January Jones Is Eating Her Placenta

After January Jones’ baby Xavier Dane came out of her coochie in a block of ice and she chiseled him out, her frozen placenta slid out on a plate of dry ice. Just like all bitches (and some human moms) do, January decided to eat her placenta. But instead of turning it into a placenta bear to terrorize her baby forever or blending it with some rum (a placentarita!), January dried it with her ice cold bitch glare and turned it into vitamins. January tells People that her doula said placenta pills are like nature’s Prozac!

“I have a great doula who makes sure I’m eating well, with vitamins and teas, and with placenta capsulation.

Your placenta gets dehydrated and made into vitamins. It’s something I was very hesitant about, but we’re the only mammals who don’t ingest our own placentas. It’s not witch-crafty or anything! I suggest it to all moms!”

I usually stuff myself with meat instead of the other way around, but if I popped out a placenta, would I stir fry it with some Hamburger Helper and serve it at a BBQ or some shit? Probably not. Would I pull a January and swallow that in a pill? Probably. Why not? I mean, January does have a point about the animal thing. I try to do whatever my dog does. My dog licks ass, I lick ass. My dog eats barf, I eat McDonald’s….

January And Child

Parts of JFK had to be thawed out this past weekend after stone cold ice queen January Jones strut through with her 6-month-old son Xander Jones. The National Enquirer, Star Magazine, InTouch and all those other tabloid hos shouldn’t be able to sleep at night, because it’s been MONTHS and they still haven’t told us who’s sending January a child support check every month! How do they live with themselves?!

You know, most babies look like skin blobs with cheeks to me, so I’m not the one to say that Xander’s got Matthew Vaughn’s hairline or Jason Sudeikis’ ear lobes or Bobby Flay’s lashes or Xander Berkley’s left nostril or Jim Bob Duggar’s graceful demeanor. Yeah, I know Jim Bob wasn’t on the list of January’s possible baby daddies, but whenever I see a white kid and I don’t know who their father is, I just assume it’s Jim Bob Duggar.

And you might be wondering if January Fergie-ed herself on the flight, but that isn’t piss running down her leg. January just forgot to wear her dry ice bra on the flight, so her frozen heart melted and ran down her leg. That’s all.

The Mystery Of January Jones’ Baby Father Lives On

One of the world’s greatest modern mysteries behind “What is that shit Taco Bell puts between a taco shell?” will not be answered today. January Jones is not unmasking the face of the dude who owned the sperm fish that took a chisel to the frozen shell that surrounds her icy ovary egg and pushed itself in. TMZ says that the birth certificate of her son, Xander Dane Jones, is completely blank on the spot where the daddy’s name goes. Basically, January pretty much wrote: “If I did know, I still wouldn’t tell you prying cunts.”

The names Matthew Vaughn, Bobby Flay, Xander Berkley and Jason Sudeikis have all been thrown around as possibilities for the dude who will answer his door in 18 years to find a half ice cube, half human asking him, “Are you my daddy?” But I hope January keeps her face lips shut about this shit. January’s heart is as frozen as a lima bean bag left in a hoarder’s freezer and she’s the kind of cunt that gives Heather Mills an inferiority complex, so this little bit of daddy mystery only makes me love her ice cold ass even more.

But we all know why January is really keeping the identity of her baby’s father a secret from the public. January lets out a bitchified smile every time she thinks of Maury Povich waking up in the middle of the night with the cold sweats because he knows he will never ever live to see the day where he gets to publicly tell the true dad of January’s baby that he IS the father.

January: 1, Maury: ziiiiilch

Even Children Know That January Jones Is An Ice Cold Ice Queen

Score another point for January Jones as the Ice Cold Cunt Queen of the Century! (Heather Mills, you better peg a baby bunny in the face before JJ passes you up.) January Jones, the crab apple of my pink eye, has dared to throw hate at the human Fozzie Bear Zach Galivakankanawhatever and said that the high school girls ignored the words of Kelly LeBrock and hated JJ because she’s beautiful.

