Category: I’m Not Surprised
Katt Williams Got Arrested In Georgia Again
Somewhere, the silky-haired ghost of Katt Williams Past is judging current-day Katt Williams like, “All these mugshots are not a good look for you, boo boo.”
TMZ says that Katt Williams was arrested in Georgia yesterday. And I’m about to tell you something that might shock you, so you better sit down: It wasn’t for punching someone. I can barely believe it myself. The Hall County Sheriff’s Office tells TMZ that Katt was arrested after weed and weapons were found inside his house.
The reason for why the cops were searching his home is crazier than the actual arrest. It all started on March 1 (the same the day Katt punched a “rapper“ in Los Angeles), when one of his bodyguards went to the police claiming that Katt had roughed him up and threatened to kill him. According to WSB-TV Atlanta, Feral Katt was pissed that his bodyguard, Corey Dixon, refused to do some illegal shit for him, so he allegedly had one of his minions choke and beat Corey with a baseball bat while he watched.
When the police raided Katt’s house Tuesday morning, they found “large quantities” of weed and several firearms. Katt was arrested for the following: aggravated assault, terroristic threats, false imprisonment, as well as possession of drugs and weapons. 24-year-old Tatiana Smith, the person who Katt ordered to beat and choke his bodyguard, was also arrested for her involvement.
I always thought it was weird that Katt Williams was friends with Suge Knight, because on the outside, it seemed like they really didn’t have much in common. As it turns out, they have plenty in common. Like arranging hits on their enemies and watching while it goes down. Or this could just be Katt filling in for Suge while he’s on the inside. I wasn’t watching closely when Suge Knight shuffled off to jail, so I could have missed the moment when he crouched down and passed the sadistic monster torch to Katt Williams on the way in.
Gwen Stefani Admits The Obvious: “Make Me Like You” Is About Blake Shelton
You’d think that since Gwen Stefani has been just so subtle during the four months she’s been with Blake Shelton (see: Gwen Stefani done up like Monster Truck Rally Barbie above), that she would be above a tacky stunt like using a song to keep people interested in her relationship. But apparently you’d be wrong! Gwen Stefani was on Jimmy Kimmel Live! last night to promote her new album “I’m Drying My Divorce Tears On A Cowboy’s Dick” and perform the latest single, “Make Me Like You.” She also talked about the music video she filmed live during the Grammys for “Make Me Like You“, in which she dances in front of a neon sign that says Blake’s.
I guess that neon sign too subtle for Jimmy Kimmel, or maybe he’s been in a coma for the last four months and thus missed Gwen and Blake’s hardcore PR blitz of a relationship, because he asked Gwen if “Make Me Like You” was about Blake. You might want to sit down for this one, because this truth is bound to shake you to the core. Gwen answered that, yes, it’s totally about her second boyfriend ever Blake.
A giant glowing neon sign with your current boyfriend’s name on it is pretty good way to get some attention, but I think Gwen can go bigger for her next music video. Maybe the next one is set in a tattoo parlor and features a character named Jake (because = subtle) getting a portrait of a pregnant platinum blonde pin-up surrounded by spiderwebs and oranges with the words “Is This Gwen? Maybe!” on his heart.
Here’s Gwen before Jimmy Kimmel Live! last night with her third kid, as well as Gwen dressed like a Bedrock THOT during the performance of “Make Me Like You.”
Pics: Splash
Chris Brown Has Been Accused Of Punching A Woman In Las Vegas
I don’t know if the Guinness people keep track of this kind of thing, but surely this is some kind of world record. Less than 48 hours into the new year, and already we have our first “Chris Brown went Chris Brown on someone” story of 2016. According to TMZ, a woman named Liziane Gutierrez is claiming that Chris Brown punched her in the face during a private party in his suite at the Palms in Las Vegas early this morning. Chris was in Las Vegas for a performance at Drai’s last night.
Liziane Gutierrez says it happened after she tried to take a picture of him. Apparently she was able to sneak her cellphone into the party without his security team noticing, so she decided to take a picture. Why you would want a picture of Chris Brown’s face, I don’t know. But she did, and and once he noticed she had taken a picture, he allegedly started screaming at her and punched her once in her right eye.
TMZ says Liziane left the party and called the police, but she wasn’t taken to the hospital. The police tell TMZ they’re currently investigating this mess, and confirm that Chris Brown is the suspect. A rep for Chris Brown says the allegations are “undeniably untrue.”
All of this is still in the ‘alleged’ stage right now, so not too many details are known. But one thing we do know for sure is this: that Chris Brown’s sober companion Scott Disick is doing a shitty fucking job of keeping his ass out of trouble.
Here’s Chris Brown looking like the long-lost member of The Midnight Society a few hours before it allegedly all went down.
It Was Really Only A Matter Of Time….
I don’t know the name of the puppetmaster in charge of Gwen Stefani and Blake Shelton’s relationship, but I think it’s safe to say they deserve the biggest of holiday bonuses and their own wing in the Shameless Hall of Fame for this.
