Raise Your Bong! Matthew McConaughey Is A Father Again!

Somewhere in the world Matthew McConaughey is handing out pink blunts to his friends to celebrate the birth of his new baby friend. 40-year-old Matthew announced on his website (which I got a contact high from) that his 26-year-old girlfriend Camila Alves gave birth to their daughter early today. Matthew took a hit and wrote:

Happy New Year everybody!!! On Sunday, Jan. 3rd at 12:13am, Camila gave birth to a healthy 7lb. 7oz. baby girl named “Vida Alves McConaughey”…. Vida is Portuguese for “life” and that’s what God gave us this morning… Camila’s recovering wonderfully and we are both truly honored to welcome this little lady into our family… thanks for all your well wishes and prayers along the way. another blessed day. we give thanks. just keep livin, Matthew and Camila

Matthew and Camila already have a 17-month-old son named Levi, so I guess I was wrong in thinking that his sperm fishes just lay around watching Beavis & Butthead re-runs while finishing off an entire Frito-Lay variety pack. They actually get off their stoner asses.

And Matthew only named his daughter Vida Alves McConaughey, so he can call her VAM! And he’ll fist pump every time he says it. VAM!

via People

Matthew McConaughey Works Fast

For being such a mega stoner, I would think that Matthew McConaughey spermies weren’t in a rush to get back to work after making a baby with Camila Alves a few months ago. I would think they would just want to hang out on Camila’s ovaries, shoot the shit, lay around and not even bother trying to break into one of those egg things. Too much work. But they have proven me wrong, because Camila is baking a baby! Yeah, isn’t that sweet? Father and child are baking at the same time!

Matthew announced the news on his website (which is a bong hit in itself): “Happy Father’s Day. It’s my first, and the last 11 months with Levi and Camila have been the most rewarding adventure to date. Happy Father’s Day. It’s my first, and the last 11 months with Levi and Camila have been the most rewarding adventure to date. We have more blessed news to celebrate this Father’s Day that [will] make this time next year double the fun. Levi is going to be a big brother… Yeah, we pulled off the greatest miracle in the world one more time, Camila and I are expecting our second child, bringing more life into the world, making more to live for. The future looks bright as the family grows and we thank you all for the well wishes you send our way. Viva la evolucion, naturally, and in the mean times and all time, just keep livin.”

Viva la evolucion! Ha. Do I have to be fully stoned to understand that last sentence? If so, pass me a joint and light it up.

Anyway, congratulations to Matthew! It will be nice for him to have another human around all the time who has arms shorter than his own. When Matthew can’t reach the syrup in the middle of the table, his new baby friend can look at him with eyes that say, “Sigh Neither can I.” Matthew will never feel alone!

VIA People

Quote From A Bong Water Drinker

Don’t ask Matthew McConaughey to play “pin the peen on the chocha,” because you could be there for a while. Matthew tells Elle Magazine, “From checking out Playboy I always thought — jeezum, we still don’t have a better word for it than vagina, do we? —I thought it was behind the pubic hair, and it faced horizontal. You know, east/west, not south. So the first time I got to third base, man, I was hunting for a long time.”

Jeezum! Matthew still doesn’t know, does he? He still has to go in with a compass, a flashlight hat and a flare gun.

And don’t even make the joke about Asians having horizontal slits! Do not! I’m half Asian and my no-no sits straight up! Sank you very much!

VIA OK! Magazine

You’re Almost There….

Matthew McConaughey must be a fan of Nip/Tuck, because it looks like he was inspired by the auto-sucking episode.

Matthew was on the beach in Rio trying to give his peen friend a little tongue kiss. He would say he was just “stretching,” but you know what he was up to. He just needed to get just a little bit closer and he easily could have slid his tongue right in between those dick lips and said “hello.” Matthew just needs to get a fat friend to sit on his back and he’ll get it. Besides, sucking his own dick is probably easier than jacking himself off. Those little T-Rex arms must have a hard time stretching all the way down there.

We’ve all tried to licky our own dicky. Don’t lie. I stopped trying, because whenever I did go for it, I’d have the sudden urge to do pee times. And auto-golden-showers is not a sport I want to play.

There’s Something Wrong With These Pictures

Matthew McConaughey is at the beach….and he’s wearing a shit (typo, but it stays). How is this even possible? I would think that the sea breezes would blow that shirt right off of his body. And if that didn’t happen, the seagulls would tear it off him. This shit just looks so unnatural and wrong.

If I saw a laughing MiserAlba riding on a flying Spaghetti Cat through a rainbow coming out of Tommy Girl’s ass, I wouldn’t even blink an eye. Now that I’ve seen McConaughey wearing a shirt at the beach, anything is possible.

Below is McConaughey proving the impossible at the beach with his dog friend. I also added some pictures of Pamela Anderson wearing her signature loony bin scrubs for all the dirty snatch lovers out there.

She’s Still Jenny From The Block

Devoted mother and champion athlete JLo and Skeletor arrived to a Dolce & Gabbana party in Milan in a golden fucking carriage pulled by four white horses. They look like the tackiest vampires in Transylvania. Wait. Is there such a thing as a vampire with a big fat ass?

Other guests at the party also arrived by horse and carriage, but you know JLo made sure she picked out her carriage first. Those poor horses probably got the runs when they saw JLo and her life-support-needing husband.

I like JLo’s veil, but you know what would have made it even better? If it was a few inches longer and made out of a paper bag.

Here’s more of JLo wearing one of Liberace’s old nightgowns last night. Matthew McConaughey was also at the party. It looks like he’s been taking beauty tips from Zac Efron and Xtina.