Barbara Walters Comes To Woody Allen’s Defense On The View

Dylan Farrow accusing Woody Allen of abusing her when she was a little girl was brought up on The View today and you’d expect Botox-brained Jenny McCarthy or Whoopi “Rape Rape” Goldberg to fart out some stupidity wrapped in what-the-fuckness, but Barbara Walters did the honors today. Barbara Walters sat next to Stephen King in the Team Woody section of the auditorium when she defended Woody Allen by saying that she knows him well (because Barbara Walters knows every famous bitch well) and he’s a loving, caring father to his two daughters. Barbara’s defense would make complete sense if all child touching trash were openly shitty people, looked like the It clown and abused kids in front of everyone, but we all know that just because the outside says, “loving and caring father,” doesn’t mean that the inside doesn’t say, “child touching trash.” But Barbara kept rambling on and threw down for Woody:

“I know Mia. I have a good relationship with her, but I’ve been with Woody many times with his two daughters. He’s got almost a twenty-year-old marriage. I have rarely seen a father as sensitive, and as loving and as caring as Woody is to these two girls. I don’t know about Dylan, I can only tell you about what I’ve seen now, that it’s a good marriage and that he’s a loving, caring father. I think that has to be said.

Supposedly, she’s very angry and she’s doing it now, because he’s up for an award. The question is does your personal life interfere with the awards?”

While wearing a Peter Pan ass wig, Sherri Shepherd threw herself into the ring and told Barbara that we always hear things like, “Oh, he was such a nice man,” and that we never really know what goes on behind closed doors. Sherri went on to say that Woody was messing with Soon-Yi when she was just 17 so he has a record of messing with youngins. Barbara couldn’t wrap those points around her head and she kept arguing with Sherri.

I just… I just… When you’re in a race of reason with Sherri “The World Is Flat” Shepherd and she crosses the finish line while you’ve barely limped a foot away from the starting line, it’s time to get off the track. And Sherri did it while wearing a Peter Pan ass wig!

via Time

It Should Be Against The Law To Call Someone Fat On TV, So Says Jennifer Lawrence

File this under: Joan Rivers is about to take off her “good face” and put on her “fighting face” before going after Jennifer Lawrence. Again.

Hollywood’s sweetheart Jennifer Lawrence dried up all the plastic in Joan Rivers’ face last month when she trashed Fashion Police and said that the show is teaching young women to call each other ugly and fat. Jennifer Lawrence is still going on about that shit. During her interview with Barbara Walters for that “Most Fascinating People of 2012” special, she said that calling people fat should be censored from TV like curse words are. Here we go……

“Because why is humiliating people funny? I get it, and, and I do it too, we all do it. But when I think it comes to the media, the media needs to take responsibility for the effect that it has on our younger generation, on these girls that are watching these television shows, and picking up how to talk and how to be cool. So then all of a sudden being funny is making fun of the girl that’s wearing an ugly dress or making fun of that girl that’s… And the word fat, I just think it should be illegal to call someone fat on TV. I mean, if we’re regulating cigarettes and sex and cuss words, because of the effect they have on our younger generation, why aren’t we regulating things like calling people fat?”

If fat jokes on TV were illegal, 99% of TV shows would be shut down by the government and the only TV show we’d be able to watch is Antiques Roadshow, although Mark L. Walberg does always look like he’s on the verge of making a fat joke. But really, Jennifer Lawrence would be thrown into a jail cell too, because she’s called herself “fat for Hollywood“ during one of her many interviews where she goes on about how she’s never going to lose weight for a role and is never going to diet and blah blah blah. But since everybody’s always slobbering all over Jennifer Lawrence’s ass, it’s only a matter of time before she becomes President and calling anyone fat on TV becomes illegal. So I need to go and check my one and only 15-second-long TV appearance to see if I called anyone a fat bitch in it. I’m back and I have a question, does “nasty big-boned cunt” count?

And what really should be illegal is that haircut on that head. Come at me, Future President JLaw!

