Jane Lynch Got Married!

Unfortunately, Jane Lynch didn’t exchange vows with Charo. Maybe next time. But I’m using this picture, because Charo is the cherry on everyone’s top. And seriously, she should be in every picture. So….

Star Magazine is saying that Glee’s Sue Sylvester married her girlfriend psychologist Lara Embry at the Blue Heron Restaurant in Sunderland, Massachusetts over the weekend. One of the restaurant’s employees says that Jane and Lara have been planning their big gayelle wedding for months. The employee also just had to say that Jane and Lara’s guests ate grilled sea bass, duck and chocolate mousse layer cake for dessert. Suddenly the Juan Pollo and sheet cake from Costco I ate at my cousin’s wedding a few months ago doesn’t seem that impressive.

Congrats to Sue and Lara. Here’s hoping that they move to Pennsylvania where they will breed pure bred poodles and start a magazine called American Bitch.

People’s Big Lesbian Cover Girl Is Chely Wright

AFTER ALL THAT, People has confirmed that the answer to the “Who is coming out?” blind item is country singer Chely Wright (aka WHO?!). Chely’s lesbian non-bomb was supposed to drop this Wednesday, but People came clean this morning after everyone and their bikini waxer spoiled the news over the weekend. Yes, this is what it feels like to get a wet handjob without release. Let’s all bump blue balls while cursing People’s name.

Chely, who has a book and a CD coming out this week, queefs to People, “There had never, ever been a country music artist who had acknowledged his or her homosexuality (Ed note: K.D. Lang just shank eyed bitch). I wasn’t going to be the first. Nothing in my life has been more magical than the moment I decided to come out.”

You know what will be more magical? The feeling Chely will get in her heart when she sees the extra sales from her CD and book because of her People Magazine cover. Nothing hugs your soul and makes you feel clean like a publicity stunt. Good for you, Chely.

Not all is lost though. At least I got to post this picture of Chely wearing a truly hot outfit. Thanks to Chely I can now wear a window scarf as a waist accessory with confidence!

Fetus Fever Hits Australia

Justin Bieber was supposed to crawl and goo-goo-ga-ga in a free outdoor concert in Australia this morning, but it was canceled after thousands of crazed fangirls swarmed the venue at 2 this morning. Many girls had been camping out near the arena since last night. Justin wasn’t supposed to take the stage until later on in the morning, but a rumor that he had arrived early caused the fetusholics to rush the arena. One girl probably got a whiff of baby diarrhea and figured Bieber’s mommy was changing him in the back. Baby diarrhea ruins everything!

Several girls were taken to the hospital after they were crushed during the chaos. About ten girls were treated at the scene after they fainted.

Justin later performed one song from the safety of a studio.

This is ridiculous. Justin Bieber is turning tween girls into lesbian-loving pedophiles! I mean, fainting over a newborn fetus?! Only OctoMom does that shit! Although, I guess it’s better that they are worshiping a baby instead of having one (I think).

Here’s a few pictures of Australian tweens suffering through the most devastating experience of their lives. They tried to commit mass suicide, but downing 3 Flinstones Vitamins didn’t really do the trick.

Isn’t This Called Foreplay?

Lindsay Lohan’s Twitter page is like an empty subway car on a Saturday night. There’s always an incoherent crackie stumbling in to ramble away about something. It makes you want to put on your headphones and continue to pretend to read a book.

At around 2 this morning, Lindsay’s numb fingers fought with her Blackberry keyboard to type out this Tweet about her ex-SamRo. According to Blohan, SamRo gave her a squirt to the face at a party. Isn’t this how SamRo and Blohan usually greet each other? Who knows, but SamRo had this to say on her Twitter page. The non-plot thins:

Guess what didn’t happen tonight……
about 5 hours ago via UberTwitter

OH, A GAME! Hm. Let’s see, you didn’t eat anything? You didn’t kiss a peen? You didn’t wash your underarms? You didn’t play any good music? Am I getting warmer? Oh, wait, she’s talking about spitting on Blohan.

Well, whoever spit on Blohan was just trying to do her a favor by giving her a bath. That’s all. Blohan should really send them a thank you card.

Here’s some thrilling pictures of Blo hiding her saliva site face while arriving at a club early this morning.

Even The Gayelles Are Breaking Up!

The break-up curse is striking harder than a bitch! It has already claimed Sugartits and Zombie Larry King as its victims, and now it can add Melissa Etheridge to the pile. People reports that Melissa and Tammy Lynn Michaels have stopped scissoring after 9 years! April 15th is the worst!

When the lesbians start breaking up, that means there’s no hope for any of us. Just grab a tub of cake batter and join Jennifer Aniston on the La-Z-Boy sofa of life! Take a Benadryl if you’re allergic to cats.

Melissa’s rep issued this simple statement of words which doesn’t include any dirty details as to why they dropped the love: “Melissa and Tammy Etheridge are saddened to announce that they are now separated. We ask for consideration and respect for our family as we go through this difficult period.”

Melissa and Tammy are moms to 3-year-old twins Miller and Johnnie Rose (which also sounds like a cocktail you can order at Claim Jumper). Melissa also has two kids with former partner Julie Cypher.

If Rojo Caliente and Cynthia Nixon announce they’re splitting up today, just push me before I find out.

Justin Bieber Will Chomp On Your Soul!!!!!!!

This is what you see right before you are ripped up into a million pieces.

The pint-sized Hilary Swank agrees and had something to say about it on his Twitter:

Dear @peoplemag Covershoot…next time i laugh real crazy warn me u r still taking pics…still appreciate u but let’s get on the same page

EXCLUSIVE story and pics in the new issue of @peoplemag . I look crazy as heck on the cover but if u cant laugh at yourself u aint havin fun

No, Bieber, please don’t laugh anymore. Don’t laugh. The sight of you laughing makes us all want to reach for our whistles.