Has It Really Come To This: Jessica Biel Being Considered For The Female Lead In True Detective 2

When casting rumors for the second season of True Detective started up, it was reported that the producers were really reaching for the highest stars by trying to get Jessica Chastain, Brad Pitt, Christian Bale and Cate Blanchett. I guess none of those stars wanted to be reached, so the producers went down one step on the ladder and reached a little lower by trying to get Ewan McGregor and then Colin Farrell and then Garrett Hedlund. Well, the producers are completely off of the ladder and now they’re taking whatever they can get.

Nothing has been confirmed yet, but apparently Colin Farrell, Vince Vaughn and Taylor Kitsch have been cast in the male leads. The Wrap says that the show’s creator Nic Pizzolatto is focusing on casting the female lead who’s been described as a booze and gambling addicted sheriff. Elisabeth Moss and Rachel McAdams were both rumored to be up for the role and The Wrap says they’re not totally out. But a source says that 7 actresses have been called back for the role after getting through the first round of auditions. The source says that the 7 actresses are: Rosario Dawson (okay, I can see that), Brit Marling (I can see that too, okay…), Oona Chaplin (I don’t know who that is, but I love a first name that sounds like an orgasm moan), Kelly Reilly (okay….), Malin Akerman (uh huh…), Jamie Alexander (yeah…) and Jessica Biel (WHAAAAAAAT?!).

While reading that list, I knew how the kids who had to pick baseballs teams during my 7th grade PE class felt. They went down the line, looked at each kid and said, “okay, okay,” and when they got to me at the end, they screamed, “Noooooooo.”

Jessica Biel?! Is Courtney Love, who could also be a consultant since she’s an actual detective, not available?

They should just cast an unknown. Or better yet, they should do what the producers of The Love Boat did whenever they got stuck and needed a lifesaver: they brought on Charo! Charo saves everything! Here’s my choice for the female lead in TD 2 looking hot, glamorous and sheriff-ey (just go with it) while posing with Lou Diamond Phillips at The Cesar Chavez Foundation Awards a few months ago.

Pics: Wenn.com

Charo Thinks Sofia Vergara Is CaCa

Since J. Harvey started the day off with Sinead O’Connor, it’s only fitting that we segue from one difficult brown to another. Latina says that Charo took a little break from coochie-coochiing (I guess it’s cuchi-cuchi, I just wanted to type “coochie”) to drag Sofia Vergara, snatch her wig, wipe her wet ass with it and stomp it into the ground. On the red carpet at the ALMA Awards, someone asked Charo what she thinks about people comparing her to Sofia since they both have thick accents, thick curves, and in yo face personalities. Charo was not the one that day, and maybe she’d stopped off at Taco Bell before the event because she shat all over that question.

Her response? “Sofia Vergara is Charo with diarrhea.”

OH booty burn!!!  The dark brown liquidy shade of it all.  I love older people because they don’t give one fuck about telling you exactly what they think, and I love Charo just for being Charo so this is like an early Christmas present wrapped in rancid farts and used toilet paper. And you know the only public apology Sofia’s getting from Charo is “Get Pepto Bismol, bitch”.

Sofia gave a lazy backhand in return at the LA premiere of Machete Kills when she said “Of course she doesn’t like it. No one likes being compared with someone else, especially someone younger.” Sofia is 41 and Charo is 62 timeless. Okay, that might burn just a little, but not as much as having a case of the scorching soupy browns. Team Charo!! And somewhere out there, Terrance Howard is offering Sofia a wet wipe.

Thank you La Spotty!

The Palm Springs International Film Festival Was An A-List Extravaganza And It’s All Because Of Charo

I shouldn’t have even bothered uploading pictures of Diane Lane, Richard Gere, Helen Hunt, Eddie Redmayne, Naomi Watts, Sally Field, Helen Mirren, B.Coop and Ben Affleck, because the only trick worth clicking on is the legendary CHARO!!!

The Palm Springs International Film Festival was held in, get this, Palm Springs, CA last night and all of the glow-in-the-dark ceiling stars of Hollywood probably thought they were going to get all of the attention, but the script was flipped when Charo sashayed onto the red carpet. Yes, Charo was dressed like she was there to serve twice-baked potato casserole in the buffet line, but true legendary stars don’t need to wear $10,000 designer gowns to dazzle eyes.

As soon as Charo strolled into the room where the awards ceremony was held, everybody turned their chairs away from the stage and faced her. Because it’s not every night you get to see Charo’s Shih Tzu hairstyle live and in person.

Charo, Just Because

Today’s news is filled with nothing but real-life nightmares after real-life nightmares and you kind of just want to get under the covers, crawl to the bottom of your bed and stay there until the world finally collapses. But before you do that, here’s some pictures of international treasure Charo cuchi cuchi-ing in the middle of a parking lot in Beverly Hills yesterday. We need just a little Charo right now and that’s all I’ve got.

QOTD: What Charo Thinks Of Lady Caca

Frank DeCaro of Sirius XM’s OutQ radio asked legendary icon and alleged age trimmer Charo what she thinks about Lady Gaga, and let’s just say that she won’t be doing her own version of Born This Way called Cuchi This Way anytime soon.

“What I don’t like is when somebody copies somebody and just adopts it like their own idea. You want me, I go a little further. I can tell you, to me, Lady Gaga is Madonna with diarrhea!”

Now I know that the tip of Charo’s nose is as sharp as a prison shank, but who knew that she actually uses it? Charo straight-up stabbed one of those prosthetic thumbs on Lady Gaga’s shoulder by saying that she should change her stage name to Madookie. More of this, Charo!

via Examiner (Thanks Walter)

And Then There Was d’Manti!!!!!

The red green carpet at The Latin Grammy Awards is always a field covered with delicate flowers whose petals are touched with the finest crystals found in a Michael’s sale bin and they did not disappoint this year. Mostly that’s because d’Manti chose to rise out of the lotus flower she lives in and grace us with her presence. d’Manti’s website tells me that she’s a singer, dancer, actress and born entertainer, and her style tells me that she’s the kind of elegant lady who will only address you if you oh-so-gently kiss the top of her hand first.

The top of d’Manti says “third runner-up in Spearmint Rhino’s Dancing with the Strippers contest” and the bottom says “Gay Al Reynolds’ favorite ridin’ outfit.” The down south pearl necklace is the perfect touch. And d’Manti has so much glamour to give that she changed into a “Carrie does the Ice Capades” dress and walked the carpet again. I must bow.

And as much as it pains me in the soul to say this, I’m sure the sequins on Charo’s gown dimmed in honor of d’Manti when she sashayed by. The Queen of the NIGHT!

Those lucky enough to bask in d’Manti’s perfectly manicured beauty were: Jesus Albert Miranda Perez, Skeletor and JLo, CHARO!!!, Elvis Crespo, Hebe Carmargo, Jossie Cordoba, the Cuban Rainbow Brite known as Lucrecia and Paloma San Basiliio.