Higella Lawson Banned From Coming To The US For Admitting She Snorted Coke

America is finally, finally tackling the real problem that effects this nation of upstanding morals! We must do whatever we can to keep out the rich British women who have admitted to snorting that Lohan powder. They are a threat and if we let them in, they’ll do of all of our coke and then what will our politicians snort to get them through all those meetings?

The Daily Mail says that on Sunday morning, Nigella Lawson tried to get onto a British Airways flight from Heathrow in London to LAX in Los Angeles. Nigella was supposedly coming to L.A. for vacation. Nigella checked in and went through security, but when she got to the gate, she was told to turn her ass around and go home. I’m sure her shit bag of an ex-husband Charles Saatchi (who probably had something to do with this mess) cackled into the sky when that happened. The Daily Mail says that they don’t know the exact reason for why Nigella was blocked from coming to the US, but they think it has everything to do with her admitting in court that she did the bad shit a few times and smoked weed. Amy Winehouse was blocked from entering the US for getting arrested for drugs.

Nigella registered online to get into the US and she answered NO to the questions, “Have you ever been convicted of offenses including taking illegal drugs.” Nigella was never charged by Scotland yard for admitting she did coke. But the US can still ban a bitch for admitting to doing drugs. Nigella is going to fight the ban, because if she can’t come to the US, she’ll lose her job on The Taste which shoots in L.A. Nigella’s spokeswhore refused to say anything about this and a rep for Homeland Security wouldn’t confirm that she’s banned, but the rep did say that foreigners that are labeled as “inadmissible” can apply for a waiver:

In general, an alien found inadmissible will need a waiver of inadmissibility. Depending on the basis of their refusal they may be eligible to apply in advance of travel for a temporary waiver of inadmissibility. The waiver application process can be lengthy.

While Nigella was told she couldn’t come to the US, because she’s a coke-snorting terrorist threat, the Canadian Crisco ball of crack that is Rob Ford twirled onto a flight to the US on a cloud of crack smoke and pussy fumes. I mean, I get that we as a country need to protect our drugs, because we only have so many of them and we need them to get through life, but banning Nigella Lawson after we let Rob Ford in? The official who came up with those priorities was smoking the wrong shit, which was probably provided by Rob Ford. Homeland Security needs to stop wasting their time keeping non-threats like Nigella Lawson out of the US and start using their time wisely by keeping out the real threat to the US: The Lesbeaver. Fight the real enemy!

Nigella Lawson Admits To Doing Coke A Few Times, Says Charles Saatchi Is Out To DESTROY Her

Tip: If you didn’t know this already, the only way to read the word DESTROOOOOY is to read it in Alexis Carrington’s voice. The word didn’t really come alive until it jumped off of her tongue.

Nigella Lawson took the stand today in the fraud trial against her two former assistants, sisters Francesca and Elisabetta Grillo, who are accused of using her ex-husband’s credit cards to buy all kinds of luxurious crap. Last week the Grillos’ lawyers claimed Nigella let them use Charles Saatchi’s credit cards if they promised to not tell him that she snorts coke and smokes the good shit on the regular. Charles’ gross ass said that even though he never saw a coke line go into Nigella’s nostril, he believes the sisters, because DUH. According to The Mirror, Nigella admitted on the stand today that she smokes a joint every now and again and has done coke a handful of times, once while she was stilled married to Mr. Sackofshitti. Nigella said she did coke with her late husband six times, because he was terminally ill and a friend said it might numb the pain.

Nigella hid her smoking of the good shit from Charles and never talked to him about it. Nigella told the court that she’s not a drug addict and she’s not a cokehead. She put on her Captain Obvious hat when she said that the rumors that she’s a Lohan-level cokey obviously came from Charles and the Grillos.

“These allegations appeared in a PR blog that had been dedicated to salvaging Mr Saatchi’s reputation and savaging mine. I felt that this would not become a fraud case, I would be put on trial, and actually that is what has happened.”

Nigella brought up the pictures of Charles choking her out at Scott’s restaurant in London over the summer. Nigella told the court that Charles told everyone that he was just trying to get coke out of her nose. I didn’t know White Oprah was Charles’ damage control counselor! As everyone in the court room choked on the laughs coming up their throats over Charles trying to say that he was just performing the Cokelich Maneuver on Nigella, she went on to explain what really happened:

“But what actually happened was that somebody walked by with a very cute baby in a stroller and I said ‘I am so looking forward to having grandchildren’, and he grabbed me by the throat and said ‘I am the only person you should be concerned with. I am the only person who should be giving you pleasure’. That is what happened.”

The hell? That sounds exactly like a cut scene from Sleeping with the Enemy. Nigella should’ve immediately called up Julia Roberts for tips on how to fake her damn death.

