I have so many Gold-digger jokes cued up in my brain, I might have an aneurism.
61-year-old Jeff Goldblum slipped a hitchin’ ring on the finger of his 31-year-old girlfriend Emilie Livingston and asked her to be his third wife, thus ending his two-and-a-half decade-long quest to sample every pussy in America. Emilie, who is a former gymnast and aspiring actress, tweeted that Jeff proposed to her in an Ok Store by telling her to pick out a ring. Yes, it was that easy; I think we just found the keynote speaker at this years gold digger convention. Then, like a shameless digger do, she hopped on Instagram to post a picture of the ring:
Sure, it’s not that big, but remember – a good gold digger is all about the long game. Start out small, work your way up. Get money bitch, but not all at once.
Jeff Goldblum has stuck it in nearly every famous ho in Hollywood (every SAG-AFTRA membership card comes with a Polaroid of his penis with the words “Call me” written on the back) so I’m shocked that he’s chosen to settle down. Something is very wrong here. Jeff Goldblum is supposed to be out every night cruising random hipster bars for 20-something models and trying to lure them back to his bachelor pad by asking them in that smooth panty-dropping voice of his if they’d like to see the grey underwear he wore in The Fly. It’s too early for a slut like Jeff Goldblum to hang a “SORRY, DICK CLOSED” sign on his junk.
Then again, I’m torn, because as much as I love seeing a true blue pussy hound, I also love a shameless wallet-humping trick living the dream. Here’s Jeff Goldblum and the woman gold diggers across the universe (yes, even the jealous money-chasing alien sluts of Blorg 6) are raising a glass to today out for lunch in Hollywood last week: