Kay McCabe Gives Me Fever

My skin is almost the same shade as Matthew McConaughey’s after laying my eyeballs on these pictures of his mother Kay McCabe raising her dress (from Coldwater Creek’s Freak in the Streets Collection) and flashing her nude chonies at the Hollywood premiere of Abraham Lincoln Log Lawyer (or whatever the hell that shit is called) last night. Sometimes when there’s not a subway grate around for you to stand over, you have to create your own Some Like It Hot moment. The best part is that Kay served up her goodies while posing next to her son Rooster. Rooster is like, “Cock-a-doodle-don’t, mom!” But thank the hell she cock-a-doodle-did, because Kay definitely brought the heat. If this is what happens when you mix Metamucil and Four Loko, serve it to all of our grannies and grandpas!

A little warning though: you might want to cut eye holes in a fireproof blanket and throw it over your head before looking at all these pictures of Kay. Because if you don’t, the fire blowing off of Kay’s legs will leave you with the complexion of burnt Indian clay like Matthew McConaughey, and now me.

And believe it or not, other people actually showed up to last night’s premiere even though Kay is really the one who matters. In order-ish: Matthew McGreasyhey, Camila Alves, Frances Fisher, Miss Kay with Rooster and Ryan Phillipe.

Run, T-Rex, Run!

Meanwhile, I’ve got two pairs of nipple warmers on, I’ve practically got a heating pad shoved into my ass crack and here’s this motherfucker jogging and playing with his son in Malibu like he has no idea what cold feels like. THAT BITCH is totally teasing those of us who are living on Snow Miser’s taint right now by wearing a beanie on his head. You know, because he has the choice and we don’t. Or maybe he just doesn’t want to burn his plugs. Whatever. I still can’t be mad at Matthew McConaughey, because the world will stop spinning if he doesn’t aim his bare nipples at the sun at least once a month.

The Photoshop Awards: Matthew McConaughey’s Dolce & Gabbana Cologne Ad

Matthew McConaughey’s natural scent of fermented armpit jelly, patchouli oil, weed smoke, taint fromage and sweat can never be masked, so I’m not sure why Dolce & Gabbana asked him to be the face of their new cologne. But they kept the fuckery going by using the “THINNING CURSE” tool on his head before cutting and pasting it onto the body of a svelte dandy with delicate hands that only touch silk. I mean, like Matthew’s real arms are even long enough for him to touch his neck anyways. Bitch please!

The pose is way too “grab my smelling salts” for Matthew to pull off. Was Chace Crawford not available?

via ONTD

A Little Freeman-On-McConaughey Action

Outside of a restaurant in Milan the other night, Morgan Freeman just couldn’t contain his desire to kiss and nipple-grab Matthew McConaughey. Git it, pepaw! Git on that bitch as if he was your step-granddaughter!

What Exactly Is Going On Here?

Every time somebody whispers that JLo and Skeletor are now members of Tommy Girl’s Church of Anti-Glibness, she gets her assistants to use both of their hands to pull her ass cheeks apart so that she can fart on that rumor. But I’m not sure if I’m buying JLo’s denials anymore, because what are those thought-stealing nodes she wore on her body to the Hope Gala in NYC last night? SCIENTOLOGY PROBES (those two words together makes Tommy Girl drip from all his orifices every time) that’s what those are!

But seriously, you might be wondering why (probably not) JLo isn’t screaming in pain from those rings digging into her flesh. Eh. JLo stopped feeling pain along time ago. It’s obvious since she’s the only one who isn’t trying to dig out her ear drums with her bare fingers whenever her songs come on. JLo feels no pain.

Here’s more of JLo with Skeletor at last night’s charity thing along with Selita Ebanks, Matthew McConaughey with Ms. Hair Iz Important, Jill Zarin with Grandma Wrinkles’ oil applier, Kathy Griffin and Giant Snooki.

Introducing Baby Vida

On his official website, Matthew McConaughey posted a picture of his now 3-week old daughter Vida Mita Vegiman Alves McConaughey. Matthew wrote on his site:

“Here’s a pic of our latest family member Vida Alves McConaughey. Thanks for all your well wishes our way, the future’s lookin bright, just keep livin, Matthew and Camila.”

The picture was taken just a little while after she was evicted from her mother’s womb. And guess what? Homegirl looks like a baby! A baby who sleeps more than a cat. Imagine that! Although, Vida could be sleeping so hard because she got a little contact high from her daddy. I mean, this is Matthew we’re talking about. He shits pot brownies and coughs up weed shake.

And here’s some pictures that will make you drop your bong. It’s Matthew McConaughey COMPLETELY CLOTHED on a beach yesterday. The salty air was making a sad face, because it couldn’t kiss Matthew’s nipples. A non-topless Matthew walking on the beach is against the laws of nature.