatever the hell it’s called), Kim answered:
“I would if she has good style, she’d have to prove herself. She’d have to show me that she wants to work, but that would be in years and years and years. So we have some time. I hope the collection grows until then and maybe one day she can take over.”
I know Kim hopes her klothing kollekshun grows into a too-tight cheap n’ tacky empire by the time North is old enough to start working, but North is no dummy (I’ve seen that “Hooker, PLEASE” look on her face every time she’s photographed with her mother). I’m sure North is hoping that years and years from now, there will be a worldwide drought of cheap polyester and her mom’s klothing line will go out of business. Then she can go into the other family business: mass-producing next-level glamour with Grampa Bruce.
Here’s North’s mom (looking like a cross between The Incredible Mr. Limpet and a Real Doll) and North’s dad on their way to a tech conference in San Francisco yesterday. Yes, someone hired The Human Butt to speak at a tech conference. I guess the Dancing Baby had a previous commitment.
Pics: Splash
Kim Kartrashian Expects North West To “Work” Like She Did
Kim Kartrashian was born with a silver spoon in her mouth and decades later that silver spoon was replaced with Ray-J’s boomerang peen, which made her family of fame whores even richer and worldwide famous. But the human fart bubble of potent delusion tells the London Evening Standard’s ES Magazine that her parents didn’t hand her anything (except for keys to the luxury car they bought her, cell phones, credit cards with no limits and the contract with Lucifer that PMK made her sign) and she had to work for all the luxuries she has and she expects North West to do the same thing. “The hell do you call this, heffa? A hobby?” is what North West is thinking to herself as wardrobe stylists dress her in a suede onesie, Converse kitten heels and a zebra skin bolero to shoot scenes for Krapping Up the Kartrashians.