Open Post: Hosted By Marie Osmond Healing The World With Her Gorgeous Music

April 14, 2016 / Posted by:

I would think that sick children would feel even sicker from the sight of Marie Osmond hopping around while looking like some kind of creature that was rejected from Captain EO for being too scary. But according to Marie Osmond’s video for Music Is Medicine, I am so mistaken.

The MTV Video Music Awards always get it wrong, so I’m sure Marie’s video won’t win Video of the Year. But Kanye West will earn back a little credibility if he crashes the stage, snatches the award out of the winner’s hand and says, “Imma let you finish, but Marie Osmond had one of the best videos of all-time!” He would not be lying either. Yes, the side effects for Music Is Medicine include night terrors, diarrhea, an intense craving for Molly and a sudden fear of accepting FedEx packages, but it’ll also take you up, up and away.

In the video, a girl at a children’s hospital opens up a FedEx package from a robot and out pops Marie Osmond looking like a deranged Thundercat who’s starring in a production of Starlight Express that is so low-budget they can’t afford skates. Marie and her chorus of dancers in recycled Kids Inc. costumes bust out moves in the lobby of the children’s hospital before they skip around and replace the sick kids’ medicines with Beats headphones (PRODUCT PLACEMENT ALERT!). I know that Marie is Mormon, but this mess looks like a Scientology propaganda video. A Scientology propaganda video done really fucking right, might I add!

And now I need some medicine, specifically a whole lot of Ambien and Xanax. I don’t have a prescription, but I’m sure the pharmacist at CVS will hand over their entire supply when I tell them I desperately need those meds because of this:


Well, they won’t hand over their entire supply. They’ll need some for themselves after seeing Marie Osmond looking scarier than one of her dolls.

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