Meanwhile, In Israel….

Openly-gayelle sportcaster Gili Shem-Tov and her straight partner Dorit Milman swayed their shit and shook their goods as the first ever same-sex couple on Dancing with the Stars in Israel. I forgive them for watering the demonic seed that is Ke$hit and for snatching Sabra & Neil’s routine from So You Think You Can Dance, because this gives me hope that one day I might see Rojo Caliente do the samba bounce with Karina Smirnoff Ice on DWTS over here. Dancing with the Rojos!

via TDW

Xtina’s Insatiable Hunger For Chocha Knows No Bounds!

At least that’s what The Sun says SamRo told her friend who told The Sun. SamRo has already shaken her head NO to the rumor that she’s got the remnants of Xtina’s lead-based bronzer all over her hot pocket, but maybe she should tell that to her friend. Music producer Marlon David says Xtina, SamRo and an unnamed fuck partner had a threesome down in Mexico. And while SamRo was slurping on Xtina’s tequila worm, she came (stop right there) to the realization that red lipstick don is a “hot piece of ass.” Marlon opened his pie hole and spilled this out onto the floor of The Sun:

“Jordan was never comfortable with Xtina liking girls but he thought it would make the marriage work. Sam said she had a threesome with Xtina in Mexico last month, that’s when she realized she was a ‘hot piece of ass’. Sam said Xtina is ‘horny as a college freshman’.”

I realize that SamRo insists on posing like a douchebag frat boy who always feels like he has to overcompensate for the fact that he’s not happy with his (NSFW) weeping willow foreskin, but does she have to talk like one to? I mean, “horny as a college freshmen”? And I bet that after she said that, she made Marlon smell her fingers since she hasn’t washed them since Mehico. Okay, that made me swoon at the loins a bit. Ugh. I always fall for the douchebag frat boys. Even the douchebag frat boys with vaginas.

SamRo Gets All The Down And Out Cooch

This story from Radar doesn’t really come out and say that SamRo offered up her tongue for Xtina’s weepy vag to cry on after her split from Bat Boy, but the source kind of insinuates this. Apparently, SamRo and Xtina’s friendship became closer when the cave of true love Bat Boy shared with her collapsed into a million pieces. Xtina stopped trolling for chocha in gay bars and spent more time with SamRo instead. I swear, SamRo is the Captain Save-A-Ho of Hollywood .

The source went on to say this shit, “They’ve known each other forever and they’re good friends. Samantha was in Mexico with Christina for Nicole’s [Richie] bachelorette party. Christina and Sam grew closer as her marriage crumbled, and eventually Jordan found himself unnecessary in his wife’s life.”

Just because SamRo is wiping away Xtina’s oily tears with a baby wipe dipped in Palmolive doesn’t mean they’re bumping baginas. And even if they are, it’s for the best. I mean, the quickest way to stop crying through your eyes is to start crying panty pudding down below. The truth.

And the minute Lindsay Lohan gets out of rehab, she’s gonna cut a bitch. Well, it’s better than her cutting a line, right?

Ain’t No Other Man (But There Are A Million Other Women)

There’s been a few rumors going around that Bat Boy retreated back to Transylvania to drown his sorrows in the blood of the village virgin after his wife Xtina suffocated the dick hole of another piece with the fumes from her fake tanner. But now Radar is saying that maybe it wasn’t a dick hole, maybe it was the goods of a dozen other chicks that sent Bat Boy on his way. A source claims that Xtina and Bat Boy’s marriage had an open door policy when it came to women, but apparently it was still too much for him to take so he fluttered away.

A source says that Xtina regularly took a stroll down the Queen Latifah trail by trolling gay bars for lovely ladies to nibble on. The source found this out when Xtina’s bodyguard came up to her at The Abbey in West Hollywood one night and invited her to spend a little gushy gushy time with the red lipstick don.

The source went on to say, “The bodyguard told me it was an understanding within their marriage and that she brings girls home and Jordan’s okay with it. I ended up not pursuing anything with it because the situation just seemed so weird to me, but Christina was definitely looking to hook up. It’s funny because I had a couple girlfriends tell me that they were approached by Christina too. My understanding was that Jordan wasn’t involved when she brought girls home, so maybe the divorce is because Jordan’s jealousy got the best of him.”

Now it makes sense why Xtina married a dude with a face like a minge. NO. But seriously, the best part of this story is not that Xtina loves to partake in a little clit wrestling. It’s that the bitch regularly got shut down! I can understand though. Who wants to go to the free clinic because they can’t stop queefing out lipstick goo?

Here’s some pictures of Xtina at an event in Hawaii last night. Since she’s in a fragile place emotionally right now, I will leave her DREADFUL brow situation alone. For now.

Kelly McGillis Is A Wife Now!

Before we get started, let me just say that we should all want to look like the beauty all the way to left when we enter the Matlock age of our lives.

So, while Tommy Girl’s Scientohole was uniting with a Marvin the Martian butt plug down in his dungeon, his Top Gun co-star was engaging in a much more touching and important ceremony. Kelly McGillis and her partner of 10 years Melanie Leis were joined in a civil union in Collingswood, NJ on Wednesday afternoon.

Kelly and Melanie first met over 10 years ago at a restaurant Kelly co-owned with her second husband at the time. Melanie was an employee there. Kelly and Melanie instantly knew they were meant for each other when “Take My Breath Away” played on the restaurant’s boombox, the white sheer curtains gently blew in the breeze and everything suddenly turned to blue. Or something like that.

Since it’s a special time for these two, I will refrain from giving a sermon about the second coming of Bert currently playing above Melanie’s eyes. I will put my tweezers away and save it for another day.

via People

It’s Hard Out There For Lesbians Who Look Like Bieber

A 27-year-old woman named Katie was just trying to enjoy a beer on Saturday night at Mug and Mallet in Ocean City, Maryland when a cop came in and asked her for her government ID. You see, somebody who has obviously never been to Lesbians Who Look Like Justin Bieber placed a call to the police and told them that 16-year-old Justin Bieber was illegally drinking booze at Mug and Mallet. HA! As if that fetus can drink a beer without barfing his head off. I bet Justin Bieber gets drunk when he drinks a Gatorade too fast.

Anyways, Katie tells TMZ that she simply just had to show the cops her ID to prove that she’s not a 16-year-old pop star. Or instead of doing that, the cops could’ve just checked to see if she’s wearing Pull-Ups.

While most of us would immediately run into the kitchen and take the sharpest knife to our hair if someone mistook us for The Lesbeaver, Katie just laughed it off. She says it happens to her all the time.

Dumb bitches needs to know that Justin Bieber isn’t the first person to have magical bangs that can sweep the nightmares from your head. I’m no historian, but I’m sure Katie conquered that look long before The Lesbeaver. Bitches should be going up to Justin Bieber to ask him “Are you Katie from Ocean City?” Not the other way around.