And now January’s former TV son is telling TV Guide (via Access Hollywood) in so many words that she’s about as warm as getting a crushed ice enema in the freezer room of a North Woods. This is what Jared Gilmore, who left his role on Mad Men for another show, had to say when TV Guide asked him to give some advice to the boy who will replace him as Bobby Draper:

“Be careful around January [Jones]. She’s not as approachable as the others. She’s really serious about what she does. Everyone else is so nice.”

Children are usually straight up, so when a kid thinks you’re a bitch, you’re a for real bitch from the bottom of the B to the top of the H. Add January Jones’ name to the list of things kids hate next to forest witches and sashimi. January should be proud. That’s like getting a stamp of bitch authenticity.

I can’t wait until January births out a block of ice that the doctors will have to chip at with a chisel to pull out her baby, because she’s going to be the best mother ever. And by that I mean her kid is going to write the best sequel to Mommie Dearest ever.

Matthew Vaughn Denies He’s The Father Of January Jones’ Unborn Baby

Matthew Vaughn says to take a Sharpie to his name and cross it off the list of dudes who may have made a baby with January Jones. Matthew’s lawyer tell E! News that he never stepped out on his wife, Claudia Schiffer, with January and is definitely not the father of her unborn baby. You probably didn’t read a word I typed since you were too busy trying to solve the puzzle that is Matthew Vaughn’s hedgehog hairline.

CDAN ran a blind item last night that pretty much named Matthew Vaughn as the father. Then today, E! News had sources telling them that Matthew and January were very close on the set of X-Men, which he directed. Sources also said that something in the milk looks like Matthew’s sperm, because he and Claudia rented a house in Beverly Hills and were supposed to stay there until May. But as soon as January announced that she was knocked up, they moved out and went back to England. Claudia’s rep said they were scheduled to go back at that time, because of their children’s school schedule.

Then the plot thickened (yes, I pictured the same thing you pictured) when Matthew didn’t show up to X-Men’s screening in NYC last night. January was there, but Matthew’s rep said that he was suffering from tonsillitis. And then after E! ran the story, Matthew’s lawyers shut their shit down and said in their best Maury voice that he’s not the father.

Is Matthew trying to tell me that he didn’t do down low sex shit with January and when he broke it off, she dramatically told him in an ice cold cunt tone that she’s having his baby whether he likes it or not! Is Matthew also trying to tell me that January didn’t calmly call his wife in front of him while rubbing her stomach in a way that said, “….and I’ll name my baby Matthew…” Is Matthew trying to tell me none of this happened? Damn. Damn. Damn. Just when January Jones was starting to become my new hero….

And here’s January walking around in NYC today. I can’t even look at her anymore!

The Time January Jones Was A Bitch To Zach Galifianakis

If Zach Galifanakis sat next to me at a table, I’d make an “I Love You” pillow out of dinner napkins and ketchup so he could hold it like a Valentine’s Day teddy bear. One thing I wouldn’t do is douse him with ice cold bitchiness, but apparently that’s exactly what January Jones did when the two first met. January has said in interviews that she’s a fan of Zach’s work, so Shortlist (via DS) asked him if he’d ever do a fake fuck scene with her in a movie.

“I wouldn’t want to. I’d hate it. I’ve only had to do a few of those things where you have to kiss and stuff. It’s so embarrassing.”

And then Zach went on…

“If I remember correctly, she and I were very rude to each other. It was crazy. I was at a party – I’d never met her – and she was like, ‘Come sit down’. So I sit at her table, and [we] talk for ten minutes, and she goes, ‘I think it’s time for you to leave now’.

So I say, ‘January, you are an actress in a show and everybody’s going to forget about you in a few years, so fucking be nice’, and I got up and left. And she thinks that’s funny?”

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAAA!

Zach and January should hang out for ten minutes more often, because this is gold and they really bring out the best in each other!

January is on a cunt roll lately. First, with the “excuse my beauty” comment and now she’s dismissing bitches from her presence with the wave of a hand. Oh, how I love her. I just want to chill a Corona on her icy skin and then pop it open on her sharp ass tongue. And I also love that she will probably teach her unborn child the ways of an ice cold cunt queen. There will be cut eyes and tongue slaps in the future and we have January Jones to thank for that!