The Texas T-Rex Got Hitched!

If you were in Austin, TX last night and wondered why you heard the sound of a wild stoner T-Rex howling at the night while running through the woods, pounding at his bare chest, you now know why. It was just Matthew McConaughey letting out a celebratory wail after becoming Camila Alves’ husband. Yes, that’s a picture of Camila with Matthew McConaughey and not a picture of Camila with the broken condom baby of a female Skeletor and a Ken doll.

The Texas T-Rex’s spokeswhore tells People, who bought the EXCLUSIVO rights for publishing pictures of this shit, that he married the mother of his two kids and his piece of 6 years at their mansion in Austin, Texas last night. Camila took her man’s last name, so now she’ll be known as Camila McConaughey. If I was Camila, I’d also legally give myself a middle name that begins with a U, so my initials could be CUM. Now those are some initials worth monogramming on your bathroom hand towels.

A source tells UsWeekly that after the reception, a handful of guests including Woody Harrleson got the option to stay in a temporary McConaughey commune of over a dozen fancy ass tents that had showers and air conditioning. Hos who decided to camp out in Matthew’s backyard didn’t have to worry about bears, but they did have to worry about him trying to steal their weed stash in the middle of the night. Poor bitches had to hang their weed bags up in the trees. Well, at least they only had to hang their stash on the lowest hanging branch since Matthew’s tiny T-Rex arms can’t even reach that high.

All the details you don’t care about like what Camila wore on her body and if Matthew played his own wedding march on his bongo drums are in the next issue of People. The only thing I care about is how Camila wore her hair, because above everything, hair IS important.

The Only Part Of Last Night’s MTV Movie Awards That Matters

The MTV Movie Awards was an unnecessary pile of useless dingles, but it was still the best thing MTV has aired in years and that’s because during the Twatlight and Hunger Games appreciation ceremony, chronic panty cream-inducer Joe ManJello came out as Big Dick Richie, his character from Magic Mike, to give the “Most Transformed” award to Elizabeth Banks for wearing a pink wig in THG.

Never mind that Joe ManJello basically called your vagina and my no-no hole an ax wound (that’s what my doctor calls it, so I’m used to it) by wielding a giant ax around like it was his dick, why did Matthew McConaughey and Channing Tatum stay on the stage when he came out? How can one fully fap to Joe ManJello when Matthew’s T-Rex arms and Channing Tatum are in the same shot? I can’t focus on Joe when I’m too busy wondering why Channing Tatum is starting to look like a bloated 35-year-old high school gym teacher who always drunkenly cries about how he had to turn down an invitation to the NFL tryouts because his girlfriend got knocked up.

And is it wrong of me to secretly wish that Joe ManJello’s film and TV career dries up so that he has to start doing hardcore gay porn to pay his gym membership and protein shake bills? I mean, with cum gutters like those…..

Panty Creamer Of The Day: The Magic Mike Poster

If a movie poster doesn’t look like it should be printed on 3×4 glossy card stock and passed out by a twink in a sleeveless shirt in front of Micky’s on Santa Monica Blvd., we don’t need it! The Magic Mike hos obviously get that, because here’s the A for effort, low-budget poster for that cinematic bulge party camouflaged as a movie (I’m hoping). This is some Village People night at your mom’s favorite club shit. This movie better not let me or my Saran-wrapped parts (I care about the cleanliness of movie theater seats) down. It better be like an episode of Dancing Bear. (Google that at lunch on your iPhone when you’re in the comfort of the last stall in your office bathroom).

And here’s some pictures of Joe ManJello flexing his He-Man doll body in Men’s Health UK. The things your Photoshop is going to do to that picture of him with the tire. Adobe should just go ahead and add a “replace tire with muscle bottom” tool in Photoshop.

The Paperboy: The Movie Where Nicole Kidman Pisses All Over Zac Efron’s Face And Chest

If your internet connection is going in and out this morning, that’s because Kim Kardashian is furiously refreshing The Paperboy page on Fandango until the BUY TICKETS button comes up, because that bladder wine-loving heffa wants to buy ALL the tickets! If Lee Daniels’ upcoming movie The Butler (co-starring Matthew McConaughey as John Fucking Kennedy) is going to be a major shit show, then his new movie The Paperboy is the piss stream before the dump. The Paperboy made its debut at Cannes this week and so far many of the critics have declared it a campy piece of utter shit. That means I can confidently say that The Paperboy is going to be my favorite cinematic masterpiss of 2012!