Barbara Walters Is Trolling At A Master-Level

ABC released Barbara’s list of the ‘Most Fascinating People of 2013’ today in preparation for her yearly television special of the same name, and all in all it’s pretty much what you’d expect (movie star, TV star, person from the news, Royal baby, the Twerk-munk). However, there is one inclusion that has got to be either a mistake, a joke, or a misspelling of the name Jim Radashian (I just made up a name and I’m already more interested in my fake-name person than the real one):

Some of the year’s biggest names in news, entertainment and pop culture are sitting down with Walters for her annual special “Barbara Walters Presents: The 10 Most Fascinating People of the Year.” The 90-minute program will air Wednesday, Dec. 18, at 9:30 p.m. ET.

The special, in its 21st year, includes Hollywood darling Jennifer Lawrence, NSA whistleblower Edward Snowden, ABC News’ very own “Good Morning America” anchor Robin Roberts, Miley Cyrus, Kim Kardashian and Kanye West, together known as KimYe, the breakout stars from the hit reality TV show “Duck Dynasty,” and arguably the most famous infant in the world — Duchess Kate and Prince William’s baby George, the heir to the British throne.

The No. 1 most fascinating person of 2013 will be announced on the program. The show will also reflect on moments from the past 20 years of Walters’ “Most Fascinating People of the Year” specials, which started in 1993.

My money is on ‘joke’. The only thing fascinating about Kim Kardashian is her genealogy: What type of demon did Kris mate with? Was the contract signed in blood or botox? Is baby North the result of a Rosemary’s Baby situation (with Kanye playing the Mia Farrow role). What kind of questions (sorry, kwestions) will Barbara even ask them? Everything we needed to know about KimYe was already answered in Bound 2.

But the #1 Most Fascinating is still a mystery. A few theories have been floating around Dlisted HQ, including, but not limited to: Tardar Sauce (aka Grumpy Cat), Courtney Stodden’s helium-inflated implants, Bruce Jenner’s pony tail (FINGERS CROSSED) and the KFC Go Cups. But who will it be? And who even cares? The special hasn’t even aired yet and already I’m thinking: “Let’s see what’s on The Weather Channel”.

Pic: Wenn

Everybody Hates Jenny McCarthy On The View

Correction: Everybody hates Jenny McCarthy. Period.

Seen above looking like the brain dead, accidental love child of Lisa from Team America and Bullseye from Toy Story, Jenny McCarthy has quickly become the most hated shrieking hyena on The View. Viewers feel like Jenny is about as pleasant as a battery acid enema and she’s so annoying that she’s making people miss Elisabeth Hasselcrack. You should probably consider a career in corporal punishment when hos would rather fill their ears with Elisabeth Hasselcrack’s shrill whining than listen to you.

Some inside source tells Radar that ABC did a little research on Jenny’s popularity with viewers and learned that America’s enemies love her, because she’s making Americans punch themselves in the eyes and stab their eardrums out with flaming wooden chopsticks every time she opens her mouth. Basically, if viewers had a choice between listening to Jenny McCarthy and watching a 25-year-old blackhead get pulled out of a pore while eating a bowl of dried dates, they’d go with the latter. It’s less disgusting and won’t give you recurring nightmares. The inside source said:

“ABC has begun doing deep research on Jenny’s work on the show and the initial findings are that viewers want to tune out the second she opens her mouth! The data has revealed that she is FAR more off-putting than Elisabeth. [Barbara] isn’t looking for a replacement for Jenny yet, she is obsessed with ratings and the longevity of the show, so Jenny needs to turn it around or she will be gone. Right now they’re just trying to adjust Jenny’s performance on the show so that she comes off as more appealing, but that’s an uphill battle.”

The source went on to say that Jenny may have a two-year contract, but Barbara will buy her out if ratings continue to fall.

