The Shade Of It All: Elizabeth Banks Burns Tara Reid

Elizabeth Banks has been in the Hunger Games movies, she stole scenes in 30 Rock, she was in the masterpiece that is Wet Hot American Summer and she directed the Pitch Perfect sequel, which will probably make 30 trillion dollars. She’s also the actress my mom always refers to as Al Bundy’s daughter in Modern Family. Some might say that Elizabeth Banks is at the top. But well, has she been in Sharknado 1 AND 2? No. Can she create a paparazzi frenzy (read: 1 pap taking a dozen pictures while waiting for someone from Vanderpump Rules to show) by posing with fellow A-lister Bai Ling? I think not. Is she a 3-time Razzie nominee? Nope.

Elizabeth Banks knows all of that and it eats at her insides. She probably wakes up in the middle of the night wondering where her career went wrong. Elizabeth couldn’t hide her jealousy anymore and during an interview with The Hollywood Reporter to promote Pitch Perfect 2, it all come out when she said this:

“There was a group of us girls coming up. A lot of us are surviving. Some of us are not. I used to go to auditions with Tara Reid. So, you know, we didn’t all make it. We’re not all still here. I do love Sharknado.”

Surprisingly, Tara Reid found time in her busy schedule to comment on this wrong diss. Tara responded by saying, “Elizabeth who?” No, Tara said that she’s a fan and she doesn’t understand why Elizabeth Banks would slap at her like that. Like I said before, the answer is: PURE JEALOUSY. Elizabeth Banks wishes she was in The Hungover Games instead of The Hunger Games, which nobody cares about! Elizabeth also wishes that her pussy game was so good that it got men fired from their job.

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Naomi The Terrible Is Up To Her Old Tricks Again

It feels like it’s been centuries since two-time welterweight BlackBerry boxer grand champion Naomi Campbell has injected fear into the streets by whoopin’ tricks left and right. Naomi hasn’t curbed her cuntiness (THANK GOD), but I thought that maybe she retired her slapping hands and was done with leaving her mark (aka her palm print) on people’s faces. Well, I thought wrong, because Naomi the Terrible was back to terrorizing hos in Cuba yesterday.

A cameraman from NBC News made the mistake of following Naomi as she left her hotel in Havana. Naomi told him to get out of her face. Now, when Naomi Campbell tells you to get out of her face, you either listen or you call your mother to tell her you love her, put on a helmet and hope for the best while clutching a rosary. The cameraman kept filming and so Naomi came for his ass. I don’t know what that NBC cameraman was thinking. Maybe he was thinking he could sue her ass? I don’t know. But if Naomi came running toward me, I’d drop my camera and run to the nearest church. Naomi pounced on his ass and bitch slapped his camera around.

The cameraman wasn’t injured and he was lucky he got away ALIVE. Naomi later called NBC News (which is owned by NBCUniversal, which owns Oxygen, the network The Face airs on) to apologize and said it was all just one, big misunderstanding!

“I am sorry for what happened. It was all a big misunderstanding. Please forgive me,” Campbell said in a telephone interview on Thursday afternoon.

What Naomi means by “misunderstanding” is that she didn’t want a camera filming her face for free and the cameraman didn’t understand that, so she had to explain it to him in a language he may understand. The language being her favorite language: Slapanese. That’s what she meant.

And here’s Naomi leaving some restaurant with Kate Moss in London the other day.

Pics: Splash

Open Post: Hosted By A Rose Holding A Rose

After writing about that never-ending train wreck of sad that is the Honey Boo Boo situation, I prayed to the Gods for a palate cleanser and my prayers were answered when I logged onto one of the photo agency websites and these pictures of human rose Grace Jones holding a rose gently swept across my eyeballs. FYI: My irises are now the color of a moonstone and I didn’t have to get some suspect shit implanted into them by a suspect doctor, TINY.

While dressed like a bag lady Sith Lord and wearing stunning Batman logo sunglasses, the Mistress of EVERYTHING left a joint party she threw with Kate Moss in London last night. I throw a joint party every night too if you know what I mean. If you’re soul ever needs a pick-me up, just stare at Grace’s impeccable seesaw eyebrows and you’ll be taken up, up and anyway. Grace proves that if you want to have the brows a maniacal cartoon villain who is always plotting the end of the world, the only two things you need are a BIC pen and a level.

