So, This Was A Thing That Happened Last Night…

Don’t worry, that giant hair clog you fished out of the shower drain didn’t come to life; it’s actually Miley Cyrus just looking like one while performing on Saturday Night Live last night. Everybody’s favorite hollerin’ high-billy was the host of the 41st season premiere of SNL and – this will be shocking to absolutely no one – Miley went full Miley. Sorry, that’s not technically true; she didn’t “accidentally” flash her nipples or rub her pickled pork rinds against the Weekend Update desk. But she did look a mess and brag about smoking ~so much~ weed like your badass 14 year old cousin, so that’s just about full Miley to me.

In case you missed it (“I wouldn’t say I missed it” said everyone), the Moonshine Princess sang two songs off her Miley Cyrus & Her Dead Petz album, the first of which she performed while dressed in some home-made “Cousin Itt at Burning Man” couture. You can watch that here, but I will warn you: you will feel very itchy.

She also opened the show in one your granny’s old Easter Sunday cast-offs and sang about all the Rachel Dolezals and Lion-Hunting Dentists we met over the summer.

Damn, Aidy Bryant does a better Kim Davis than Kim Davis. Speaking of, I’m sure that delusional bitch has already sent out a blast mail from her GeoCities account to all her friends letting them know that she was totally invited to SNL last night.

Of course, it wasn’t all Miley (despite her best efforts); SNL also came for Taylor Swift’s chronic friend collecting. Well, there goes Mango’s chance of ever being please welcome to the stage‘d by Tay Tay. Lorne Michaels, how could you? You know he would have loved that.

In case your eyes haven’t seen enough of Miley looking like drugs farted on high-fructose corn syrup, here’s Miley wearing the contents of my favorite sticker book from third grade at the SNL afterparty:

Pics: NBC, Splash/INF

In “So Shocking” News: January Jones Spent A Comic-Con Party Looking Miserable

Apparently Ben Affleck wasn’t the only one working a hardcore frown game at Comic-Con this weekend. According to Page Six, resting bitch face hall of famer January Jones was seen at a party for the movie Self/Less during Comic-Con, and shock of all shocks, she looked like she’d rather be getting a fire ant enema. A source from the party, who no doubt had to be treated for second degree frostbite burns on their eyeballs after looking directly into her ice queen stare, tells Page Six that January “appeared absolutely miserable” and that she spent the night sucking on an e-cig.

“She was in a really foul mood and sat by herself, chain-smoking an e-cigarette while her friends danced. She was completely disinterested, and no one knew why she was there.”

Maybe January was acting like such a Debbie Downer, because she knew she was at a party for a movie that will someday see the inside of the $0.99 DVD bin at Walmart.

I don’t blame January for being in a shit mood all night. I blame the people throwing that party. January Jones was a test, and they FAILED. January Jones is the closest thing we have to a current-day Sword in the Stone situation. If notoriously not-into-it January Jones is at your party looking like the WASP version of Grumpy Cat, that’s a challenge to turn that frown upside down. You do what it takes: booze, topless hunks, more e-cigs. And on the day that January does crack a smile, the curse of her chronic grouch face will be slain, and the person responsible will be our new lord and king.

Pic: Wenn.com

Kim Kardashian Helped Konvince Kylie Jenner To Get Lip Injections

“I am SHOCKED!!!“…is what I would say if this news wasn’t the definition of DUH. Although, to be honest, I am a little surprised it wasn’t Pimp Mama Kris who convinced Kylie Jenner to stuff her lips full of fillers. But that’s what happens when you spend 90% of your day in the Kardashian Khompound’s ‘lower office’ (aka the 7th circle of Hell) kounting your kash and brainstorming new ways to pimp out your family with Satan’s public relations expert; you really start to forget about the things that truly matter, like encouraging your 17-year-old to get plastic surgery.

During an interview with Access Hollywood, (via People), Kim Kardashian admitted that she helped prepare Kylie for the Kardashian family initiation ritual of walking into a surgeon’s office and asking for whatever looks the least natural. In Kylie’s case, it was having a hunk of CyberClean injected into her lips. But she totally did it out of love, you guys!

“I saw how for so many years she was so insecure about [her lips]. I mean, at 10 years old, she would say to me, ‘How come my lips aren’t big like you guys?’ And I would see this insecurity … For me, I gave her advice and I still stand by that advice. I think it changed her confidence so much.”

To be fair, that’s not really specific to Kylie; I’m sure if any of us grew up around a pack of drowsy-faced silicone-enthusiasts, we’d start to question why we didn’t look like them too.

