THIS IS SOME BENJAMIN BUTTON’S SHIT!!!!

You might want to hold your throat before you read this first part: here’s 15-year-old (hold it tight) Ali OLDhan posing in Times Square yesterday for photographer Jonathan Ressler’s “Extraordinary Women Exhibit” (HOLD IT). Oh shit. Your throat just jumped out and ran the fuck away, didn’t it? Go take a net to that shit. Your social life will tank without your throat. We’ll wait for you.

Has Jonathan Ressler been hanging out with our girl Allison, because he’s definitely been sniffing on some computer duster. And this is not walking on sunshine. I mean, how did Ali fall into the “extraordinary women” category? White Oprah probably fell on Jonathan’s dick and that’s how she made this happen.

Shouldn’t this girl be in school anyway? She shouldn’t be outside freezing her illegal plastic tittay sacks in the middle of Times Square looking like one of the Hookers at the Point in dire need of a Swan makeover. Being one of White Oprah’s children will eff you up. The Curious Case of Ali Lohan, indeed.

And what would I give to be Mah Boo Anderson Cooper’s South American houseboy this morning. That lucky bitch gets to be the first one to hear what Mah Boo has to say about this while he’s sipping his freshly squeezed Tang juice.

Here We Go Again

This didn’t come from the My Little Pony’s mouth, but UsWeekly swears on Heidi and Spencer’s rotten vaginas (they love them so) that the Sex and the City sequel is a go. They might as well call that shit Sex But Only With The Use Of Vagisil In The Retirement Community.

Some source said the contracts aren’t signed yet, but everyone has agreed. Another source claims the 4 hos are getting a lot more money than they did the first time around. Warner Bros. wouldn’t comment on this shit.

I will co-sign this shit in my own blood if they do the right thing and base the sequel around Rojo Caliente. They don’t even have to do much. They can just show 2 hours of Rojo in a wife beater, cargo jeans and a tool belt drilling a piece of big wood or something. Swoooon. Those 3 hags and Cynthia Nixon can make cameos every few minutes. One can oil up Rojo’s arms, two can brush her ginge bush and another can have Rojo flex for her. They can call it Gingy Bull Dyke in the Home Depot. Movie of the decade!

Memaw Jennifer Goes For The Nuts

There was a story a few years ago of a 93-year-old memaw in Lithuania who showed a burglar what’s what by grabbing on his skin berries and refusing to let go until the cops came. That story inspired Memaw “Jennifer” of Portland, Oregon to do the same thing when some nekkid ass criminal broke into her house and threw her old ass onto a chair. When the man had Jennifer on the chair, she reached around and gave him a nut job he will never forget. Vadge’s ball crushing vagina must be so proud.

Sadly, Memaw Jennifer didn’t pop one of his testicles, because he broke free from her hand and got away. The cops later found the nekkid moron and arrested him. They probably followed his raccoon screeches from getting his jizz bags crushed.

The punchline in this story is that the naked dude’s name is Michael Dick. Michael DICK! His dick is all he would have left if Memaw Jennifer got her way.

Above is Jennifer talking about her ordeal. I love what Jennifer screamed at Michael Dick, but I think she forgot a word. She obviously threw in the “cunt” word in there somewhere. It’s the official curse word for hardcore memaws.

And I hope that when I become an old lady, my house looks like that too.

Thanks Hexie

Is That Supposed To Be Gayken?

Clay Gayken was a giddy little gay yesterday, because he got his own caricature at Sardi’s! At least, they tell me that’s a caricature of Gayken, but the two bitches before me look nothing alike. On the left, we have a middle-aged gayelle whose eyebrows were electrocuted off during a tragic vibrator accident.

On the right, we have a girly-looking dude that I might bump tongues with in a dark club if I had too many Long Island Iced Teas. Whoever drew that shit did Gayken a huge favor. Gayken should give that bitch a taint slap. Although, I don’t think any taint would appreciate getting slapped by Gayken.

I mean, I almost used my impeccable Photoshop skills to give him some gorgeous chola eyebrows like I did with Kellie Pickler, but it’s not even worth the 10-seconds it takes me to whip that shit up. Not even a cholita makeover can save Gayken!

Why did his eyebrows go away?! Could they not handle the Gayken? They were probably fucking scared of the Claymates craziness.

Gayken Has A Man!

Clay Gayken has landed a hot piece! A hot piece who I’m assuming is partially blind (yes, I’m going there again). But who cares about that!? He looks like he has a working peen and that’s all that matters.

Star Magazine says that the new gayelle mommy has been bumping glazed donut holes with Broadway dancer Reed Kelly. Reed dances in Wicked and the two met while Gayken was doing Spermalot earlier this year. Reed was one of the reasons why Gayken decided to cum back to Broadway.

Some source said, “Everybody knows Reed as Clay’s guy!” And everybody knows Gayken is Reed’s big woman!

Speaking of, do you think we should tell Reed that Gayken is not a lezzie with an obese vagina? He might not know yet and it might be his thing. Naw! Let’s not ruin the love!

And how do you think the Claymates are taking this news? They are either constructing a Reed Kelly tribute quilt using their mom jeans and puffy paint t-shirts or they are cursing his name. I haven’t decided which one…

Click here to visit Reed’s MySpace. He’s kind of hot.

Bitch, Put Those Things Away!

I’ve never been one of those whores who dry heave at the sight of bare feet, but I know some skanks who do. I knew some broad who in high school who would seriously start gagging every time she saw a completely bare foot. She could handle if it was in a flip flop, but not if it was just hanging out naked by itself. This bitch had a bad case of foot phobia. She couldn’t even fuck a dude unless he wore socks! I asked her once, “Well, would you ever let a dude toe fuck you in the vag?” I thought the ho was going to shower herself with her own vom just to wash away the image of a big toe going into her cooze.

It’s a good thing she wasn’t at the Carouse of Hope Ball in Beverly Hills last night, because Lara Flynn Boyle kicked off her heels and walked the red carpet like she was fucking Joss Stone. Yeah, her shoes were probably bothering her hooves, but still. Have some consideration for the bitches around you who might suffer from severe foot phobia! I’m surprised Lara even has feeling in her feet, seeing as though she doesn’t have feeling in her face. THAT FACE! She used to be the sexiest chick on TV and now she looks like hard silly putty.

Last night’s Carousel of Hope Ball looked like “show off your new face night” at the fucking retirement village. There were enough wigs there to keep a tribe of performing drag queens going for years to come! Below are some of my favorite memaws from the night. Don’t feel bad if you don’t know any of these memaws and pepaws’ names, because they probably don’t know either.