Category: I Can’t With You
Justin Bieber And Selena Gomez’s On-Again/Off-Again Relationship Might Be On-Again
Even though that picture looks like it was shot by Patterson-Gimlin and developed by Mr. Magoo in the trunk of a car, it only took me about 0.3 seconds to spot Selena Gomez. Because if there’s anything I’m good at, it’s recognizing people who should love themselves enough not to go to a Justin Bieber concert. Okay sure, that’s technically everyone in the picture above, but in this case, it’s specifically Selena Gomez.
A Woman Claims She Got Beat Up By A Gang Of Witches After Using Katt Williams’ Bathroom
Even for a Katt Williams story, there’s a whole hell of a lot to unpack here, so let’s get right to it. TMZ says that Lil’ Suge Knight has been sued by a woman named Jamila Majesty who claims that two years ago Katt ordered a beat down on her after she used his bathroom. Who knew Katt was so territorial about his litter box?
Amy Poehler’s Beverly Hills Mansion Is Sucking California Drier
“Hi, you thirsty, literally, haters!” – the Marie Antoinette of the California drought in that picture.
To the surprise of absolutely nobody, the city of Beverly Hills has been the worst when it comes to cutting back on using water during the California drought. It takes a whole lot of water to keep their gigantic ass lawns lush and green, their pools full and their pristine skin cleansed of the peasant germs that touch them when they go outside of their gates. The state of California put its cities on a water diet by forcing cutbacks by as much as 35%. The rich bitches of Beverly Hills were forced to reduce their water use by 32%. They have failed hard and didn’t meet their goal for four straight months. State water officials have fined the city and so the city is punching back at its citizens the old-fashioned way: PUBLIC SHAMING!
Teresa Giudice Is Still Really Good At Not Breaking The Law, I See…
To be fair, I’m sure it’s really difficult to read the list of “Do Not Dos” your lawyer gave you on the day you returned home from prison when you’ve got more artificial eyelashes than Lamb Chop stuck to your eyelids.
Less than one month after she was released from prison, Teresa Giudice is already breaking laws and trying to weasel her way out of trouble. “That’s my girl!” grunted Joe Giudice. TMZ says that on Thursday night, the human My Precious Puff almost had to call up the Danbury Federal Correctional Institution and tell them to put some fresh sheets on her bed. Teresa was leaving a red carpet event in New Jersey (don’t worry, I laughed at those words too) and realized she might not make her 10pm curfew. That’s uh-oh #1. So she hopped in an Uber and told her driver to haul ass. Of course, Teresa’s Uber got busted for speeding on the way home. That’s uh-oh #2.
As the police were talking to the Uber driver, Teresa piped up from the back seat and told them she was trying to get home by 10pm and it was her idea to drive like a mess. TMZ says that the police officer immediately recognized who she was, and agreed to let her go without a ticket because she had had such a shitty year.
Of course, this is just TMZ’s side of the story. I’m sure if you spoke to the police officer who caught them speeding, they would paint an entirely different picture. “Just as I started to write the driver a ticket, this horrible thing with crazy eyes popped up out of the backseat. All eyes and hair – I couldn’t tell where its forehead ended and its hairline started. I think it was The Babadook in low-budget New Jersey housewife drag. Anyways, it scared me so bad I damn near pissed my pants, so I let them go.”
Pic: Splash
Puck From Glee Has Been Arrested For Possession Of Child Pornography
Here’s a whole ten tons of gross for a Tuesday, and no, I’m not referring to the cloud of sleazy douche stank that’s wafting off that picture above. According to Crime Watch Daily (via Extra), Mark Salling – aka Puck from Glee – was arrested this morning by the LAPD for possession of child pornography. Feel free to run to the bathroom and start your Silkwood shower now.
Sources say that the LAPD Internet Crimes Against Children Task Force Unit served Puck with a search warrant at his home early this morning. TMZ says the police were tipped off by an ex-girlfriend. Obviously shit wasn’t good when they got inside, because he was arrested shortly after. Extra says the alleged newest member of the Famous Sick Fucks club (current acting president: Subway Jared) is currently being transported to jail, where he’ll be booked and things might get messier.
This isn’t Mark Salling’s first time calling his lawyer and asking to clear some space in their day planner. Almost three years ago, Mark was sued by his ex-girlfriend for allegedly forcing her to have sex without a condom and getting violent with her. Except this is the first time his lawyer can play the “I don’t know him” card in the event they want to pass their client (and this whole alleged possession of child porn business) off to someone else. And it’s not exactly like they’d be lying; hearing the words “I don’t know him” in the same sentence as “Puck from Glee” is probably a pretty common occurrence in 2015.
Pic: Wenn.com
Kourtney Kardashian Is Allegedly Humping On Justin Bieber
And the 2015 She Don’t Love Herself award goes to….
Back in October, Kourtney Kardashian – the stale old fashioned plain donut of the Kardashian family – was seen getting her single mom party on at a club with humanoid blue raspberry Go-Gurt tube Justin Bieber. At the time, I assumed Justin was interviewing for an entry-level position in the Kardashian Khorporation as a babysitter for Kourtney’s kids (you know, so she can get out to the clubs more than twice a week). But according to Gossip Cop, it turns out the only entry-level position she was auditioning for was – you know what? I can’t even finish that joke because it’s making me too nauseous just thinking about it.
36-year-old Kourtney and 21-year-old Justin were seen leaving a club on Friday night and going to Justin’s room at the Montage in Beverly Hills, where she didn’t leave until 4am. A source who’s name I’m sure doesn’t rhyme with Piss Penner tells Gossip Cop that they have been “casually hooking up” since hanging out in October. Yes, as in more than once. Even Kourtney’s deadbeat douchebag baby daddy Scott Disick is probably reacting to this news like “Him? Really?” Well, that or he’s flattered that his ex is rebounding with the Micro Machines version of himself.
This situation is all kinds of NO, but on the bright side, Kourtney won’t have to plan much if Justin decides to sleep over at her house on Christmas Eve. She still has a few days to write a letter to Santa and ask if he could throw a couple extra Legos in his sack. You know, so Justin doesn’t get jealous of Kourtney’s kids on Christmas morning and pout in the corner.
Here’s Kourtney and Justin leaving The Nice Guy on Friday night. I have no idea why Kourtney is dressed like an extra from Dynasty, but whatever the reason, I’m really bummed she didn’t go all out and feather the shit out the front of her hair. Ugh, so lazy this one.
Pics: Splash/INF