Marky Mark Will Remove You From His Christmas Card List If You’re An Actor Who Compares Himself To A Soldier

What is it about Mark Wahlberg that makes him react to everything like an angry Red Sox fan who’s deep into his 6th beer? He could be dressed in an Armani tuxedo walking the red carpet at the Academy Awards, someone could walk by and accidentally bump him, and in 0.2 seconds he’d have his tie off and given his hotdog to his girlfriend to hold before yelling ‘Yah betta call yah motha and tell her to pick out a casket for yah funeral, buddy, cause yah dead! Yah so fackin dead.’

According to TMZ, Mahky Mahk took an indirect shot at Scientology’s Homecoming Queen, Tom Cruise (did I even need to write his name?) when he spoke candidly about how he feels when actors compare themselves to soldiers (I’ll give $1000 to whichever one of you is able to read this in a regular dialect and not a thick Southie accent):

Wahlberg was speaking at the AFI Festival in L.A., when he was asked about the story TMZ broke about Tom Cruise saying in a deposition that his job was like fighting in Afghanistan. Wahlberg unloaded, saying “For somebody to sit there and say ‘my job was as difficult as being in the military.’ How f**king dare you, while you sit in a makeup chair for 2 hours.”

Wahlberg didn’t stop there. He said, “I don’t give a shit if you get your ass busted. You get to go home at the end of the day. You get to go to your hotel room. You get to order your f**king chicken.”

Order your fucking chicken? I’m sure Marky Mark is using the word fuck as an adjective, but it’s more fun to pretend he’s referring to a chicken that one fucks. You hear that Tommy Boy? Go back to your hotel room and stick your dick in a chicken.

I get what Poppa Funky Bunch is saying. When you’re an adult man who’s job is basically to play pretend for millions of dollars, it’s pretty bold to compare what you do to a bunch of dudes who are sweating their balls off in a tent in the desert. But this is Tom Cruise we’re talking about! He’s practically a whole chapter in your therapists reference guide to self-absorbed delusion. You can’t take what he says seriously. Hmmm, sounds like someone else we know. I’m not going to name names, but wasn’t there was an actor who’s said he could have prevented 9/11 by getting all Sergeant First Class Troy Barlow on a terrorist? Exactly.

(Pic via Wenn)

QOTD: Marky Mark’s Words Of Advice For Justin Bieber

Britain’s Grain of Salt Daily (aka The Sun, which you now have to pay to read online IN THIS ECONOMY) asked would-be 9/11 hero Marky Mark to piss out a little advice to Justin Bieber from one third degree douche burn to another. Marky, who along with Vanilla Ice are the blueprints of Justin Bieber’s life and spent the early part of his career with his pants on the ground, gave this advice to the Biebs (via Digital Spy):

“Justin, are you listening? Don’t be so naughty, yeah? Be a nice boy, pull your trousers up, make your mom proud and stop smoking weed, you little b**tard. He’s a teenager living in a different day and age. I was in prison before I got a record out and I don’t think he’s been to prison.

He’s a nice enough kid and you’re going to be a teenager, but if you’re being a teen in the spotlight you’re going to be criticized for it. This career can be short-lived – you might as well be the best you can while you’re doing it.”

I read that as “buttard” and I refuse to correct myself.

Justin Bieber is as pleasant as a tongue full of cold sores and he should probably be tranquilized and stored in a cage somewhere until he’s done with puberty, but at least there’s not a Vietnamese man in the Boston area who can’t see shit thanks to him. So maybe the Biebs isn’t doing that bad considering. Ugh. And I hate hate HATE that buttard Marky Mark for making me defend that little shit. I need a Hazmat shower now.

Here’s Marky Mark in London today.

Pics: Wenn.com, Splash

Angelyne Takes A Tumble

The inventor of cement, the makers of wedge flip-flops, Sir Isaac Newton’s estate, the paparazzo who shot this, Los Angeles County and who ever built that curb should all face felony charges for their role in the crime against natural beauty that happened in Beverly Hills the other day.

