Porn star and presidential irritant Stormy Daniels popped up during the cold open on Saturday Night Live last night. Stormy is POTUS’ current least favorite person and SNL knows that there’s nothing in the world more funzies than pissing off our humorless egomaniac of a president. So they had her pop up during a Trump sketch amidst a cavalcade of guest stars including Ben Stiller as Trump’s praying-for-death attorney Michael Cohen, Martin Short as Trump’s ethically challenged (and crazy as hell) physician Dr. Harold Bornstein, Scarlett Johansson reprising her Ivanka Trump, and Jimmy Fallon as Ivanka’s husband Jared Kushner. SNL’s MVP Kate McKinnon also debuted a startlingly accurate impression of gabby Trump hanger-on Rudy Guiliani, who continues to deplete all of the goodwill he inspired during 9/11.
I’m not sure how one could shred their marriage when your wife is one of the greatest memes of all time. But how are we to know what secrets and passions lie in the hearts of men?
Ben Stiller and his wife of 17 years, Christine Taylor, have separated. 17 years of marriage in Hollywood is the equivalent of one of those old couples who met when they were ten, can both recall when you used to get your tonsils out on the kitchen table, and have been married for 50+ years in the real world. They announced their split in a joint statement to E! News.
Tomorrow we find out if all the hard work and hand jobs Ryan Reynolds has been giving have paid off when the Oscar nominations are announced. But today we find out whose lazy hand job of a performance was rewarded with a 2017 Razzie nomination
There was a nominations sweep at this year’s Razzies. Zoolander 2 got 9 nominations, followed closely behind by Batman v. Superman: Dawn of Justice with 8. Sorry, 1997’s Batman and Robin, it looks like you’re still the Batman movie with the most Razzie nominations. But don’t worry, there’s a chance that Batman movie written and directed by Ben Affleck could happen.
Jared Leto’s award dreams came true in the most Twilight Zone-y of ways. He’s not going to get the Oscar nomination he was no doubt sure he was going to get, but he did get a Worst Supporting Actor Razzie for Suicide Squad. And Julia Roberts’ performance as Lady Wearing a Bad Wig in Mother’s Day earned her a Worst Actress nomination. That wig didn’t get a Worst Supporting Actor nomination, because of course it didn’t; that wig worked its ass off and supported her like a load-bearing beam.
And Ben Affleck received his 10th Razzie nomination today. The big one-zero! He should go out and celebrate tonight for reaching a career milestone. Maybe his BFF Tom Brady will treat Ben to a steamed green bean and unseasoned fish dinner at his house.
The list of nominees is after the cut.
Whenever I see the name “Evil DJ” I think it’s the nickname the cast of Full House called Candace Cameron behind her back. It probably was/is.
At the Zoolander 2 premiere in NYC last night, Ben Stiller, Owen Wilson, Will Ferrell and Penelope Cruz walked the purple carpet in character. That was part of the premiere everyone there called the “This Is An Embarrassing Mess, Let’s Go To The Open Bar” portion of the night. Justin Theroux helped write Zoolander 2 and his character from the first one is in it, so he also hopped (or whatever you call what he’s doing) down the runway. It was some real “Um, you’re a millionaire and you’re married to a multi-multi-millionaire so you don’t need to do this crap for a check” shit.
Evil DJ always looks like Linda Perry circa 1994 if Linda Perry circa 1994 was styled by Kevin Federline using shit from Riff Raff’s closet. When I first saw these pictures, I wondered what in the hell happened to Jason Castro and then I wondered why in the hell do I remember Jason Castro.
And I hope they cover this look on Fashion Police, because I really to see Giuliana Rancic’s lollipop head shake and pop off while she tries to figure out what to say about his dreads.
And I don’t mean “hit it with splashes of holy water while running to the safe house.”
The trailer for Zoolander 2 came out today and it starts off as a comedy but then turns into a terrifying sci-fi horror show when Benedict Cumberbatch pops up on the screen looking like some kind of creature that slithered out of Snape’s asshole 9 months after that half-blood wizard had bareback fuck times with The Lizard from Spider-Man on the site of a toxic waste dump. If Kendall Jenner uses her family’s plastic surgeon, that’s what she’s going to look like without makeup in 10 years.
B. Cums plays an androgynous supermodel and I don’t even think they used any prosthetics or wigs or anything. B. Cums just shape-shifted into his natural alien lizard form and now we know that his natural alien lizard from looks a melting Tilda Swinton wax figure in low-budget Cher drag. B. Cums as a carved Pete Burns candle isn’t the only terrifying thing in the Zoolander 2 trailer. Kristen Wiig as Donatella Versace’s unremarkable anus is also pretty terrifying.
But B. Cums and Kristen aren’t even the scariest things in that trailer. The most horrifying thing is that they call Justin Bieber, whose death isn’t as perfect as his death in CSI, one of the most beautiful people in the world.
And to answer my headline question, yes, I probably would.
That Hansel, still so hot. What? Don’t act like you don’t have a thing for dudes with busted-up dick noses. To announce that Zoolander 2 is a thing that is happening, Ben Stiller pulled out his best John Travolta for Shh…It’s a Wig! high-fashion hairpiece, locked his face into Blue Steel mode, and walked in Valentino’s FW15 show in Paris today as not-smart male model type Derek Zoolander. Joining him as he hustled those future box office dollars down the runway was Owen Wilson done up like Hansel if Hansel was a long-haired dad who drove his kids to school in his pajamas.
Since the hardcore pimping of Anchorman 2 is still fresh in my mind, I’m not sure how I feel about Zoolander and Hansel stunt queening around fashion week. My better judgement is throwing Ben Stiller a Magnum-level side eye, but the center of my brain for cells who can’t think good is screaming YAAASSSS while getting into a gasoline fight with my better judgement (whatever the hell that means). Regardless, it’s happening, and Anna Wintour seems happy about it:
At least I think that’s Anna’s version of happy? I’m not sure if she’s smiling because she’s a next-level Zoolander fan, or because she has poor vision and she thinks she’s standing in the middle of a Pimp Mama Kris and Kim Kardashian fame whore sandwich. Either way, I will count whatever that weird look on her face is as a smile and classify her emotion as ‘happy’.