Teresa Giudice’s greedy gorilla hairline will never release its grasp on her twohead, but the federal prison system has finally released its grasp on her after 11 months. In a cell at the Danbury Federal Correctional Institution (aka the Orange is the New Black prison) in Connecticut this morning, the current reigning grand dame of trash from The Real Housewives of New Jersey laid her curly hair on a hot plate and used a pot to straighten it out, because she wanted to be paparazzi glamour ready for her triumphant stroll out of the clink. At around 5am, Teresa sashayed out of prison and delivered an “Excuse my prison bitch beauty” pose for the pap who just happened to be there:
— People magazine (@people) December 23, 2015
People says that Teresa’s chariot drove her directly to her Chateau de Tax Lien where she reunited with her fambly and they all bonded by doing their annual tradition of throwing Melissa’s crappy sprinkle cookies into the garbage. For the next 6 weeks, Teresa will be on home confinement and she has to wear an ankle bracelet, which I’m sure she’s bedazzling as I type this. Once she’s done with house arrest, she’ll start her two years of supervised release. TMZ says that Teresa and Bravo aren’t wasting any time. The Giudices’ 3-part shit show special was a hit for Bravo, so cameras will start filming Teresa’s post-prison life immediately.
Teresa’s husband Juicy Joe will start serving his 41 month sentence in March and after he’s done with that, he may be deported back to his native land of Skull Island. TMZ also has a picture of a brand new Lexus that was waiting for Teresa in the driveway. TMZ claims it wasn’t a “Welcome home, whore” present from that shifty-eyed Andy Cohen. Juicy Joe probably got it for her, because he was recently seen at a luxury car dealership in New Jersey. Teresa and Juicy Joe owe the government over $400,000 in restitution whore-ah for committing mortgage and bankruptcy fraud and they may have paid it off (bitch, please), but if they didn’t, who cares? Sure, Teresa can only drive that stupid SUV to get the mail, but she cannot be seen in a car she can actually afford. She can’t ruin her reputation as the most broke rich bitch in New Jersey.
You know what, though? That Lexus is really a Christmas gift to the federal agent who will feel warmth in their heart as Teresa cries off her orange face paint while her luxury SUV gets seized in a few weeks. Merry Christmas, feds!