Courteney Cox And David Arquette Reunite At The Happiest Place On Earth

Courteney Cox came back from her St. Barts bikini vacation (where she DID NOT lick the salt water off of Josh Hopkins’ taint) to spend time with her estranged husband David Arquette and their daughter Coco at Disney World in Florida. David shared this picture of his family with all of his Twitter followers last night. A picture that was obviously taken during an earthquake with a 10-year-old disposable camera held by an overly caffeinated heroin addict who suffers from shaky hand syndrome, because this shit couldn’t be blurrier.

They look happy, though. But I guess I’d be happy too if a VIP tour guide took me around Disney World and I didn’t have to wait 3 hours to buy a $50 Coke from a tortured employee whose eyes say “fuck my life” and whose plastered smile says “Disney will take my first born if I don’t smile at you” (I’ve read the handbooks).

I’ve never understood how Disney World and Land can get away with calling themselves the “happiest place on Earth” when they barely sell any booze and fill their stores with crying brats who scream at their mothers for not buying them a $30 bag of Disney brand jelly beans. Isn’t that false advertising? CLASS ACTION ALERT!

via Daily Mail

Courtney Love Saved Kelly Osbourne’s Life…..Twice!!!!

Have you ever watched the “adrenaline shot to the heart” scene from Pulp Fiction and thought to yourself that it would make so much more sense if it starred Kelly Osbourne in the Uma Thurman role and Courtney Love in the John Travolta role? No? Yeah, me neither, but Courtney Love says it really happened like that. The truth is, Courtney’s hallucinations probably crossed paths in the dusty bowling alley dance floor in her brain and shit got mixed up, but listen to what she has to say anyway.

During a Q&A with fans on VYou, Courtney was asked how long she’s been sober. Courtney answered since October ’05 and then her crazy train crashed at full speed into Kelly Osbourne’s station. Apparently, Kelly and Joan Rivers called Court a “crackhead” during E!’s Fashion Police the other night and bitch didn’t appreciate it. Court went into some mumbling rant about how she saved Kelly from dying of an overdose twice! Courtney is a regular Dr. Quinn of the crackhouse!

According to Court, Kelly took a little too much blow and Oxycontin one night, and ended up foaming at the mouth. Court, being the Captain Saveacokeho that she is, did CPR on Kelly and “put things in her boobs.”

Can you imagine that scene? Like a MadTV skit. Courtney blowing even more coke dust into Kelly’s mouth in between suctioning her nipples with a turkey baster and sticking random syringes into her tits. If Courtney put her mouth on yours and blew, your lungs would turn into dust and the Grim Reaper would show up to cover you in a Hazmat tarp before dragging you into a hot Silkwood shower. So I’m not sure I believe that she’s the Vincent Vega to Kelly’s Mia Wallace.

Courtney then said that she’s sick of being the punchline and Kelly knows how sober she is. Courtney is so sober that she’s only had one bump recently, only been drunk a few times this year, drinks rosé and sometimes takes Sonata and Abilify. But that’s it!

There are two things I learned while watching this: a) I need to check my free clinic plan to see if they list Courtney Love as one of their back alley pharmacists of choice, because she really knows a lot about meds. b) If I ever overdose on coke and OxyContin, make sure Courtney is not around, because I really don’t want our tongues touching ever.

Courteney Cox Is Still At The Beach

And Courteney Cox is still not sucking her last name on Josh Hopkins. Okay, so we need to stop asking. Ever since Courteney and her Cougar Town co-star Josh Hopkins were photographed sunning their shit in St. Barts, everybody figured they were spending their nights exfoliating their genitals with each other’s crotch sand. But Courteney’s rep says this is not the case, and they’re her daughter and a giant group of fweeeeeends. So no, Courteney is not looking at his peen in the picture above and wishing that she could use it to go snorkeling. And David Arquette does not need to get on the next flight to St. Barts so that he can drunkenly barge onto the beach (you can do that you know, barge onto the beach) to punch Josh in the dick.

Or maybe he does, because shit is slow and we need some action (being selfish is a hell of a fucking drug).

Courtney Cox & David Arquette Are Just On A Break!

David Arquette has already opened up his mouth hole wide and spewed out every detail about his split from Courtney Cox including how their genitals haven’t barfed on each other in 4 months and blah blah blah… So now it’s Courtney’s turn, but she kept her legs firmly closed for this interview and didn’t discuss her vagina’s post-David adventures. Courtney told Australia’s TV Week (via People) that she has no plans to melt down her wedding ring and turn it into a BFF split heart pendant to give to Jennifer Aniston.

Courtney says that divorce is not in their near future, “I don’t know what will happen, but this is not like we’re getting divorced. This is a separation and I think that takes a lot of courage . . . Whatever is supposed to happen will be the best thing for us. Sometimes you just realize ‘Wow, we actually have grown apart.”

When asked about David telling the world about their personal shit, Courtney said, “David is a kook. It’s not shocking and Howard Stern he loves him and I’m a fan of Howard Stern . . . David is an entertainer and I’m sure the people who listen to the radio are entertained by his stories.”

Sometimes when you’ve been with a bitch for 20 years, 10 years, 6 months, a week, whatever, you get bored with putting your tongue on their same old fuck part. You know every crinkle and wrinkle like the back synopsis of a Showgirls DVD (seriously, I have that shit memorized). So you go out and lick on other fuck parts, and sometimes by licking on a bunch of other fuck parts, you realize that the first fuck part is still your favorite to lick on.

Whoever said “absence makes the heart grow fonder” really meant to say “absence makes the dick grow harder.” My guess is that Courtney and David hope this happens for them. Or maybe bitch doesn’t have a pre-nup and she’s not about to blow a goodbye air kiss to half of her money IN THIS ECONOMY. Yeah, that’s probably it.

Oh, They’re Totally Going To Get Back Together Now

David Arquette told the Howard Stern Show this morning that he’s hoping to take a knife full of spackle to the giant cracks in his marriage to Courtney Cox. David’s first step in making that happen was to tell the entire damn universe that he hasn’t stuck it in Cox’s vagina in 4 months! Yes, David got on his blow horn and announced to everyone that the last time his peen visited his wife’s snatch Marmaduke was still playing in the theaters. This is some shit you save for your therapist’s settee or for the side-piece you’re trying to pick up in a bar.

David also kept strolling down TM-FUCKING-I Blvd. by saying that Courtney is the one who wanted to put their marriage on hold, because she was sick of “being his mother.” David said that Courtney is an emotional being and if she doesn’t feel like doing something, she’s not going to do it. He called her the most amazing person he knows and believes they will eventually get their shit together and make their marriage work.

David denied that he passed his peen to other chicks before they split up, but he did admit to getting on noted Lohan puncher and star fucker extraordinaire Jasmine Waltz after the fact.

First of all, I don’t think David Arquette read the fine print on his marriage license that stated by signing that document he’s acknowledging that he might not have sex with his wife for months (if not years) at a time. Read before you sign! Second of all, maybe Courtney will stop treating him like a child the minute he stops dressing like a colorblind 6-year-old boy from the late 70s.

via TMZ (Click here to listen to the audio)