Right before the meaning of true love’s heart completely crushed from the weight of the Jeremy Renner divorce news, it barfed up most of its insides from hearing that Charlize Theron may really be engaged to burnt pizza bubble Sean Penn.
I can’t believe that Charlize’s bad decision (aka fucking Sean Penn repeatedly) has been going on for a year. Time really does fly when you’re wet heaving up chunks of half-digested food while picture Sean Penn snort coke off of Charlize’s coochie lips. Rumors about Charlize getting engaged to Sean Penn shat up all over the internet in July, but she quickly denied that mess. But UsWeekly (via Refiner29) says that the Mowry-hating Wicked Witch of Soul Cycle really is engaged to a piece of angry salmon jerky.
During a vacation to Paris last month, Sean asked Charlize to take the relationship to the “next level.” Now, if a boyfriend asks me if I want to take it to the “next level,” I’d guess that either he wants my HBO GO password or he wants to do ass-to-mouth. But Sean wants to make Charlize his third wife. The source said that Charlize said yes even though he didn’t give her a ring. A different source tells E! News that they’re not engaged yet, but they’re talking about weddings a lot.
I think I’ve burned at least 80,000 calories from wrinkling my face while judging Charlize for proudly humping on that burnt piece of steak fat left on the grill, so I thank her for that, I guess. I’m past the point of judging her (HA! I actually typed that with a serious face), so I’ll just say that Sean Penn must cum pure coke and I hope that she lives in a furniture-less yurt free of chairs.