Jeff Goldblum Is Somebody’s Husband For The Third Time

When 62-year-old tall drink of hot grandpa Jeff Goldblum got engaged to his 31-year-old aerialist/contortionist/actress (aka the most L.A. job title of all-time) girlfriend of 3 years Emilie Livingston last July, hos who have always been hard up for his hot fly dick dribbled out a little tear. Well, those tears are dribbling out again, because Jeff and Emilie (who kind of looks like the love child of a brown-headed Lisa Kudrow and a serene ostrich) got married in L.A. over the weekend.

UsWeekly says that Jeff made Emilie his third wife at the Chateau Marmont on Saturday night. Yeah, at the Chateau Marmont. Bitches are full L.A. If only they got married 2 years ago, Emilie could’ve been serenaded down the aisle by the sound of Lindsay Lohan screaming at her dealer for ripping her off or screaming at James Franco to let her in his room. But anyway, Emilie and Jeff’s guests weren’t serenaded by LiLo’s whiny screams, but UsWeekly says that he played piano for all of them.

“It was a night filled with love, music, and lots of laughs,” the insider says of the wedding, adding that Goldblum played piano and sang for his wife during the reception.

Jeff Goldbum was married to actress Patricia Gaul from 1980 to 1986 and a year after their divorce, he made it legal with Geena Davis. Their marriage died 3 years later in 1990.

Some might be throwing looks of cold judgement at Jeff Goldblum because he’s probably got ass hairs that are older than his current wife. But that age difference is nothing for him. He used to fuck around with Alex from Lost when she was just 22. Besides, I’m sure Jeff and his new bride will tell you that she’s an “old soul” and he’s a “young soul” so it evens out. I just hope these two stay married long enough to do a naked beach photo-op, because I need an updated picture of (NSFW) Jeff Goldbum’s peen.

Here’s Jeff Goldblum looking like an Amish hipster dad while shopping for stuff with Emilie at The Grove a couple of weeks ago.

Jeff Goldblum Gave An Engagement Ring To His 31-Year-Old Gymnast Girlfriend

I have so many Gold-digger jokes cued up in my brain, I might have an aneurism.

61-year-old Jeff Goldblum slipped a hitchin’ ring on the finger of his 31-year-old girlfriend Emilie Livingston and asked her to be his third wife, thus ending his two-and-a-half decade-long quest to sample every pussy in America. Emilie, who is a former gymnast and aspiring actress, tweeted that Jeff proposed to her in an Ok Store by telling her to pick out a ring. Yes, it was that easy; I think we just found the keynote speaker at this years gold digger convention. Then, like a shameless digger do, she hopped on Instagram to post a picture of the ring:

Sure, it’s not that big, but remember – a good gold digger is all about the long game. Start out small, work your way up. Get money bitch, but not all at once.

Jeff Goldblum has stuck it in nearly every famous ho in Hollywood (every SAG-AFTRA membership card comes with a Polaroid of his penis with the words “Call me” written on the back) so I’m shocked that he’s chosen to settle down. Something is very wrong here. Jeff Goldblum is supposed to be out every night cruising random hipster bars for 20-something models and trying to lure them back to his bachelor pad by asking them in that smooth panty-dropping voice of his if they’d like to see the grey underwear he wore in The Fly. It’s too early for a slut like Jeff Goldblum to hang a “SORRY, DICK CLOSED” sign on his junk.

Then again, I’m torn, because as much as I love seeing a true blue pussy hound, I also love a shameless wallet-humping trick living the dream. Here’s Jeff Goldblum and the woman gold diggers across the universe (yes, even the jealous money-chasing alien sluts of Blorg 6) are raising a glass to today out for lunch in Hollywood last week:

Pics: Twitter, Splash

The Future President Of The United States And The Future First Lady At The Correspondents Dinner

The White House Corespondents Dinner (aka the event that Sarah Palin rage watches on TV every year like a lonely 11th grader sitting all alone in her car parked in the lot of the prom she wasn’t invited to)  happened in DC last night and it’s usually a real trash heap of an event filled with gutter skanks like Kim Kardashian, Lindsay Lohan and Spencer Pratt. But they decided to switch things up this year and bring in some real stars and beauty! Sure, there were still some hos there whose one brain cell would spit out an error 405  if you asked them to spell “correspondents” (see: Jessica Simpson), but the presence of ROJO CALIENTE made up for that!

Rojo Caliente blessed the WHCD with her glorious gingerness last night, because she’s in politics now and it’s only a matter of time before she’s voted in as President and moves into the White House (sorry, Hillary). Our future First Lady Cynthia Nixon was Rojo’s date and judging by that dress, we know her focus will be recycling when she moves into the White House. Because you know that ratty couch from the 60s your hoarding memaw just couldn’t let go of and put on the back porch where it became a bed to the raccoons who troll around her yard? Well, Cynthia Nixon ripped the fabric off of that back porch couch and used it to make the dress she wore last night.

Believe it or not, last night’s events weren’t canceled so that everyone could watch Rojo eat and slowly sip champagne. The events and jokes went on. Obama told jokes between two ferns!

And the poster child for good plugs Joel McHale told jokes too!

But the real entertainment came from watching the beige polyester panties of all the old people bunch up into their ass cheeks as they got highly offended by Joel’s jokes.

And here’s a few pictures from last night’s nerd prom including my best dressed of the night Rose McGowan who delivered some boudoir chic by wrapping a black silk sheet around a teddy.

Pics: Getty, Splash

Open Post: Hosted By Adrien Brody And The Dudes Of The Grand Budapest Hotel Premiere

Doesn’t that picture make you want to drop your chonies, bend over the hood of a gold Cutlass Supreme and take long drags from a cherry-flavored cigarillo while Midnight Star’s “Curious” plays on the radio?

The always fashionably-challenged afghan hound Adrien Brody dropped several dozen drops of his signature “sleazy lothario” swag at the premiere of The Grand Budapest Hotel at Lincoln Center in NYC last night. That lazily applied powder. That pucker. That $2 red shiny suit that’s begging for a sex stain. Now I know what that crazy, desperate slag Kaley Cuoco was going on about. Because that right there is the kind of man you’d move into your apartment the day after your first blind date. Then the day after that, he’d break up with you and as he was walking out the door for the final time, he’d throw you a farewell wink that’ll make your genitals drop and you wouldn’t even care that he had your TV in his arms and the money you kept in the freezer in his back pocket. Take my money and break my heart.

Here’s more of Adrien Brody looking like an extra from Casino last night and I also threw in pictures of Bill Murray, Willem Dafoe, Jeff Goldblum and others. May the panty creaming begin!