In Tonight’s “Vanderpump Rules” Finale, Ariana Madix Claims That Tom Sandoval Had Sex In A Car With Raquel Leviss As She Mourned The Death Of Her Dog
If someone in your life is excitedly preparing their goat cheese balls while clasping on their lightning bolt necklace and setting up their galaxy light just so in preparation to revel in the Vanderpump Rules Season 10 finale tonight, please just let them (ok, me) enjoy the conclusion of this absolute slovenly mess for the ages! Watching the lead-up to/sordid details of Tom Sandoval cheating on his girlfriend of nine years, Ariana Madix, with her best friend Rachel “Raquel” Leviss has been a slow burn. And now, People just shared a clip of tonight’s episode, where Ariana recounts how she found out about the affair AND says that Tom and Raquel fucked outside in Raquel’s car as Ariana grieved the death of her dog. But wait, there’s more. Tom didn’t have a key to get back into his house, so right after he and Raquel got done doing the do, he had to ring the doorbell so Ariana could let him in.
Most people romanticize Old Hollywood as a time with decency and morals, but that’s all a bunch of lies because they were just as corrupt back then as modern celebrities. They just didn’t have Instagram. But if they did, Hollywood power couple Paul Newman and Joanne Woodward would have been known as the couple that enjoys LOTS of sex. But Paul didn’t really know how to please a woman until Joanne pulled out her Pandora’s box of treats to buss it wide all over him inside a special room they affectionately referred to as the “fuck hut.”
2021 was a mess, but it did give us this glorious headline: a woman sued GEICO for catching HPV in a car they insured. The woman, known only as M.O. (the first two letters in MONAY, BAYBAY!), had unprotected sex with her then-boyfriend, M.B., in late 2017 in a GEICO-insured Hyundai Genesis. In February 2021 M.O. told GEICO she wanted $1 million in monetary damages. They declined, and the case was sent to arbitration. Big mistake. HUGE. Cuz Global News reports that the Court of Appeals for the Western District of Missouri ordered the insurance company must pay M.O. $5.2 million in damages! That is one rich (HPV-riddled) bitch!
Open Post: Hosted By The Woman Who Has Sued GEICO For $1 Million, Claiming She Got HPV While Having Sex In A Car Insured By Them
This is a warning to everyone who can’t host their Tinder or Grindr hookup at their apartment and decide to bump uglies in their car. Their insurance premium might skyrocket. One woman has sued GEICO for catching HPV while fucking in a car insured by them. So now she’s sued the insurance company for $1 million. Well, at least she didn’t have sex with the Geico Gecko.
I did not need to know the mating rituals of Ewoks, but Snooki told us anyway. Snooki was on Wendy Williams (via Page Six) promoting something or another and during the “Hot Seat” section of the show, Wendy asked her where is the craziest place she’s ever wet humped. Snooki said a car. A CAR. This is Snooki. I’m sure she fucked the duck phone while on a ferris wheel at the Jersey Shore, but Snooki went with “car.” Snooki says that she and her husband Jionni LaValle were driving back from a date when they couldn’t ignore the throbbing in their mammaloid biped loins and had to get it on while he was driving on the highway. This is the beautiful tale of how their 12-month-old daughter came to be:
“Me and Jionni went out on a date in Hoboken [New Jersey] and we were driving back and we started hooking up while he was driving. I just climbed on top of him while he’s driving on the highway.
My period didn’t come and I got pregnant.”
They’re both slightly bigger than Fisher-Price Little People®, so I guess getting their road fuck-on wouldn’t be that hard. But I’m going to give Jionni all the credit here. Jionni managed not to crash while sitting on a booster seat and working those extension pedals as Snooki squirted pickle crotch juices all over his dick and let out a high-pitched sex screech into his ears. That takes real talent.
And since we’re on the subject of riding your man’s stick shift while on the highway, let’s relive this classic:
On the left is Javier Bardem in the teaser trailer for The Counselor and on the right is the Ancient Aliens meme guy. Thanks to ten cans of pink AquaNet, a blow dryer set to high and possibly a taser gun, Javier Bardem TRIES IT, but his hair just can’t beat the hair on the head of the Ancient Aliens meme guy. Because the Ancient Aliens meme guy’s hair just isn’t hair. It’s a hairy satellite that communicates with aliens from the ancient world. So he wins!
Anyway, below is the trailer for Ridley Scott’s The Counselor, which is about a lawyer (Michael Fassbender) who gets into the drug selling business with two drug lords (Javier Bardem and Cameron Diaz), because he wants to give his girlfriend (Penelope Cruz) a fancier life. That is just crazy. Who in the hell starts selling drugs to give their piece a fancier life? Any reasonable ho would just get into the pyramid scheme game. (Side note: Remember that pyramid scheme where you’d get a list of 20 names and addresses and you’d have to send a $1 to each of them. If you did that, you’d get on the next list and a bunch of people would send a $1 to you. You were supposed to make thousands of thousands of dollars from it. Remember that scheme? I wonder who was dumb enough to fall for that shit? I totally fell for it.) Here’s the trailer:
Javier Bardem’s hair, the grease stuck to Brad Pitt’s locks and those cheetahs (cheetahs are such fame whores) probably think they’re the stars of this movie, but they’re wrong. The true star is Cameron Diaz. I skimmed through a review of the script (I know, I really have no life) and read that Cameron plays Malkina, Javier Bardem’s sociopathic and horny partner who is a computer genius and is obsessed with cheetahs and cars. Apparently, she’s really REALLY into cars and has even fucked one. So those of you haters who have said in the past, “The only way Cameron Diaz is going to get an Oscar nomination is if screws a car on camera,” can eat it, because she’s finally doing it. Pour some Turtle Wax on that car hood and get that Oscar, bitch!