The Paperboy is based on the novel by Peter Dexter and follows two brothers, the Texas T-Rex and Zac Efron, as they investigate (Princess Zac as an investigator? HA!) the case of a death row inmate played by John Cusack. This is the part that is already making me hand over my credit card number to buy a ticket. Nicole Kidman plays a trashy, sex crazed tramp who is obsessed with John Cusack’s character and wants to marry him. With Nicole’s help, Zac and Matthew try to figure out if John Cusack committed the murder he was convicted of. Vulture says that in the scene where Nicole first meets John Cusack face-to-face, she is so horny for him that she rips off her pantyhose before her pussy explodes into a hand-free orgasm. Please tell me that after Nicole’s coochie seizure moment, Zac snaps his fingers and says, “Guuuurrrl, I’ll have what she’s having!”

As for that scene where Nicole R. Kellys Zac, I’ll let Vulture give it to you:

Later in the movie, as Efron’s romantic ardor for Kidman is at its peak, the two head to the beach, where he decides to cool down with a dip in the ocean. Naturally, he is attacked by CG jellyfish. (Only the sixteenth weirdest thing to happen in this movie.) Covered in sting marks, he barely manages to drag himself to shore, and when Kidman is alerted to the attack by some comely girls who surround Efron, she pushes them away, pops a squat, and out comes number-one. And yes, you get a close-up of the stream. This is a movie that often seems to be missing important transitional scenes or specific inserts, but you had better believe that when Nicole Kidman pees on Zac Efron, that camera is there.

Thank the Maybelline Gods for waterproof foundation, because if Zac’s “maybe she’s born with it” face got messed up in the making of that AFI-worthy moment, he would’ve had a hissy fit over that…pissy fit (sorry).

And I’m calling it right now. The Oscar goes to……Nicole Kidman’s piss stream!

Here’s Zac Efron still glowing from his golden shower facial at The Paperboy photocall with human marble pillar Nicole Kidman, Macy Gray, Matthew McConaughey and John Cusack.

Minka Kelly And Matthew McConaughey To Play Jackie Kennedy & JFK

If you’re the Alabama Leprechaun and you’re looking for the wrong stuff to smoke, head directly to the casting office for The Butler, because they’re obviously tripping into new dimensions over there. They’re tripping so hard that they’ve frolicked into a new world where casting Minka Kelly and Matthew McConaughey as the Kennedys makes sense. Because it makes zero sense in this world. R. Kelly and Rooster McConaughey as Jackie & John makes more sense than this mess.

Indiewire has blown out a crack cloud in the form of news that the Leighton Meester impersonator and the Texas T-Rex will join Forrest Whitaker, Oprah, Cuba Gooding Jr., Lenny Kravitz, Terrence Howard, Alan Rickman (as Ronald Reagan), Jane Fonda (as Nancy Reagan), John Cusack (as Nixon) and Nicole Kidman’s forehead (as The White House) in The Butler. Lee Daniels, who directed Precious, will direct the story of the White House butler (played by Forrest Whitaker) who served eight presidents from 1952 to 1986. But who the hell cares about the story! My ears are too busy curling at the thought of Matthew McConaughey trying to turn his extra slow drawl into JFK’s accent. It’s going to sound like what would hit your ears if a stoned Forrest Gump was in The Departed.

Terrible accents aside, 99% of this movie’s budget is going to go toward turning these hos into the people they’re supposed to be playing using the same shit the Kardashians smear their faces with (sandbox indian clay, terracotta epoxy putty and shark cartilage). To save money, Lee Daniels should just fire everybody and cast this movie from Disney World’s Hall of Presidents. It’d be cheaper and the performances would definitely be better.

These Two Are Finally Engaged

Because your Facebook feed isn’t already filled with a bunch of sappy bitches slobbering over how their pieces went to Jared and slipped an engagement ring on their finger over the Christmas holiday, here’s another one to keep your heaves going. No, this isn’t a picture of Blanket Jackson getting the life sucked out of him by a Dr. Evil on roids. It’s everyone’s favorite bongo-playing stoner Matthew McConaughey kissing on the mother of his 2 chirruns, Camila Alves, after proposing to her on Christmas Day. Today, the definition of “precious” is the image of Matthew getting down on one knee, pulling out a shiny marijuana leaf ring and trying to put it on Camila’s finger with those tiny T-Rex arms of his. I bet bitch couldn’t reach and had to use a grabber. Matthew Twatted this afterward:

Just asked camila to marry me, #MerryChristmas
26 Dec

Matthew and Camile have a 3-year-old son named Levi and an almost 2-year-old named Vida, so some whores are saying throwing these two a “WHY BOTHER?!” side-eye. But just because they already made two baby friends together doesn’t mean they no longer have the right to ruin each other’s lives by getting married! So I say, congratulations, and I also say, DAMN FUCK THAT’S A BIG ASS HEAD. It’s almost like a Kardashian goiter.

via UsWeekly