But what I really want to know is what other procedures Kim pitched to Kylie. “Are you sure you just want to stick to lips? You know you get a discount if you bundle lips, ass, and tits, right? Plus, they’ll throw in a complimentary nose job.”

Speaking of more rubber than a new set of tires, here’s Kim giving the nannies a 10-second break by picking North West from a dance class yesterday, as well as Kourtney Kardashian and Penelope Disick working the hell out of a super cool birthday cake hat.

Pics: Wenn.com

Tiger Woods And Lindsey Vonn Might Have Called It Quits Because He Was Cheating On Her

“That better be sweat glistening on your face, you coochie-chasing club-swinging ho” is what I like to imagine Lindsey Vonn was thinking while staring at Tiger Woods. Who knows? If the Daily Mail is correct, there’s a good chance she was. A “close friend” tells the Daily Mail that the reason one of boring’s favorite couples recently broke up is because he slipped his 5 wood into another hole (I know that makes zero sense, but golf metaphors are hard). The point is, I’m sure we’re all so absolutely shocked that a notorious cheater would get caught cheating. I’m shocked!

Apparently it happened after Tiger was eliminated from the Farmer’s Insurance Open in February. Tiger was super bummed out, so he decided to drown his sorrows in strange snatch. Unfortunately, he was about as discreet as a fart ripped during a fuck; someone spotted him with his one-night side piece, so he decided to confess to Lindsey that she’s basically his Elin Nordegren 2.0. But according to their source, it totally didn’t mean anything:

“Yes, Tiger cheated again. But it wasn’t with anyone special. He really wanted Lindsey to be the one. But he blew it again. He can’t help himself. He’s got an addiction. He relapsed. Knowing Tiger, he doesn’t even see it as cheating because there’s no romance or feeling there. It’s just a stress reliever, like a high-ball or two after a bad day.”

Usually when I want to relax after a long day, I crawl into bed with a box of red wine and listen to Ambien-voiced angel Bob Ross. But sneaking behind my partner’s back to fuck a stranger works too, I guess. At least there’s a clear pattern now; if you are a blonde woman whose last name ends with an N and you’re humping on Tiger Woods on a full-time basis and he starts to get a little stressed out, he WILL Calgon-take-his-peen-away to another pussy.

Working Together Made Things Messy Between Charlize Theron And Sean Penn

While the world’s top neurologists work tirelessly to find a cure for dickmatization, Charlize Theron continues to baffle everyone by talking about angry mummified hot dog Sean Penn without using the words “I know, I don’t know why either.” Although she did recently admit to Elle UK that things got a bit dramatic with her maybe fiance when they decided to work together. That sound you just heard was every filing cabinet drawer being yanked open to the file marked Surprising, Things Which Are Not.

Charlize and Sean decided to give their relationship the future kiss of death by filming a movie together called The Last Face. Sean Penn is directing Charlize, and it sounds like it’s going about as well as working with Sean Penn would be.

“Putting aside that he’s my partner, he’s the love of my life; for the first time, I felt that my work was really bleeding into my life and that made it hard. There were moments where I was incredibly unfair to him. And moments where I felt like…he was incredibly unfair to me. But it makes you realize that no matter how complicated it gets, the priority is the relationship.”

Now is the time I wish more people wrote tell-alls, because I would 100% read a tell-all from the set of The Last Face. The things that craft services table has seen! I really need to know if any of those “unfair” moments involved shoving a cellphone inside a tuna salad on rye and whipping it at someone’s face.

Here’s more of Charlize looking all ~moody~ in Elle UK:

Patrick Dempsey Is Still Surprised About What Happened On Grey’s Anatomy Last Night

SPOILER ALERT if you haven’t seen this shit and plan on it. Speaking of, for those of you looking at this picture of McDreamy at the wheel and thinking “Wait, is this a spoiler?“, no! Of course not! He’s just swinging through the drive-thru at McDonalds for a 6-pack of nuggets and an extra large sweet tea.

Earlier in the week, a rumor started going around that Shonda Rhimes was planning a one-way trip for Patrick Dempsey on the Unemployment Express because he was acting like an entitled diva on the set of Grey’s Anatomy. Patrick’s character was half written out of the show by sending his ass to Washington D.C., but Washington was apparently not far enough for Shonda Rhimes, so Shonda gave Dr. Derek Shepherd the Poochie treatment by making him get into a car accident and killing his ass off the show. When someone is dead to Shonda Rhimes they are truly fucking dead to Shonda Rhimes.

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