Randy and Evi Quaid (seen above in less-bonkers times) have been living that suspicious conspiracy theorist life for a couple of years now. Randy and Evi went on the run after claiming to be the victims of high-powered Hollywood “Star Whackers” hell-bent on destroying their lives. They were deeply committed to their paranoia; really, all that was missing was Randy or Evi declaring they’d switched over to two tin cans on a string to prevent the Star Whackers from intercepting their phone calls. In a strange turn of events, it looks like Randy and Evi might have actually had someone listening to their phone calls.
Last week, Randy and Evi Quaid’s North American tour of craziness took us to Vermont where they were both busted for trying to get into the US all sneaky-like. Randy and Eve were being held on $500,000 bail each and it looked like they were going to be shipped off to California to face felony vandalism charges. But yesterday, the judge released them without bail after declaring that they were being held with no probable cause. No probable cause?! The probable cause is that they’re Randy and Evi Quaid and will flee that bitch faster than a Grindr trick after I take my shirt off. But really, The Burlington Free Press says that the judge in Vermont released them because there’s a problem with California’s extradition papers.
Evi and Randy ran off to Canada years ago after they were hit with felony vandalism and burglary charges for squatting in the guest house of a house in Santa Barbara that they once owned. Randy tried to apply for citizenship in Canada, but they denied it, because of the charges he faces in CA. Randy was recently arrested in Montreal, but was released. Canada was reportedly making plans to deport him to CA, but Randy and Evi escaped to Vermont before they could. And here we are now.
No, that dog has nothing to do with this story. I just figured that if we had to look at Randy Quaid’s greasy Santa-on-bath salts face, we should also get a cute fluffy doggie to cleanse our eyeballs with.
Two days after he was arrested by Canadian Border officials for being an immigration-dodging mess, Cousin Eddie has been arrested by American Border officials. I know, you totally didn’t see this one coming, right? CBC News says Vermont State Troopers (please tell me it was Ramathorn and Womack) slapped Randy Quaid and his partner in crazy times, Evi Quaid, with a pair of handcuffs when they tried to slink across the U.S./Canadian border at 8pm last night. Yes, Randy was trying to flee Canada after he was deemed that he wasn’t a flight risk. I guess Randy was trying to pull a “You can’t deport me if I deport myself” power move or something.
Both Randy and Evi were detained and a judge has set their bail at $50,000 each. No word on why Evi was arrested as well, since she’s not exactly the one up for deportation. But I’m sure there’s probably some law on the books about skipping town with your husband who was specifically told to sit tight while they decided what day to send his ass back to California.
I have no idea why Randy and Evi couldn’t just wait for Canada to tell them when it was time to pack their bags and GTFO. So impatient, those two! Personally, I would have stayed in Montreal as long as they would let me just so I could stuff my face with as many Montreal bagels as possible. Border security would need at least three of their strongest employees to drag my ass out. If you’ve ever had a Montreal bagel, you know what I’m talking about. It’s like wood-fired poppy seed-covered crack. If I was about to be deported from the land of bagels, I’d run off to the nearest St-Viateur and eat till I shat circular bagel-shaped poops.
In the event you want to see the newest pictures for Randy and Evi’s mug shot collection, they’re after the cut.
You probably read that headline question and looked at that picture and wondered, “Errr, doesn’t David Lee Crosby already live in the US and the hell kind of shit is he on?”
That’s Randy Quaid and he may be back inside the US as early as next week. We’ve all been warned. Randy was arrested in Montreal yesterday morning during one of his regular check-ups with Canada Border Services. When Randy’s application for permanent residency in Canada was denied in 2013 due to felony vandalism charges he faces in Santa Barbara, CA, he was supposed to go a hearing with the Immigration and Refugee Board. Randy farted on that hearing by not going. A warrant was issued for his arrest in 2013 and the police lost track of him and his batshit wife Evi Quaid until this past April. Randy was arrested and was later released on $10,000 bail. Randy had to check-in with Border Services regularly and that leads us up to him getting put into handcuffs again yesterday.
Almost 5 years ago, Canada heroically saved the lives of Randy and Evi Quaid from a murderous mafia known as the Star Whackers who had killed Heath Ledger and David Carradine and were coming after them next! (No, I don’t know why a bunch of star murderers would want to murder Randy Quaid, but that’s his story.) Evi, whose dad is Canadian, became a citizen and filed papers to sponsor Randy’s citizenship. Everything was maple syrup kisses and poutine dreams until today. Randy Quaid was arrested in Montreal today and he could be deported back to California. That screeching sound you hear is Dennis Quaid driving a U-Haul full of his family and shit from California to Mexico.
Yes, tapes as in plural, as in more than one clip, as in I watched them all. It’s official: I’ll watch almost anything with the words “sex tape” in its title. I even watched that shitty Sex Tape movie with Cameron Diaz and Jason Segel. That’s how desperate I am.
If you thought to yourself, “I want more,” after watching that bizarre and beyond WTF video of Randy Quaid dry humping his wife Evi as she wore a picture of Rupert Murdoch over her face, then congratulations, you’re sucio and also, your wish has come true in a major way. A tipster sent Gawker a link to a k-hole of fuckery where Canada’s own (they belong to you now, Canada) Randy and Evi Quaid get into some Fifty Shades of Why? shit before she star whacks him off and they take turns sucking on each other’s down low parts. When I watched Vegas Vacation almost 20 years ago, I didn’t think I’d ever see Cousin Eddie giving himself a double moustache by sucking on his wife’s furry cooch, but here we are.
On the page with all their videos on it, Randy tells everyone to enjoy the show and promises to send you his Star Whackers documentary if you snail mail him a dollar:
STAR WHACKERS This Impressionistic feature length documentary about the life and times of Randy Quaid is being released via vidme by Honor Code Tweet Twitter.com/@EviQuaid or Twitter.com/@RandyRRQuaid. Or you can email to: [email protected] that you have sent $1.00 CASH to the “Evi and Randy Quaid Not For Profit Passport Fund” at: E & R QUAID 3385 RIPTON ROAD LINCOLN, VT 05443 USA After Randy receives your promise by email or Twitter that you mailed $1.00 CASH. ENJOY THE SHOW.
If you really need to see Randy and Evi’s sex tape clips, click here. It might be a little hot if you pretend they’re George R.R. Martin and Courteney Cox. And yes, we’re all that dog barking non-stop in the background.