Nigella also testified that after the pictures of Charles trying to choke the coke out of her face came out, he threatened to destroy her and dance on the ashes of her reputation if she didn’t stand by him:

“He said to me that if I didn’t go to him and clear his name, he would destroy me, and also started spreading false allegations of drug use and in particular the awful incident in Scott’s.”

The best part of Nigella’s entire testimony was this part:

He (one of the sisters’ lawyer) said:”When you unfortunately separated from Mr Saatchi…”

Nigella interjected: “I wouldn’t say ‘unfortunately’.”

That made me snort coke out of my nose! The next time I need to get coke out of my nose, I don’t have to ask Charles Saatchi to choke it out of me. I just have to read that line of shade again.

Pics: Wenn.com, Splash

Nigella Lawson Is A Seasoned Cokehead, So Says The Ex-Husband Who Choked Her Out

Nigella Lawson’s former assistants of ten years are on trial in London for allegedly defrauding her abusive ex-husband Charles Saatchi out of more than £300,000 and using the money to buy all sorts of luxurious crap like purses and fancy vacations. Lawyers for Nigella’s ex-assistants, sisters Francesca and Elisabetta Grillo, argued that she let them use her husband’s credit cards if they promised not to tell him about how she’s a pill-popping cokehead stoner. “Eh,” said Nigella’s Food Network mate Sandra Lee as she snorted a semi-homemade coke line (made with baked Orajel, rubbing alcohol and codeine) off of a tablescape made of mirrors.

The Telegraph reports that lawyers for the Grillo sisters told the judge that Nigella smoked the good shit and snorted the bad shit daily for more than ten years. The judge allowed the accusations to be used in the sisters’ defense, but told jurors that the trial is about fraud and not about “Higella’s” supposed cokehead ways. Nigella is going to take the stand on Friday and the Grillo sisters’ lawyer will probably ask her what’s really in her Ham and Coca Cola recipe.

In court yesterday, lawyers read an email that Nigella’s dildo bag of an ex-husband sent to her after hearing the Grillo’s claim. Charles Saatchi said in an email to Nigella that he completely believes the sisters and he thinks she okay’d them using his credit cards because she was “off her head” on drugs. Lawyers for the Grillo sisters (Side Note: The Grillo Sisters sounds like a really crappy Food Network show starring two sisters who love to grill) spit this out to the court about Nigella’s secret life as a cokey:

“The bad character application relates to Miss Lawson’s alleged use of both class A and class B drugs and also her unauthorised use of prescribed drugs as a matter which is highly relevant to the defence case. In a nutshell we submit that she had a guilty secret from her husband, her then husband. She did not want him to know of her use of cocaine and that is highly relevant to the defence case. The defendants will maintain that they were fully aware of her illicit drug use and she essentially would consent to their expenditure on the understanding that there would be no disclosure to her husband of her usage.”

Nigella’s lawyers deny that she’s a 10-year veteran of coke snorting and prosecutors say this is obviously just a shameless defense tactic from the Grillo sisters’ lawyers. When the Grillos were busted last year, they never brought up the “hush money” defense and only made the allegations earlier this month.

Let’s say that Nigella was eating plates of coke noodles and maranarajuana sauce daily, that still doesn’t really explain why the Grillo sisters used Charles Sackofshitti’s credit cards to buy crap. I mean, when somebody who’s coked up all the way tells you to do something, you usually do the opposite of that. You listen to them coke-ily ramble on, then you nod while reaching into your pocket to get them a mint since their bref probably smells like warm death coated in anal gland fluid.

Also, if I was married to that piece of shit, I’d be high all the time too. I doubt it will, but if this affects Nigella’s career, she can always move to Toronto and run for mayor. I’d vote for her. Vote 4 Higella!

Nigella Lawson’s Husband Announces That He’s Divorcing Her, Remains An Utter Piece Of Trash While Doing So

Last month, Nigella Lawson’s advertising mogul husband Charles Saatchi was photographed choking her out during an argument at a restaurant in London. Choke You Out Charlie said at the time that they were just playing Chris Brown’s favorite game and he was barely grasping at her neck. The police gave Charlie a slap on the wrist and let him waltz away. During all of this, Nigella kept her lips shut and didn’t say anything. Nigella not saying anything said everything. She and her two kids from a previous marriage moved out of the house when the pictures came out. And now Nigella and Charles’ marriage is dead.

Charles said in a statement to The Daily Mail that he’s divorcing Nigella after 10 years of marriage, because she didn’t defend him at all to the media. Charles didn’t even call or tell Nigella to her face that he’s divorcing her, so she’s probably finding out by reading it in The Daily Mail. THAT BITCH Charles has zero shame. Charles wouldn’t know shame if it wrapped its fingers around his neck and choked him out. Charles went on to say that he’s not a lady beater and that Nigella has held his neck during fights too. Here’s Charles’ full statement, but if you don’t feel like reading it, just fart into your hand and smell it. Both will leave the scent of shit in your nostrils, but smelling your own fart is less painful and probably a better use of your time.

