Courteney Cox Sort Of Hints That David Schwimmer Might Be The Reason Why There Hasn’t Been A Friends Reunion

Fucking Ross! Of course it would be his fault. It’s always Ross’ fault. During a recent interview with Yahoo, Courteney Cox was asked whether or not there might ever be a Friends reunion. Obviously the answer to that is no, because a reunion is only a reunion if you’re able to get all the former cast members together, and that would be impossible, since Monica’s old face has been MIA for several years now. But according to Courteney, it’s a no because there’s always someone who fucks it up, and no, it’s not that adorable bumbling oaf Joey. When asked about the possibility of a reunion, Courteney said:

“Dear lord, let it go, people. We’re not doing it. It’s just not going to happen….We’ve gotten about 80% there, but there’s always one person who flakes at the end.”

She was then asked if the name of the flake was David Schwimmer, and she answered:

“You know, I’m not going to name names, but it may not be Schwimmer.”

She then looked at the camera like “It’s totally fucking Ross.” It’s always Ross!

You know what? A Friends reunion can still happen without David Schwimmer; just grab a mopey-looking potato, put it in a blue sweater, and sit it beside a monkey – there, instant Ross. The only people who really matter are Monica, Rachel, Chandler, Joey, Joey’s hot slutty sister Gina, Phoebe, Ursula, the chick and the duck, Gunther, that dude who kept letting his balls hang out, and sexy DILF Jack Gellar (just me and Phoebe? Ok).

Speaking of a potato in a sweater, here’s David Schwimmer at an event with his wife and daughter last weekend. For someone who doesn’t want to do a Friends reunion, dude sure is dressed like he’s ready to drop everything and film one. Blue sweater? Check. Boot-cut jeans? Check. Ross hair? Check. Dopey “Hey Rach” face? Check.

Pics: Splash

Courteney Cox Is Getting Married To Her Younger Irish Piece

Because we were all glued to the saga of Shia LaDouche’s shitbag meltdown on Broadway, we missed what should have been the real EXTRA EXTRA BREAKING NEWS!!!! last night: Courteney Cox announced on Twitter that it’s officially OFFICIALLY over between her and human half-empty bottle of yellow mouthwash (you know, the drinking kind – I mean…so I’ve heard) David Arquette because she’s engaged to Snow Patrol guitarist Johnny McDaid. You know, I always thought that crazy drunk mess David would win Courteney back somehow, but it looks like true love really is dead. I’m still holding out hope that David pulls a Benjamin Braddock and shows up to the church drunk off his ass, banging on the window and screaming “Courteneeeeyyy! Courteneeeeyyy! I still love you! Also, I’m all out of Fireball! See? Bottle’s empty baby. Do you know where I can get some Fireball? You got some in your purse, hon? You wanna go for margaritas or something? I’m gonna take a nap on this organ, wake me up when you wanna leave.”

50-year-old Courteney began seeing 37-year-old Johnny (who sort of looks like what you’d get if Michael Stipe fucked a ghost, then the ghost fucked Daniel Day Lewis) around Christmas, and there’s no picture of the engagement ring, and Johnny is like, barely employed, so I guess what I’m trying to get at is…did Johnny just get an invitation to join the Club le Gold Digger? I know an age difference of 13 years isn’t that huge, but digging is digging when you’re mining that Friends cash. Oh well, I’m sure it’s true love. And I’m sure that if Courteney still had control over the muscles in her face, she’d be smiling to show how happy her Stains-eyed fiancé makes her.

And now it’s time to start the countdown to see who gets married first, Courteney or Jennifer Aniston. Sike! Trick question! Jennifer Aniston will never get married, because she’ll always be FOREVER ALONE, remember?

Pic: Twitter

Another Day, Another Set Of Jennifer Aniston Bikini Pics

Usually my feelings toward Jennifer Aniston go between complete indifference and minor interest. The former 97% of the time and the latter when Friends reruns are on and I’m feeling nostalgic about 1995’s Must See TV schedule. Today I’m filled with so much ugly, misplaced anger that I’m pretty sure if I looked in a mirror, a mash up of Chris Brown’s face and Nancy Grace’s nostrils would be staring back at me. Two days ago I was in California. Granted, it’s not the sun and fun of Cabo where Jen is vacationing for the bajillionth time with her friends, but I came home to the Midwest temperatures below zero, so I’m having a hard time mustering up any enthusiasm for those in a warmer climate. For my say something nice: Jen looks good, decidedly not pregnant, I’m not getting any shades of jealousy or anger over the Holy Brood That Must Not Be Named and she looks a lot less like a wax statue of herself than usual.

Also pictured are Jennifer’s fiancé Justin Theroux, BFF Courteney Cox who looks a little less Lady Elaine Fairchilde in the face thanks to the blurriness that comes with a telephoto lens and Howard Stern wearing an ensemble out of the Harpo Marx beachwear collection.

