Ga-Ga-Ga-Ga-Gaaaaay Fight!

Pop the poppers and heat the oil, because the biggest homo fight since Gay Al vs. Star Jones is about to go down! Remember when Gayken got all cunty and said Glamberace’s performance of “Ring of Fire” made his ears bleed (but his b-lips tingle)? Well, Glamberace finally let the bitch out of the bag and responded during an interview with Access Hollywood. YES! YES!

The Glittery Prince of the Unicorns said, “I don’t know Clay. I’m glad he’s getting headlines now though, because he wasn’t before. If he wants to ride my coattails about it, good for him.”

Note to Gayken: Glamberace didn’t mean the last part LIKE THAT, so wipe the scented Vaseline off your carrot and gerbil hole.

And I hope Glamberace likes Premarin in his eyes, because the Claymates are out for the blood of a unicorn! They already have to deal with desert vagina and now THIS! It’s not going to be purdy.

CLARIFICATION: Blood Did Not Actually Pour Out Of Gayken’s Ears

Yesterday, a blog post Gayken wrote on his $29.95 a year members-only website about his thoughts on Glamberace and the overall American Idol machine made the internet rounds. In the long ass post, Gayken said that Glamberace’s performance of “Ring of Fire” made his ears bleed. He also said that American Idol played favorites this season and chose to focus on a bitch who is already all professional and shit. BLAH, right? Well, Gayken has hopped back on his custom-made sparkly pink MacBook (you know it is) to clear the fart he left after writing that shit.

Gayken’s response is equally as cunty. Or maybe I feel that way, because I can’t help picturing girlfriend shaking his head and snapping his fingers while writing it.

Gayken’s whole “Sowwy (but not really)” rant is after the jump. Again, this is a loooooong one, so bring a Lunchables. JUMP!

“I’ll be the first to admit that my opinion is just that, only my opinion, but for as much as some of the bloggers seem to dislike me and care so little about my thoughts, they sure can waste a lot of their space on what I say! If only many of them took the time to pay attention to important things like the US economy and the welfare of the world’s children (Ed note: Watz dat?). But… nah… I could blog about that type of stuff anytime and most wouldn’t think twice, but let me say something that they can pick and choose quotes and misinterpret me… and it’s showtime! I never assumed my opinion mattered so much! I guess I may have been wrong.

That said, since my previous blog got dissected like a biology lab frog, i suppose I should clarify and even retract some of what I wrote. I am sure that some were upset by my choice of words describing my opinion of a performance I heard from Adam Lambert. I hope no one actually believed that blood truly poured forth from my ears when I heard him. I obviously meant it as a colorful statement to imply that I did not enjoy what I heard. Any performer hopes that their music will appeal to all people, but no singer realistically expects it to. God knows, I am SURE there are PLENTY of people who can’t stand to hear me sing either. I wouldn’t dream of assuming that, and I am sure that far worse things have been said about my performances than I would even venture to type here. To me, that’s fine. I don’t expect unanimous, nor even majority support for my music. But, my guess is Adam doesn’t either. I would not venture to make judgements on the personality or demeanor of anyone I don’t know, so none of what I said in my previous blog was directed as a ‘slam’ on Adam as a person. At the same time, I wouldn’t dream of slamming him (Ed note: Yes, you have. Don’t lie. You’ve got the jizz stains in your sheets to prove it.) as an entertainer. He does what he does, because he enjoys it, and he obviously has many fans who enjoy it as well. If what I said in my previous blog regarding my impression of a single performance from Adam upset or offended any of his fans, I expect that the mature ones will realize that it was simply a poorly worded metaphor describing my personal tastes. The only person I would really dream of apologizing to is Adam. And the irony is, if he’s smart he couldn’t give a crap what I think of his ‘Ring of Fire’ performance. As an entertainer, Adam knows that one person’s opinion of one performance really matters a little less than zero, in the grand scheme of things. He could not have gotten on Idol (nor made it as far as he did) without an immense amount of talent. He surely doesn’t need my approval to know he has a gift. At the same time, he realizes that amazing talent doesn’t always equal universal appeal. (I could NEVER have the amount of skill and talent that ballet dancers have! that’s talent! But, I don’t particularly enjoy it!) I am sure that I will have plenty of opportunities in the coming years to hear Adam sing. I imagine he’ll be around for years to come. But in the meantime, I definitely don’t want to stoop to the level of so many negative freaks on the internet (Ed note: Why thank you! That’s the best compliment I’ve gotten all hour!)… so, I do apologize to Adam for my colorful (and negative) choice of words. I hope he can forgive me. I imagine he doesn’t give a damn! God knows he shouldn’t.”

So blood didn’t actually pour forth out of Gayken’s ears? That sucks. I thought he was telling the trufs, but figured his ears only bled because he had amazing butt sex right before he watched Glamberace’s performance. Good butt sex will make your ears bleed! That’s a sign that you are doing it right! Oh, well. Keep on, keep on, Gayken!

And if Gayken is going to start playing this cunt role, he needs to learn to not apologize for his bitchiness. Even half-assed apologies are not allowed! Be all the cunt you can be.

VIA UsWeekly

Cunty Clay Bites The Hand That Fed Him

A little while ago there was a rumor that Gayken wanted to duet with Glamberace, but producers SHUT HIM DOWN. There might have been some truth to that rumor, because maybe that would explain why the Unicorn Queen of the South pounced onto his official website (which charges $30 a year for membership) and put his buttery ladyfingers to work on a super long post about the future of American Idol (sample: Glamberace’s voiced caused a stigmata in his ears). I know you’re still stuck on that $30 a year for membership, but that’s a small price to pay for a Claymate. They would find a way to give a kidney a year just to lick the words Gayken typed.

