Open Post: Hosted By Jonathan Rhys Meyers Giving You Stunning Travolta Hair

Somewhere deep in the bowels of the Scientology Centre bath house, a team of massage therapists are working the tensed-up knots out of John Travolta’s body (you decided where those tensed-up knots are) as he seethes over these pictures of Jonathan Rhys Meyers’ lush mop delicately blowing in the French air. John Travolta has to troll the finest taxidermy boutiques in Beverly Hills to find the creatures he wears on his head while JRM’s luxurious mane is naturally grown (I think). Fair: Life isn’t!

While looking like he just fell out of a European Lens Crafters ad, JRM and his stunning hair posed with Anika Noni Rose and Sookeh Stackhouse at a photo call for the History Channel’s Roots at the MipTV conference in Cannes today. Not pictured are all of the people behind the cameras who are slapping at their hands to keep themselves from gently stroking JRM’s gorgeous hair and/or shaving off that scraggly pussy patch on his chin.

And yes, I said Roots. You may be wondering why two out of three of the actors at a photo call for Roots are white. Well, this Roots is actually a ten-part mini-series about the rise of the JcPenney salon in the 70s and 90s. No, it’s really a remake of that Roots. The rest of the cast must have missed their flights. Yeah, that’s it.

Here’s more from today’s photo call as well as pictures of JRM and his fiancee at the premiere gala for Roots Rebooted.

Pics: Wenn.com, Splash

Jonathan Rhys Meyers Wants You To Know He’s Definitely Not Off The Wagon

Despite photographs showing him looking like the definition of DRUNK that appeared on the internet last week, Jonathan Rhys Meyers would like you to cancel your call to A&E to have Candy Finnigan and the Intervention crew pulled out of retirement, because he’s not nearly as messy as he looks. In case you’ve forgotten, Jonathan used to have a real bad time with the booze, and last week it looked like he and booze had become reacquainted again. But earlier today, Jonathan released a statement via his fianceé Mara Lane’s Instagram account (via Daily Mail) claiming it’s not as bad as it looked:

“Mara and I are thankful for your support and kindness during this time. I apologize for having a minor relapse and hope that people don’t think too badly of me. I stopped drinking immediately and it is no reflection on Damascus Cover [his latest film] as I was not meant to attend Cannes this year and I apologize to fans and colleagues. I am on the mend and thank well wishers and sorry for my disheveled appearance as I was on my way home from a friends and had not changed I feel I made a mistake and feel quite embarrassed but this was just a blip in my recovery otherwise I’m living a healthy life. Love and blessings. #Rebel #Angel”

Maybe it’s because I’m second-hand hammered from looking at those pics of JRM rolling hard on the juice, but “#Rebel #Angel” totally sounds like the name of a party 2-pack from Ed Hardy that comes with a bottle of vodka and a bottle of edible rhinestones.

JRM was stumbling around in the street during the day with his fly open and carrying an open bottle of Smirnoff, which means he can check off three boxes on the “Signs you might need to cool it a bit” list. But that friend of his isn’t off the hook, either. Who lets a friend leave their house that drunk? The open fly alone should have been enough to warrant a couch crashing.

Panty Creamers Of The Day: Joe ManJello And Other Hot Pieces In W Magazine

It’s Monday so you probably woke up this morning with the hungover demons possessing your body, your breath smelling like Sunday night sangria and your eyeballs covered in crusties. You probably considered just never getting out of bed ever, because is a regular paycheck really worth getting up in the morning on a Monday? But you pulled yourself out, injected caffeine into your eyeballs, put on some clean panties and made it through the day by playing that Flappy Bird shit in your cubicle. We all made it through the day without murdering anyone (I think) or checking into the hospital because our bodies turned into a giant raisin from crying at the bottom of a hot shower for a few hours straight. Let’s all celebrate with this picture from W Magazine of Joe Manganiello with morning wood eyes. Or maybe he’s saying, “How about an early morning salad tossing? You do me first” with his eyes.