Charles also tells The Daily Mail that on the day the pictures came out, Nigella’s publicist told him to publicly apologize and say that he was ashamed that he went after his wife like that. Charles refused to and after Nigella told him that he should listen to her publicist, they had another fight and he kicked her out of the house. Charles feels like Nigella chose her publicist over him and he’s mad at her for not telling the press that he never hit her.

A friend of Nigella’s tells The Daily Mail that she didn’t like that Charles called it a “playful tiff” and she didn’t want to spit out any words of support for him, because it would look like she was covering up for his ass. Nigella’s “friend” went on to say:

“Nigella has given a statement to the police that Charles has never hit her and she hoped it would be widely reported but it wasn’t. She is deeply private and doesn’t want to make any statement herself or have ­people pick over her marriage. She thinks the pictures are very humiliating. She’s embarrassed and ashamed that she is being portrayed as a victim of domestic violence and her husband as a wife beater. If only he’d said in the first place that the pictures were horrific and he was very ashamed, she says she could have pointed out that he’d never hurt her.”

Charles is the pus oozing out of an anal wart (no offense to the pus oozing out of an anal wart). What a shit-covered asshole he is. Using The Daily Mail to tell Nigella that he’s divorcing her and then blaming the divorce on her is just some evil shit and Mel Gibson wishes he would’ve came up with that when he broke up with that Russian pianist.

And of course everyone should feel sorry for Charles. Charles is the real victim here and we should start a Kickstarter to buy a thousand Band-Aids to put on his bruised ass ego. Why won’t anybody think of Charles Saatchi?!

Nigella Lawson’s Husband Gets A Gentle Slap On The Wrist For Attacking Her

Nigella Lawson’s 70-year-old millionaire husband Charles Saatchi has backed away from that whole “Oh, we were just playing a little game of “I choke you out and you look terrified as shit’” claim and has accepted a warning from the police for strangling her during a fight on the patio of their favorite restaurant in London last week.

The London Evening Standard says that Choke You Out Charlie went to the police station and talked with investigators for four hours, but only because he wanted to get the whole situation behind him so he can get back to putting his hands on Nigella’s mouth and neck when his ears don’t like the words that she’s saying. Even though Nigella never filed a report, Charles says he took the blame and sashayed away with nothing but a small slap on the nalgas. Charles strangling Nigella was more intense than the slap the police gave him. Charles said this about the whole thing:

“Although Nigella made no complaint I volunteered to go to Charing Cross station and take a police caution after a discussion with my lawyer because I thought it was better than the alternative of this hanging over all of us for months.”

Nigella hasn’t said anything about this, but her rep said that she and her chirruns left their house. The rep didn’t say if it was temporary or permanent.

A caution? That’s like a soft slap on the hand followed by a boo boo kiss. Sometimes the police are funny. This is why abuelitas should run the police force in every city in every country. An abuelita’s idea of a warning is the down-eye of doom she throws as she pulls her chancelta off of her foot.

Oh, Charles Saatchi Was Just Being “Playful” When He Choked Nigella Lawson

Nigella Lawson’s art mogul husband Charles Saatchi finally had something to say about those pictures of him strangling her on the patio of a restaurant in London. After pictures of Charles choking Nigella out were published in the Sunday People over the weekend, Scotland Yard said they were putting their magnifying glasses up to the situation and were deciding whether or not they need to open up an investigation. But Charles says that there’s no need for that, because it was only just a “playful tiff” and that he was only holding her neck like that to “emphasize a point.” It’s a little technique Charles learned at Chris Brown’s School of Point Making.

Charles tells The London Evening Standard that the pictures look disturbing as all hell, but it’s not as bad as it looks. Witnesses say that Charles was yelling at Nigella and she looked in pain when he was choking her out, but he says that she wasn’t hurt and  it wasn’t that serious. Motherfucker, say what?

“About a week ago, we were sitting outside a restaurant having an intense debate about the children, and I held Nigella’s neck repeatedly while attempting to emphasise my point.

There was no grip, it was a playful tiff. The pictures are horrific but give a far more drastic and violent impression of what took place. Nigella’s tears were because we both hate arguing, not because she had been hurt.

We had made up by the time we were home. The paparazzi were congregated outside our house after the story broke yesterday morning, so I told Nigella to take the kids off till the dust settled.”

I wish that asshole didn’t say “playful tiff.” Because “PlayfulTiff80” was the AOL screen name of my 8th grade rival.

What in the hell kind of point was Charles trying to make? Was his point that he can easily choke the life out of Nigella when he doesn’t like the words that are coming out of her mouth? Point taken! Does that mean that Nigella can make a point by laying a steak knife on his soft dick? Or should she just shove a fork up his ass? Yeah, that’s more subtle. “Oh, officer, I wasn’t being violent. I was ONLY shoving a fork up his ass to make a point. I was only bolding my words.”