Category: Assholes
Rick Moranis Was Physically Attacked In New York City
Rick Moranis gave all us undeserving souls a gift last month when he generously came out of retirement to participate in a commercial with Ryan Reynolds for Mint Mobile. I was under the impression that a largely unproblematic comedy legend who just wants to live his life in peace should be off-limits to general assholery or unprovoked punk bitch behavior, but I was wrong. It’s being reported that Rick Moranis was physically attacked while out walking yesterday morning. Before you start worrying too hard, please know: honey, he’s fine now.
Open Post: Hosted By A Seagull Who Flew Into A House And Puked On The Kitchen Counter
In the rankings of asshole birds, seagulls will always come in at #1 by a mile (don’t get me started on their closest competitor, the hoary puffleg— they know what they did). According to Metro UK, two ladies in Brighton, England, Natalie and Charlotte, were getting day drunk on wine and minding their own damn business when a seagull, let’s call him Projectile Pete, flew in their house and proceeded to puke his guts up all over their kitchen counter. Tragically, the sight of Pete’s “gloopy rice-like vomit” made Charlotte puke, but it could have been worse. Pete did not successfully abscond with Natalie’s prized Love Island water bottle as she feared he might.
Dr. Oz Issued A Clarification Of His Fox News Comments, Saying He “Misspoke”
Mehmet Oz, who went to medical school and therefore is technically allowed to call himself Dr. Oz, has issued a clarification for statements he made yesterday on Fox News. It seems Mehmet learned the hard way that people get kind of turned off when you talk about the high cost of eating children. At least I think that’s what Mehmet thinks you think he said. What he actually said was marginally less diabolical. His exact words were “I tell ya, schools are a very appetizing opportunity. I just saw a nice piece in The Lancet arguing the opening of schools may only cost us 2 to 3% in terms of total mortality.” Mehmet recorded an emergency “oh shit” video saying he “misspoke” and posted it on Twitter (will he also clarify to the millions of people he addressed on national TV? Probably not!). He doesn’t actually want to eat children, even though their little chubby arms and legs are so appetizing. He just wants to make sure they get fed/fattened up, and if millions of preventable deaths are the cost, mightn’t that be worth it? You know, for mojo? I’m a doctor!
One Of Danny Masterson’s Accusers Has Accused Him Of Murdering Her Two Dogs
Danny Masterson is the most likely reason why Topher Grace would rather edit more Star Wars clips together than arrange a That ’70s Show reunion. For nearly three years, Danny has been under police investigation for rape after six women accused him of drugging and sexually assaulting them. Danny has also been accused of sending his Scientology friends to silence his victims and cover up any allegations. Danny is in the news again, and not for a new rape accusation, but for an accusation of retaliation against an accuser by way of dog murder.
Constance Wu’s Bunny Has Been Accused Of Being A Bigger Menace Than Her!
Every good villain needs an animal sidekick for them to slowly pet as their mind fills with diabolical plans of destruction, like destroying JLo’s reputation as the biggest ice cold diva terror on any set, and destroying any tiny shreds of respect that the cast and crew of your show had for you. And Constance Wu has an animal sidekick in her pet bunny named Lida Rose! Don’t let that cutesy furry face fool you, Lida Rose (that’s a really hot and perfect name for a villain sidekick, honestly) is more than happy to carry out her malevolent mistresses’ wicked plans, and Lida Rose has a not-so-secret weapon: her butthole. Lida Rose’s ass is more destructive than that of a newbie bottom while getting butt boned right after eating Taco Bell and not douching.
The Wife Of Miranda Lambert’s Boyfriend Claims He Ghosted Her Again
Homewrecking legend Miranda Lambert struck again earlier this year when she threw her iconic sledgehammer cooze at the married dick belonging to Evan Felcher (it’s Felker, but Felcher fits better in this case) whose band Turnpike Troubadours was the opening act on a few of her tour dates. Before Evan went out on tour with Miranda, his wife Staci Felker said that their marriage was mostly mylar heart balloons and strawberry-scented rainbow burps, so she was totally blindsided when he eventually became Casper The Cunty Ghost by ghosting her and then filing for divorce. I’m sure Miranda will talk about all of this while once again accepting her Homewrecker of the Year award at the League of Extraordinary Homewreckers’ annual luncheon, but so far she hasn’t said much. But Staci is still talking, and yesterday she posted a tragic tale on Instagram about Evan pulling an asshole-ified “touch me in the morning and then just walk away” move by sweeping into her life before exiting again a week later.