I’m Sure You’re Dying To Know What The Kardashians Had For Thanksgiving Dinner

Hopefully, your hangover is waning thanks to the expired prescription meds you found in your grandma’s medicine cabinet and the memory of your drunk uncle telling the story about getting crabs off a German hooker during the war is fading so you can focus on conjuring a fuck to give about what the Jentrashians had for dinner last night. Kris posted a pic of their menu on Instagram, which screams “catered” or “Pinterest“, depending on which side of the “that doesn’t look like you tried too hard at all” spectrum one is on financially. Major side-eye to the line about famous lemon cake- you know the last thing Kris did in the kitchen was toss Bruce’s nuts on a cutting board with instructions for the chef to chop and candy them to mix in with the stuffing.

Like all families, they probably sat around the table and lied their asses off about what they are thankful for. If they had been honest, it would have started with Kris thanking Ray J. for downing that Double Big Gulp before turning the video camera on, the Jenner girls being grateful for their Daddy’s money, Kourtney thanking anybody who would listen that Scott likes to hit it from the back so she doesn’t have to look at his budding serial killer face and ended with Khloe borrowing a line from Ever After as she scowls at her mother and says, “I’m only here for the food“.

Just in case you needed a little help for some last-minute heaves, here are some pics of Kim’s asses (her cornucopia of implants and fat grafts, as well as Kanye) in Miami yesterday, and Kim living up to her title of the Most Beautiful Woman of All Time if ratty, unbrushed hair and a face that looks like it would melt near an open flame are the new beauty standards to which we’re all being held.

(Photos: Instagram, FameFlynet)

Leonardo DiCaprio Almost Stuck It In Bobbie Brown’s Cherry Pie

Bobbie Brown, Warrant’s “Cherry Pie” video ho, wrote a book called Dirty Rocker Boys in which she chronicles the aftermath of her volatile relationship with Tommy Lee. I know, I know- if you’ve heard one long shlong Tommy Lee story, you’ve heard them all, but the real story lies with other men Bobbie talks about in her book after her hot mess relationship with Tommy went to shit and he suddenly married Pamela Anderson. Bobbie did what any scorned woman worth her salt does- she went trolling for some new dick.

The Daily Mail has excerpts where she writes about Stephen Dorff offending her delicate sensibilities by using, “So, do you wanna go back to my house and fuck? (that sound you hear is Blade fangirls from 2005 tripping over themselves screaming “YES!!”) and Kevin Costner kicking her ass out after she almost burned his bedroom down with a cigarette. Both those are kind of tame and not quite up to revenge fuck standards, but Bobbie’s description of nearly sexing on Leonardo DiCaprio, when he was 19 makes up for it a little.

They put on TLC’s ‘Waterfalls’, started kissing and undressing themselves on her bed.

Brown writes: ‘I unbuttoned his jeans and tugged down on his boxers. When I saw made me gasp. It made no sense. The kid put Tommy Lee to shame’.

Then DiCaprio dropped the question which almost killed the mood, she claims. ‘So Bobbie, do you have any diseases? Also what about gonorrhea? Have you been tested for that?’

Okay, “Waterfalls” isn’t the worst thing to listen to when grinding on someone in the dark. It beats listening to the radio and having a Corn Nuts “Bust A Nut” commercial come on. THAT shit kills the mood. Thinking of Leo having a roll of Pillsbury cookie dough bouncing between his legs is pretty gross and sounds like total bullshit. The real question here is who the hell waits until the pants are off to ask about gonorrhea of all damn things? I’ve never been a huge fan of Leo, but I may make it my life’s mission to hunt him down and give him the gift that keeps on giving, Giant Microbe-style.

Boobie (whatever) said Leo gave her tingles in her special place but that they never sealed the deal because he made her feel bad about their age difference.

‘Waves of satisfaction rippled through my body. If only Tommy Lee could see me now. He was a unicorn. Rare, innocent, and horny. Me, on the other hand, I’d been engaged, married and had given birth. I needed a man, not a man-child’.

So Leo’s a horny unicorn? Awesome. The Victoria’s Secret Fashion Show just became a lot more interesting if you imagine Leo lurking backstage wearing this as one of his disguises, surveying the models and waiting for the perfect moment to send Lukas Haas up to one to whisper, “There’s a six month contract in it for you if you can prove you’ve tested clean recently and don’t mind me sitting in the corner furiously masturbating while crying”.

(Leo photo via Interview)

Please Take Note That Kaley Cuoco Is Not Effing Pregnant, Then Go Back To Sleep

Maybe I’m sitting in a kiddie pool full of bitter bitch water this morning because it’s fucking snowing and I’m not prepared to shift from tolerable weather to slipping and humping my mailbox in front of my neighbors, but I have no patience for Kaley Cuoco’s latest attempt to make me give a damn about her life.

BlindGossip (via Celebuzz) had an item saying Kaley and her fiancé of nine whole seconds, Ryan Sweeting, will be the proud parents of the most adorable, totally not for PR baby next year.

Her friends are telling us that she is right around the twelve-week mark. She is not quite ready to announce, but will instead spend the next few weeks wearing loose-fitting clothing and hoping that you don’t notice (just like Kerry Washington). She will definitely announce before the end of the year.

Kaley turned around after slipping her friends some Starbucks gift cards for helping a bitch out and tweeted:

That’s some serious indignation for someone who is four trips to the coffee shop, one more failed engagement and a glittery, bedazzled crotchal area away from Jennifer Love Hewitt status. Maybe people wouldn’t assume it’s possible you were EFFING pregnant (I’m shocked she didn’t spell it “pregnate”) if you didn’t seem like the type who will swing from dick to dick until one looks dumb enough to marry your knocked up ass after you spent 2 months poking holes in condoms every night when he was brushing his teeth. Ryan had better hope he goes the way of the Cavill before she gets pregnant, just to save the inevitable, epic meltdown Kaley looks like she’d have when she realizes in the hospital room that he didn’t take her countless hints that she was expecting a jewel-encrusted push present.

This gif sums up the quick engagement, fake wedding on Ellen, bitch your uterus looks fine to me whirlwind of PR bullshit pretty well…

(Photo: Wenn)