(Pics: Splash, FameFlynet)

BREAKING: Two Of Brad Pitt’s Ex-Pieces Partied Together Last Night

Here’s Goopy Paltrow and Chris Martin driving into Jennifer Aniston’s ridiculous ass Bel Air estate for a holiday party last night and in that picture it kind of looks like they’re just blindly driving along the road, which is the perfect metaphor for their lives.

So Jennifer Aniston threw a holiday party for her celebwhore friends and I’m sure it was just like your holiday party. But instead of serving food from Boston Market and Trader Joe’s frozen appetizers section on napkins, she served food made by a chef flown in on her private jet from wherever and served that food on brand new Hermes plates, which they later threw into the trash because reusing plates is gross. Instead of keeping bottles of Andre and cans of Cran-Brr-Rita chilled in a plastic trash can full of ice, she had three open bars  and a giant wine fountain full of wine from her own damn vineyard. (Side note: The tanks of all of Jen’s toilets were filled with Miraval Rose.) And instead of the party ending after someone’s auntie projectile barfed up spiked egg nog, the party ended when Goopy Paltrow took a bite of chorizo in a blanket and barfed at the mouth in Spanish about her native Spain. FYI: Every country is Goopy’s native country. She’s that international.

Both UsWeekly and The Daily Mail made a big deal about Jennifer Aniston inviting a fellow ex of Brad Pitt’s to her party. It’s not that big of a deal really. Aniston invited Goopy, because she and Chelsea Handler needed a bitch to make fun of. But I’m sure Aniston and Goopy bonded at the cheese table when they both took a bite of warm munster cheese which reminded them of going down on Brad Pitt.

And here’s a few riveting pictures of famous hos like Courteney Cox (with a hot piece) and Will Arnett driving themselves to Aniston’s party. Why oh why didn’t the LAPD give us a beautiful Christmas gift by setting up a DUI checkpoint in front of Aniston’s gates?

Pics: FameFlynet

Courteney Cox Shares Her Addiction To Ranch Dressing With The Silver Fox

I regularly pray that my inbox will one day be graced with a picture of Anderson Cooper, Cox and a huge load of white stuff, but this isn’t what my loins had in mind. I’ll still take it, because Mah Boo’s giggle and OMG faces are like a Snuggie for my soul.

Just like 85% of this country, Courteney Cox has a not-so-strange addiction to drinking gallons upon gallons of ranch dressing and she can’t start her day without hooking her arm vein up to an IV drip full of ranch. Courteney’s idea of heaven is frolicking through the Hidden Valley Ranch. Since Anderson is a serious journalist and his talk show brings us nothing but highly important hard-hitting stories, he brought out a bowl full of America’s nectar and asked Courteney to guzzle it down. Here’s a preview of the episode that airs today:

I am disgusted with that clip, because ranch dressing and mayo are enemies and I can’t live without the latter. I wish they made mayo-flavored lube. I am also disgusted with that clip, because again, this is not the moment between a Cox and a Mah Boo I want to see. I was so disgusted with all of this that I almost forget to mention that Courteney really needs to back away from the Botox needle before her face looks exactly like that of a Good Luck Cat.

Courteney Is Not Interested In David’s Cox

Oh, it’s good to have our good old David Arquette back! I was scared there for a minute. When David checked into rehab, part of me thought that they drugged him in his sleep, wheeled him into the back room and surgically implanted a Brita filter into his brain to keep him from spewing TMI shit like he did before he went in. All was quiet for a while, but David opened his mouth to his friend Howard Stern and filled us in on the comings and goings of his dick.

Basically, he’s going more than he’s coming. David says that when he reunited with Courteney at Disney World, he tried to get her to take a wild ride on his Mr. Toad, but she politely got out of line and dropped her Fastpass into the trash. All the details we don’t really need to know from UsWeekly:

As usual, Arquette was blunt. “Listen, I tried to fuck her, and she doesn’t even want me,” he told Stern and his crew. “Oh, that’s probably something I shouldn’t have said,” he added regretfully.

The star (who appears in Scream 4 with Cox) admitted that the family-friendly getaway amidst Mickey Mouse et al got him feeling romantic and hopeful. “This is the happiest place on Earth! Let’s make it happier!”

“I mean, I love her. I love her with all my heart,” he explained.

Stern, of course, pressed for details. “How far did you get with her? Just kiss?” the shock jock asked. “A little bit. It was like we were…eighth graders. Seventh graders.”

Even though Cox rejected him, Arquette took pains to insist that Cox isn’t hooking up with Josh Hopkins, 40, despite all appearances to the contrary.

“We have a really super fucking honest relationship and [a new romance with Hopkins] would have come up,” he told Stern.

You know, I was about to seriously type that David just blew any chance he had at getting blown by Courteney’s cooch again, but then I quickly erased it (and typed it again, just so I could say show you what I erased). It’s safe to say that Courteney is pretty used to living with a grown dude who always talks like he’s calling into Loveline.