While sashaying into a building in Beverly Hills, Hollywood’s very own hot pink unicorn Angelyne tripped on the curb and nearly fell on her exquisitely crafted porcelain face. God would’ve been so damn mad if something happened to his greatest creation. You can say that it’s Angelyne’s fault since she was covering her face Amanda Bynes-style. But Angelyne has to cover her gorgeous face or everyone around her will go into shock from being that close to her beauty. So Angelyne was doing humanity a favor and this is what she gets for it?!

And you know, I have a feeling this was all staged by Angelyne to make all of us think that she’s a mere mortal. Because we all know that Angelyne could’ve easily sprouted her pink angel wings and flown her face to safety.

People Of Walmart: Our Lady Of Cheetos Edition

While some of us were spending our Saturday afternoon trying to perfect the Easter Cadbury Creme Egg mojito (aka a tall drink of delicious barf) recipe we got from the gourmet journal The Daily Mail, Brit Brit Spears was in Kentwood, LA steering her blue plastic and metal chariot through the aisles of the hillbilly Shangri-La that is Walmart. The People of Walmart disappoint me, because in every single one of these pictures, they should be bowing down and showering her with the coupons they cut out from the PennySaver, because this is their queen. Brit Brit dressed up for them and everything and they failed to pay tribute to her. For shame.

Yes, that bruised and battered weave looks like it has more grease in it than the back of Matthew McConaughey’s panties, but the worst part of this look is at the opposite end of her body. Brit Brit is always killing me softly with her UGGs. I am way too hungover and not daytime drunk enough to deal with that shit. I think those tin man UGGs gave me mercury poisoning.

Behold, The Blonde Bombshell Of The GLAAD Awards

A chorus of squishy sounds was heard at the GLAAD Awards in NYC last night when the beautimous Mama June strolled in and made everyone make sketti sauce in their panties. While showing us what it would look like if Kate Hudson was in Shallow Hal, Honey Boo Boo’s maker puckered for the cameras and gave everyone some Like My Body realness. Mama June could’ve really come out for GLAAD by painting each one of her chins a different color of the rainbow, but she still put other hos to shame.

And those other hos were: Rickie from My-So-Called Life, Snooki, JWoww (looking like eighth runner-up for Miss Plastic Surgery Puerto Rico 1991), Milla Jovovich, Fallen Countess LuAnn with her French piece Davide Schwimmaire, the ageless Bernadette Peters, Sam Champion with his husband, John Leguizamo with his wife, noted fashion photographer Nigel Barker with his wife, Wonk-Eyed Vinny with his piece, Mo Rocca and Carmen Carrera.

Because You Definitely Need A Palate Cleanser

If you spent time with the post below, then you probably have the taste of fame whore leche in your mouth, so rinse away that nastiness by breathing in the natural beauty of the earth goddess that is Shauna Sand. I mean, Shauna Sand is an elegant piece of parsley with fake chichis and exquisite taste in heels. If you’ve been looking for the perfect church ensemble that says, “I’m as pure as a drop of saliva off of a baby unicorn’s tongue,” then take a page from the Empress of Lucite and steal a doily out of a pre-school craft closet and turn it into a dress. As soon as you sashay through the church doors tomorrow, the entire congregation will turn away from the altar and worship at your feet instead.

Here’s the most gorgeous creature in every universe with her piece Laurent Homoburger (typo and it stays) gracing Miami with their beauty the other day. You can’t tell from these pictures, but every time Shauna Sand’s heels touched the ground, a member of the preservation society declared that patch of concrete a historical site. And I used to think that sleeveless Ed Hardy t-shirts were the epitome of tacky, but that appreciator of beauty in the background is making me think otherwise. He obviously knows sophistication and is an authority on elegance if he’s taking a picture of Shauna Sand. I will never doubt his taste.