Suki Waterhouse Is Pissed At The “Gossip Girl” Reboot For Calling Her Robert Pattinson’s “Nobody” Girlfriend
If you looked at the name Suki Waterhouse above, you may have thought to yourself, “Those Gossip Girl bitches better watch out because she’s got powers and shit and has taken down mega-powerful vampires.” Well, I need to tell you that’s Sookie Stackhouse you’re thinking of! You may have responded to that with, “Okay, well, those Gossip Girl tricks better watch out because I’ve seen her brawl on Jersey Shore.” That’s Snooki! And you may have responded to that with, “Oh, okay, um, well, those Gossip Girl dick wipes better watch out because she’s a major accounting firm with billions of dollars and can sue them broke!” That’s PricewaterhouseCoopers! We’re talking about Suki Waterhouse the actress who has been in Pride and Prejudice and Zombies, Assassination Nation, and Detective Pikachu. Or you may remember her as Bradley Cooper’s one-time young pap partner who he read Lolita to in the park. But I’m guessing you won’t find Gossip Girl on Suki’s resume anytime soon because she spat at the reboot and pretty much called them sexist for calling her a “nobody” in a line about her and her boyfriend of around three years Robert Pattinson. Whatever the opposite of “xoxo” is, that’s what Suki feels about Gossip Girl.
The Gossip Girl reboot is coming to HBO Max on July 8th, and since it’s going to be on HBO, they can up the pearl-clutching-factor and get ~ohsoscandalous~. And according to Page Six, they have and some people, who have seen early previews of the show, have said the show is trying too hard to be edgy and scandalous and some of the scenes are Skinemaxy. Well, the HBO Max feedback line better prepare to be hit with the sound of the four screeching voices behind Millions of Moms.
Leave it to Beaver (AKA Brandi Glanville of Real Housewives of Beverly Hills) to flap them trout lips and give us the gossip. The accredited slut for drama was recently on the Everything Iconic podcast, where she let us know all about the famous Hollywood mens (besides Gerard Butler) that she’s had the honor of hooking up with. Hey, you gotta do what you gotta do to keep your name out there, like letting everyone know who you’ve done. Continue reading
And we’re not talking pussycat! Vanity Fair has this giant volume on the history of Gossip Girl to commemorate the tenth anniversary from when it first aired. If you read it, you’d think it got M*A*S*H* kind of ratings instead of being the CW’s first swing at the television piñata. You’d also think it should have been called BLAKE LIVELY!!! (and a bunch of nobody teen actors). They really focus in on Blake.
After six seasons of listening to Blake NotSoLively mumble like she’s got a jaw made of Gummi Bears and her tongue was attacked by a swarm of bees, Gossip Girl, the TV show based on Gwyneth Paltrow’s teenage life, ended forever last night. Sadly, we didn’t find out that the entire show was one of Dorota’s nightmares and she’s actually an UES socialite and Blair was her maid and Serena was her deaf laundress. But we did find out that (SPOILER ALERTS: if you care) the pube bush on Dan’s head was full of SECRETS, Serena van durr Wooden wore She-Ra’s cotillon gown to her wedding, Nate Archibald becomes NYC’s first gay mayor and that Blair Waldorf gave birth to Mason Disick. We also learned who Gossip Girl is and I’m still mad that it wasn’t Blake Lively’s poodle, but I was close. The real Gossip Girl doesn’t make any sense, but did anything in that mess of a show make sense (prime example: Vanessa’s ugly ass clothes)?
Throughout the entire finale, The CW kept scratching at my eyeballs by showing long previews for that neon skid mark of a show The Carrie Diaries. They shoved a dozen commercials for that shit into a feedbag and forcibly strapped that feedbag to my face. But they made up for it in the last few minutes of Gossip Girl’s finale by giving me a cameo by Lisa Loeb! Dan’s father Rufus ends up with Lisa Loeb in the end. Random doesn’t even begin to describe that fuckery. But knowing that Rufus and Lisa Loeb are squirting on each other’s hipster glasses during sex times was worth sitting through that wreck of a finale.
And that’s that. I’m sure Blake will go on to win a dozen Razzies, Chace Crawford will get 7th place on next season’s Dancing with the Has-Beens and Kelly Rutherford will get arrested in France for trying to smuggle her son Hermes out in her Hermes.