I don’t have kids so I’m excused from knowing anything about whatever it is Disney has been pumping into the minds of impressionable youth. But apparently, Disney+ has some heavy hitters creating content for housebound children, including newly minted EGOT, Alan Menken. According to The Hollywood Reporter, Alan won his first-ever (competitive) Emmy for “best original song in a children’s, young adult or animated program” at yesterday’s Daytime Emmy awards (most of the awards were already presented last month). The song, Waiting in the Wings, is from the animated series Rapunzel’s Tangled Adventure. I’m sure Patti LuPone sent him a very nice card that read “While I don’t particularly enjoy your little Disney songs, you are by far the greatest EGOT winner since Robert Lopez,” Robert being the last person to EGOT before Andrew Lloyd Webber in 2018 (along with Tim Rice and John Legend).
And yes, Alex Trebek (seen above at last year’s ceremony) won another Daytime Emmy even though his show airs in the evening. That’s the POWER of Alex Trebek!
Last night, the Daytime Emmys (the ugly step-sister of the more glamourous Primetime Emmys) were handed out, virtually––and for yet another year, a whole lot of NOTHING passing as riveting television won big. I can’t relate to anything on-air in the mornings because I’m usually either still passed out, or nursing an edibles-and-wine hangover while barely holding it together in a Zoom call. But after reading this list of winners, it’s clear that I’m not missing out on anything.
Judge Judy Sheindlin has been living her best life for quite some time. Being the highest paid television host is a great gig and who could complain about making millions of dollars for yelling at idiots? I would do that for free! One thing has seemed to be missing: a true act of recognition for the meanest white woman in a Laura Bush hair cut who you also want to be friends with. But Judith will be ignored no longer! As it is being reported that Judge Judy will receive a Lifetime Achievement Award a this year’s Daytime Emmys.
I don’t know if they pick themes for the Daytime Emmy Awards, but if I had to guess what last night’s theme was, it’s clearly “A Tribute to True Class and Good Taste”. Every single moment, from the very first drunken stumble down the red carpet to the last rambling, profanity-laced acceptance speech, was practically a textbook definition of refinement, elegance, and dignity.
Take, for example, the understated elegance of demure English Rose Sharon Osbourne, who announced her arrival on the red carpet by throwing up a classy set of ‘pussy fingers’. Wow. Such elegance. Much grace. Of course Sharon committed fully to the theme by acting like a horny late-in-life lesbian memaw by going for the crotch and tits of her The Talk co-stars Sheryl Underwood and Sara Gilbert.
But the real show happened inside, when Sharon presented an award (I know, I’m shocked she was still able to stand upright) and treated the audience to some “Drunk Aunt Carol going through some shit during Thanksgiving dinner” realness. Luckily, the 41st Daytime Emmys were only being broadcast online (how very amateur porn of you, Daytime Emmys):
“Finally! My lord, I feel like I’ve been her for five fucking hours and I just got here. Everyone can throw up in the toilet and go home and fuck everyone they work with. It’s not being televised. So just fucking get pissed.”
Speaking of pissed, the Emmy producers are probably super pissed today that they gave Giuliana Rancic (who looked like a beautiful shimmering brunette grasshopper bride) the night off from her duties as Head Red Carpet Microphone Ghoul, because the four “social media” mouth breathers they let take over the red carpet failed harder than Kim Kardashian trying to remember her baby’s name. Rape jokes, jokes about fucking underage kids, referring to Lawrence Saint-Victor from The Bold and the Beautiful as “a beautiful chocolate man”; it was like watching 4-goon pile-up that no one wanted to call in the jaws of life for.
Here’s more from the Primetime Emmy Awards Franzia-chugging Valium-snorting unstable disaster of an older sister. Sadly, the Daytime Emmys didn’t reach their full messy potential, because one Very Important Day Drunk was missing: KATHIE LEE GIFFORD!!!