For the past two months, Gwen Stefani and Blake Shelton have been working their post-divorce rebound love like the rent is two months overdue, and I naturally just assumed those predictable bitches would save a pregnancy rumor for sweeps week in February. But Gwen and Blake’s chronic dehydration is clearly much worse than we thought, and those thirsty tricks couldn’t wait. According to In Touch, Gwen Stefani is knocked-up with Blake Shelton’s baby. A source says that Gwen and Blake are “overjoyed“, adding that Blake “always wanted to have kids and now his dream is coming true.”
If this shit is true, this will be 46-year-old Gwen’s fourth kid and 39-year-old Blake’s first. No word on when Gwen will announce this completely true and not-at-all manufactured in the marketing department at The Voice news, but I’m sure it will involve a spinning red chair, with Gwen revealing the gender during a public FaceTime call at Disneyland.
The cynic in me side-eyed this “breaking news” so hard I sprained a corneal nerve. But the wine-drunk optimist in me just realized that if this news is true, then we’re less than 9 months away from one of Gwen’s signature bonkers baby names. If Gwen’s latest “Have I mentioned I’m dating a country boy?” couture is any indication, I fully expect her to bring the Hee Haw hard. Personally, my money is on either Skoal Boot Reba (buckshot noise) Walmart Stefani-Shelton, or TheVoiceMondaysandTuesdaysat8pmonNBC.
Guess What Happened To Jimmy Fall Last Night?
I’m going to give you three guesses as to why we’re talking about Jimmy Fallon today:
1. He accidentally busted something
2. He accidentally busted something
3. He accidentally busted something
If you answered “…yeah, and was booze involved?“, you’d be correct! Jimmy Fallon, seen above in some truly lazy Jolly Green Giant cosplay, fell down and busted one of his fingers at Harvard University on Saturday night. Jimmy was being honored by the Harvard Lampoon, and People says it happened while they were celebrating in the street. According to a source, Jimmy was holding a bottle of Jaegermeister and he tripped over a random girl who was kneeling down in front of him. There you have it; further proof that Jaegermeister will always fuck you up.
After Jimmy ate shit in the street, he hauled ass to Massachusetts General Hospital and got his busted finger fixed up. And then shortly after that, he posted a picture of it on Instagram.
That’s not that bad. I mean, it’s certainly not as bad as the time he broke his front tooth on a tube of scar tissue gel. And it’s definitely not as bad as the time he slipped on a rug and almost tore his finger off. And no, I’m not talking about the severity of his injury; I’m talking about the reason why it happened. “Tripped over a random girl (totally random, no idea, never met her) who was kneeling in front of him while holding (not drinking, just holding, probably for a friend) a bottle of Jaeger” isn’t nearly the worst excuse he’s come up with. Yes, I’m looking at you, broke a tooth on a tube of scar tissue gel excuse.
This is Jimmy’s third trip to the hospital in four months. Forget a Harvard Lampoon award, can we get Jimmy fitted for a bubble suit or something? At the very least, give him a set of foam Hulk hands. Jimmy, you need to stop breaking shit in your hands!
Pics: Jimmy Fallon
Randy Quaid Got Arrested While Trying To Cross The U.S. Border
No, that dog has nothing to do with this story. I just figured that if we had to look at Randy Quaid’s greasy Santa-on-bath salts face, we should also get a cute fluffy doggie to cleanse our eyeballs with.
Two days after he was arrested by Canadian Border officials for being an immigration-dodging mess, Cousin Eddie has been arrested by American Border officials. I know, you totally didn’t see this one coming, right? CBC News says Vermont State Troopers (please tell me it was Ramathorn and Womack) slapped Randy Quaid and his partner in crazy times, Evi Quaid, with a pair of handcuffs when they tried to slink across the U.S./Canadian border at 8pm last night. Yes, Randy was trying to flee Canada after he was deemed that he wasn’t a flight risk. I guess Randy was trying to pull a “You can’t deport me if I deport myself” power move or something.
Both Randy and Evi were detained and a judge has set their bail at $50,000 each. No word on why Evi was arrested as well, since she’s not exactly the one up for deportation. But I’m sure there’s probably some law on the books about skipping town with your husband who was specifically told to sit tight while they decided what day to send his ass back to California.
I have no idea why Randy and Evi couldn’t just wait for Canada to tell them when it was time to pack their bags and GTFO. So impatient, those two! Personally, I would have stayed in Montreal as long as they would let me just so I could stuff my face with as many Montreal bagels as possible. Border security would need at least three of their strongest employees to drag my ass out. If you’ve ever had a Montreal bagel, you know what I’m talking about. It’s like wood-fired poppy seed-covered crack. If I was about to be deported from the land of bagels, I’d run off to the nearest St-Viateur and eat till I shat circular bagel-shaped poops.
In the event you want to see the newest pictures for Randy and Evi’s mug shot collection, they’re after the cut.