Gawker posted the entire rant Gayken wrote and I have it for you below, but this bitch is long. Have yourself a cup of spiked sweet tea and sit back, because once the Gayken starts, he doesn’t stop. Also, make sure to read it in his precious Southern Twang. I also pictured him snapping his teeth, rolling his eyes and cooing at his clayby while writing this. That made it a little more entertaining. All the bitter bitchery courtesy of Gayken is after the jump. JUMP!!!

Now that it’s all over, and for the record…. I couldn’t be happier about the way AI ended this year. I only turn the show on once a season, and only to see what the set looks like each year. This year, I happened to turn it during the minute that Adam Lambert was singing “Ring of Fire” and, at that moment, thought my ears would bleed. Contrived, awful, and slightly frightening! I wasn’t really a fan and found myself surprised whenever folks told me that they liked him. Granted, I never saw another performance (and many folks who I trust said that he was great) but I can’t imagine I would have enjoyed it. Just not my cup of tea at all. To each his own. I never saw Kris sing on the show, but whether he was good or not is really relative. It’s usually a matter of taste, right? But Idol is not always a matter of musical taste only. It’s about the person you like. From what little I saw, Kris seemed likable. (That’s not to say that Adam isn’t just as likable as anyone.. maybe more so… I don’t know) When Ruben and I were standing next to each other every night (many years ago) you had two equally talented, equally unlikely, equally unpolished contestants…. so it really was a matter of taste as to who was voted for. While some may argue that one of us was hyped more than the other, I don’t feel that was the case. However, this year, there was an obvious bias. Not even having watched the show, I can tell you that I was WELL aware of the bias from the judges as to who should win. In my opinion, that is awfully unattractive. I don’t think I am alone

In my opinion, it all often comes down to that last night of voting. Until the finale, folks are voting for the contestant that they want to see continue. But, I believe that on that last night, the dynamic changes. No longer forced to choose one person that they want to see win, the audience can effectively vote AGAINST the person that they don’t want to see win. In the case of season two this might have happened. There may have been some folks who voted for myself or Ruben because they didn’t like the other of us. I was the nerdy little girly boy who some didn’t want to see win, so they may have voted for Ruben. I don’t know. .. But again, I feel that Ruben and I were fairly matched. We both had our detractors and negatives, but I feel we were both very worthy of being on that stage in that moment, and either of us would have been worthy of winning. The show was different then, and folks made it in seasons 1-3 because they were “real” people who happened to sing/entertain well. But, somewhere along the way, AI stopped being about real people.

In a battle between David and Goliath, my money is on David!

I think many voters got sick of being “told who to vote for”. I think many were turned off by the blatant favoritism shown towards one contestant. Therefore, on that last night, they used their votes against a contestant that they were tired of hearing about and for the contestant who had been written off. And, at the same time, I think they voted AGAINST an American Idol that has, for four years now, been more about the slick productions and polished contestants than it has been about finding the raw talent that it did in its first three seasons.

Those votes for Kris were also votes to return the show to its roots of finding “real” contestants with undiscovered talent and giving them the chance to grow and shine. They were votes that said “we’re tired of seeing contestants who already seem to know it all”.

Will American Idol choose to listen to the resounding and clarion call that those voters gave them?…. “Enough with the pretention. More Rubens, more Clays, more Fantasias and Tamyras and Kellys please.” My faith has always been in the voters. I think they have gotten it right every year (mine included). It’s now up to American Idol to decide if it will finally REALLY listen to the folks that keep it on the air.

Get the metallic bikinis and the oil pool out, because it’s about to be a wha?! A GAYFIGHT!!!! I just hope they don’t start making out before round 1 ends, because that would make my no-no crawl into my belly button never to be heard from again.

But seriously, Gayken does make a few valid points, but really….it’s a stupid fucking reality show. IT’S NOT REAL LIFE! One of the judges is a crazy bitch who used to dance around with a rapping cartoon cat (and probably still does in her head). It’s not like we’re voting for the President! I know some hos think that, but we’re not! However, this is coming from a bitch who cried one single tear when Allison Iraheta was given the ax.

What I’m trying to say is: Fuck a donut, Gayken! Hmmm….donuts.

Put A Diaper On It

For those of you that are taking Alli, I suggest that the next time your asshole starts leaking greasy diarrhea, you bottle that shit STAT! Valentino will buy it from you by the gallon, because it looks like he loves to slather his face in poopy oil. That’s his look. You might see a colonic gone wrong, but Valentino sees booty and poofection.

Here’s Valentino looking like something Brit Brit might fart out at the premiere of his documentary in Los Angeles last night with Fishsticks and Anne Hathaway.

All Together Now!

THAT’S SOME BENJAMIN BUTTON’S SHIT!!!! And yes it fucking is. This stupid ass Mary-Kate Olsen troll is trying to look as elderly as possible when she should be dressing all slutty while she can get away with it. Bitch probably smells like moth balls, cat piss and White Shoulders dusting powder. Her pockets are probably filled with caramel square wrappers. You really just want to help her memaw ass across the street. She’ll thank you by giving you a nickle. She’ll also call you “Daniel” even though you’ve told her your name is Michael. Seriously, old ass bitches are always calling me Daniel!

Here’s Granny Olsen shuffling into a car in NYC earlier today. Granny forgot her cane!

Why Do People Want To Be On Barbara Walters’ Face?

This morning on The View, crazy old Barbara Walters said, “Why do people want to be on MyFace?” Because your Twatter is always down, Babs.

P.S. – Pouring a mixture of industrial-grade bleach, OxiClean and Ammonia on a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser, then rubbing it on your forehead doesn’t kill the mental images. I tried.