I just can’t with Babwa for putting Miss Tits Against Vaccines on The View. Jenny is responsible for the pain and suffering of many children and now she’s responsible for committing brain cell genocide on The View. I’d like to think that this is all part of Barbara’s plan. She knows The View is already dying, so why not kill it all the way by putting this blonde torture device on it. Or Barbara has officially lost her mind. One or the other.

Here’s more of Jenny with her piece Donnie Wahlberg (yes, my 11-year-old self cries into the fetal position every time I type that) last night. Bitch is dressed like a blind librarian who steals all her clothes from the Goodwill donation bin.

Pics: Wenn.com

After Next Summer, You’ll Never See Barbara Walter’s Face On TV Again

On The View this morning, Barbara Walters announced that she will retire from television next summer and she’ll never appear on a show full-time again, because she’ll be too busy chasing virgins through the woods with Larry King. Now who’s going to ask bitches what kind of tree they are? Now who’s going to interrupt the other co-hosts on The View? Now who’s going to tell us that Snooki is the most fascinating person of the year? Now who’s going to get names wrong and lisp out some nonsensical crazy shit? Don’t say Elisabeth Hasselcrack, because apparently she’s leaving The View too.

As Marcia Cross breathed a sigh of relief over the fact that she won’t see Barbara Walter’s face on TV anymore, Babawawa said this about quitting the bitch that is TV:

“I have been on television continuously for over 50 years, but in the summer of 2014, a year from now, I plan to retire from appearing on television at all — it has been an absolutely joyful, rewarding, challenging, fascinating and occasionally bumpy ride. I wouldn’t change a thing. I’m perfectly healthy, this is my decision, and I have been thinking about it for a long time. This is what i want to do. I will, however, continue as co-executive producer of The View with Bill Getty as long as the program is here. There will be special occasions that I will come back — I’m not walking into the sunset, but I don’t want to appear on another program, I don’t want to climb another mountain. I want instead to sit on a very sunny field and admire other women who will be taking my place and most of all, I want to thank everybody here. I’ve had an amazing career beyond anything I could ever imagined. And I hope I may inspire other women to make television. I smile when some young women say I grew up watching you on TV — it’s their time now. But remember, I have a whole year to go. We have exciting things planned for ABC News and The View and most of all, I want to say hi to all of you who have been watching me for so many years and you have traveled the same road that I have. I thank you, thank you, thank you.”

And Henry Kissinger better watch out, because Barbara now has the time to bone his glasses off. Break out the Astroglide!

via Hollywood Life 

Presenting One Of Time’s Most Influential People Of 2013…

Speaking of meaningless titles that magazines give, because why not?

TIME celebrated their 100 Most Influential People at a gala in NYC last night and one of those most influential showed up looking like a terracotta Siamese Cat figurine covered in oil-based lacquer. You might be wondering how exactly is Xtina one of the most influential people of the year? Well, Xtina has influenced many to not wear leggings out in public and if you’re going to wear leggings out in public, make sure to not bend over in front of a camera unless you want your ass to look like two baby warthogs butting heads under a Hefty bag. Xtina is also extremely influential, because she has influenced people to bleach the life out of their hair and throw all the make-up on their faces if they want to look like a demure oyster. And she’s also influenced me to immediately buy a red lips mic stand, because it looks like a giant string of anal beads inspired by Mick Jagger’s mouth.

See, Xtina is influenza (Freudian typo) in so many ways!

And here’s the other most influential influentials being all influential at Time’s most influential gala. Influentialness in order: Influentialtina, Lena Dunham (looking like one of Sleeping Beauty’s fairies gone wrong), Robin Thicke’s stand-in with Jessica Biel, Claire Danes with Hugh Dancy, Frank Ocean, Mia Farrow (wearing an outfit from the fashion label DontGiveAFuck) with her son, Mark Burnett with Roma “Touched By A Plastic Surgeon” Downey, Jimmy Fallon with his wife, Olivia Munn, Tracy Anderson, my mom’s boo Dr. Oz and Barbara Walters.