Charo Brings Her “Sexy Sexy” To The Wendy Williams Show

When I grow older and eventual turn into a 69-year-old Spanish woman with a high ponytail and one good cuchi cuchi shakin’ dress (it’s inevitable), I want to thrust and bust my shit just the way Charo did on The Wendy Williams Show yesterday. Charo is sixty-damn-nine years old and she’s still running around like a horny orangutan who desperately needs a scratch!

While weak young pop stars are postponing their shows due to “exhaustion” and “broken limbs”, Charo is out there stealing their men and lip-synching for everybody’s life! Okay, the truth is Helen Keller could probably lip-synch better than Charo, but that doesn’t matter when you’ve got moves that could give a corpse a boner.

Now we know what the key ingredient in Spanish Fly is. It’s the wind Charo makes when she pops that coochie!

Charo! Charo! Charo!

It is against my belief system to speak foul about international treasure Charo, so don’t try to trick me into addressing the invisible hand pinching her nose or the family of slugs that have taken shelter inside of her lips. I don’t believe in many things, but I do believe in Charo (and spray cheese and ceiling stars and puppy pee art and Fun Dips and etc…). You can’t break me!

Instead I’m going to celebrate the fact that Charo showed up to a Peta event dressed up like she’s 23 years late for a La Isla Bonita theme party. But if Charo showed up wearing coolats made out of CROCS and a shrug made out of UGGS, I’d still cuchi cuchi at her feet.

And here’s a bunch of hos who got to throw red petals at Charo’s feet last night. In order: Iggy Pop with Nina Alu, Kellan Lutz, Shirley Manson, Lea Michele (either her tampon is falling out or the bitch has to piss), Steve-O, Kelly Osbourne, and Joaquin Phoenix.

Coochie Coochie Ouch

While you’re sitting in your cubicle today and praying to the gods for a permanently hard dick and/or a fully packed bong to fall in your lap, say an extra prayer for Charo. Charo is BROKEN! Seeing Charo limp through Beverly Hills yesterday makes me want to slap a Gopher!

This means that Charo can’t fully thrust her crotch bone and flex her chesticles. Sad. If Charo can’t coochie coochie coo, your own coochie isn’t going to even bother getting out of bed anymore. And if your coochie stops coo-ing, what’s the point of anything?