Photographers Mert and Marcus shot a bunch of famous hos in bed for W Magazine and some of them will give your genitals the sweats (see: Joe ManJello, STAINS’ human brother Jonathan Rhys Meyers and David Gandy) and some will make your b-hole poot out a “meh” (see: Vanessa Hudgens and that busted wig on her head and Kanye’s cuddle boo Riccardo Tisci).

And to answer the question in your head, no, it’s not weird at all to have that top picture turned into a body pillow with holes in it. That’s actually totally natural and not-at-all-crazy or creepy. Just make sure you get it in stain-resistant fabric like I did.

Jonathan Rhys Meyers Tried To Commit Suicide (UPDATE)

UPDATE: A source tells The Hollywood Reporter that JRM did not try to off himself. Their source says that JRM had a relapse and sort of, kind of went a little too far with the pills.

The Sun reports that STAINS’ bulging eyeball twin Jonathan Rhys Meyers was put in the hospital on Tuesday night after she allegedly tried to take his own life by swallowing a bunch of pills at his home in London. JRM’s rep hasn’t confirmed the sadness, but one of his neighbors tells The Sun that paramedics showed up to his home after someone called 999 (that’s 911 in British). They found JRM lying on his bathroom floor and at first he told them to go away, but they eventually got him into an ambulance and took him to the hospital.

JRM didn’t have any comment to The Sun when he was released from the hospital a few hours after he checked in. JRM has had battles with the booze bottle for some time and he completed his fifth trip to rehab earlier this month. I would say that JRM is still “battling his demons” but that phrase belongs in the coffin marked OVERUSED with “over the moon.” It makes everything worse. But you know what doesn’t make everything worse? This temporary antidote to sadness:

Whoops. Did I mix my antidotes to sadness with my antidotes to comfortableness again? Because that chihuahua is so making sessy eyes at us while getting a raspberry. It’s like something that would play on Animal Planet After Dark.

Yes, don’t worry, I’m donating my brain to science so that they can figure out what makes a NOT RIGHT gutter tramp like myself turn wholesome cuteness into nastiness.

via Say OMG

Tom Ford Is Sharp As All Fuck

This is not new information, but today just felt like the right day to remind everyone that Tom Ford is meticulously sharp from top to bottom and back. Tom makes Patrick Bateman look like a slob! I bet that every morning before Tom leaves his penthouse apartment, he steams the wrinkles out of his anus (just in case) and then stands in front of a mirror blowing cold air at his head with a blow dryer to make sure every hair moves (or doesn’t move) in the wind like it should.

You never know when a pap is going to take your picture. And you never know when a blogger wearing stained sweat shorts is going to post said picture. Tom and his perfectly manicured widow’s peak of pure sex are always prepared.

Damn. I seriously just want to buy a Vespa from this sexy motherfucker. Yeah, I know Tom is not a Vespa salesman, but I bet he could make one magically appear on the street if you asked him for one. The same goes for imported cigars and 200 year old single malt whiskey.

Anyways, if a man who smells like a hot pair of clippers and overpriced cologne is not for you, then I’ve also got some pictures of STAINS’ long lost brother with his girlfriend in London last night.

Let’s Try This Again, Shall We?

Jonathan Rhys Meyer is attempting to dry out in rehab again after he was banned from United Airlines earlier this month for being a nasty mess of an angry drunk. And nobody likes a nasty mess of an angry drunk! Well, unless they’re naked, and then it’s kind of okay. Sometimes.

BUT Some say JRM even dropped the atomic “N” bomb on an employee who refused to let him board the flight. JRM hasn’t admitted this, but that’s not exactly something you shout from your Facebook status unless you want everybody but Bombshell McGee to hate you.

JRM’s spokeswhore confirms to People that he is seeking treatment at a London rehab facility. The spokeswhore wouldn’t give up anymore details. This is JRM’s fourth attempt at trying to stop his thirst for the sweet nectar.

History says that JRM usually turns into the Cloverfield monster of drunks when he’s at an airport. Maybe the sight of a Hudson News or the scent of burnt Dunkin’ Donuts coffee makes him want to eat a bottle of vodka. I don’t know, but he should really stay away from airports for a while. Either that or he should do what my aunt does to her dog when flying. Swallow a dog tranquilizer and take a long nap while cramped into a dog carrier under someone’s seat.