Here’s more pictures of Grace having an intimate moment with a rose in London. You know, every picture of Grace should be filled with roses, because hos should throw roses at her all the time. I also threw in some pictures of a drunk Kate Moss (that’s redundant) dressed like a coked up Muppet going to a Great Gatsby-themed slumber party.

Pics: Wenn.com

The Time Daniel Craig Just Called Kate Moss To Say “I Love You”

And the ESCANDALOS (not really) from The News of the World phone hacking trial just keep coming….

A few days ago, Jude Law testified about how he got into a brawl of words over the phone with Daniel Craig when he found out that Daniel was wet humping on his girlfriend at the time Sienna Miller. Former News of the World reporter Dan Evans also previously testified that he hacked into Daniel Craig’s voicemail and heard Sienna tell Daniel that she loves him. Today in court, the Daily Mail says that Dan admitted that in 2004, he intercepted a message that Daniel Craig left on Kate Moss’ voicemail. Dan told the court that in the voicemail, Daniel Craig said:

“I love you, I love you, I love you.”

There was a rumor that Daniel and Kate were fucking each other in 2004, but it was never really confirmed.

Damn. Those Primrose Hill whores passing each other around. When Daniel Craig was licking on Sienna Miller he was also licking up Jude Law’s peen juices and when Kate Moss was licking on Daniel Craig’s peen she was also licking up Sienna Miller’s coochie juices. That weird sensation in my stomach isn’t from the three-day-old bean burrito I just ate. It’s the warm feeling of jealousy. But what’s really gross is that they were telling each other “I love you.” Why did they have to ruin their hot fuck times with “I love you”? It must’ve been the coke talking.

RiRi And Kate Moss Take Turns Getting Naked

RiRi can’t go through a photo shoot without the photographer, assistants, stylists, the dude who keeps the chips bowl full and everybody else in the studio getting two eye fulls of her titty knobs. Just like the dude who lived across from me when I lived in the East Village a few years ago, bitch always to have her titties out. (Side note: You haven’t lived in NYC until you’ve looked out your living room window and watched a fat, hairy white dude sing out loud while cooking. Fuck city views, I want singing bear views.)

And Kate Moss is just like RiRi, she’s gotta make sure everybody has seen her boobs more than they’ve seen their own. So when V Magazine (via Fashionista) put Kate and RiRi in a shoot together, of course they brought their chichis out and took turns whipping each other like a straight dude’s dream version of a lesbian Fifty Shades of Grey (Fifty Shades of Flannel?). Speaking of dreams, this is also a coke dealer’s idea of the perfect threesome. I’m sure that the carbon monoxide detector in the studio started screaming, because it smelled chemical gas wafting out of RiRi and Kate Moss’ noses and it went off just to be safe.

And here’s RiRi’s video for that Diamonds song. Bitch is running from cars, rubbing on some white Chris Brown arm, staring at the Northern Lights and cutting up her lungs by trying to smoke rhinestones.

Well, I liked the part with the horse…

Liberty Ross Stood Next To A Dude Last Night, Must Be Doing Him

While wearing a coat made of the carcasses of Benji’s slaughtered relatives, Liberty Ross left London’s Serpentine Gallery last night with a dude who isn’t her cheating skank husband Rupert Sanders and she held hands with the dude, so this obviously means that she’s scrubbing away Kristen Stewart’s saliva (that was transferred to her chocha by Rupert’s tongue) on a shrub of curly British pubes. Obviously.

I know, Liberty Ross should be under her bed sheets, wallowing in the shame of her husband passing his nomad tongue to a slow trick with the sex appeal of uncooked peen dough, but she took the advice of important poet Kandi Burruss and is flying above all the drama. Besides, the best way to reheat a cold heart that froze from your husband cheating on you is to put it in front of the warm flashes shooting off of the paparazzi’s cameras.

And I know these pictures of Liberty Ross (Side note: The first time I read the name “Liberty Ross,” I Googled to see if there’s a Ross Dress For Less in a town called Liberty, because I know what’s important.) are heart-stoppingly exciting on their own, but I threw in pictures of everyone’s favorite British drunk Kate Moss. Kate Moss is saving the economy, one vodka shot at a time.